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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

So bewildered & confused

20 replies

Tinktink79 · 06/12/2014 05:13

Last night my husband of less than a year told me that he was sick of things between us. He seems to have convinced himself that I married him for the "wrong" reasons (that I only married him because he is our DS's father). The physical side of our relationship hasn't been great since the birth of our DS (2) mostly because I have some pretty serious body image issues with my post pregnancy body but I did think e understood & things have been getting better if late (so I thought).
His family live 4 hours away & he has decided to go to see them tomorrow for the weekend. I have no idea how to fix things - he's said that he doesn't want things to drag on - this all seems so final. I'm devastated. I feel sick with worry. I don't know why I'm posting, I think it's because I just feel so alone.

OP posts:

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Vivacia · 06/12/2014 05:23

You have to let him go OP, without a fuss. Think of the practicalities - can you cope without childcare? Do you have access to money? Stay dignified.

Of course you know people are going to warn you to be prepared for another woman appearing on the scene.

Vivacia · 06/12/2014 05:24

Do you have someone you can tell and ask for support from? Don't be alone.

Tinktink79 · 06/12/2014 05:53

I don't really know who to turn to - I get get my head around what he's saying. He's been quite distant for a couple of weeks but I genuinely don't think there is another woman involved. I'm ok money wise and for childcare. It's the fact that my marriage seems to be disintegrating before my eyes that I can't cope with.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 06/12/2014 06:44

I'm of the opinion that you need to stay dignified and definitely do not beg or play the "pick me dance". Whether the end result is splitting up or him wanting to come back, I think that this behaviour is the most likely to be sucessful.

Vivacia · 06/12/2014 06:46

I'd take him at his word and start taking control of decision-making. He's got a head start on you, you need to catch up.

Joysmum · 06/12/2014 08:13

I don't agree. I think you should say to your DH that you are aware things aren't great but that you love him very much and want to work through things in an attempt to improve things.

Only then, if knowing you love him and knowing you acknowledge his feelings and what things to change for the better, he doesn't think it's fixable do you let him go without a fuss.

Expressing your love this is nothing about begging or doing the 'pick me dance' and everything to do with communication.

From what you've said, you DH doesnt think that you love him and it was a marriage born of circumstance. If you don't put him right in that he'll never know and it will be final.

If you do let him know and show you understand why he thinks what he does but really want to improve things you have hope.

I'd think you'd be mad to piss your marriage away by letting him to continue to think the way he is without trying to explain how much you love him and how he's mistaken but you can see why he thinks how he does and come up with concrete ideas of what you can both do to improve you're marriage and rekindle the closeness.

Vivacia · 06/12/2014 08:23

Sorry joy, I kind of assumed that OP had pointed all of this out to her husband. You're absolutely right that this needs saying!

heyday · 06/12/2014 08:25

I think Joysmum has it spot on. If there has been no closeness and little/no sex then he could be venting about that. It's good that he has gone off for the weekend. It will give you both a bit of thinking and breathing space. If you are able to talk to each other in honesty and with a genuine desire to put this relationship right then there is every hope that the damage can be repaired but it will probably take a lot of hard work from both of you.
However, if on his return, after you tell him that you love him and want to make it work but he is insistent that it is over between you then have to toughen up quickly and think of ways forward in your life as a single parent.

Vivacia · 06/12/2014 08:28

I think it's ok for someone to get away for a day or so, but only if they've made provision for their children. I'm worried that he's cheating on OP and she's running around like a headless chicken, running the household and trying to attract him back.

NickiFury · 06/12/2014 08:29

I'm a bit suspicious that he's dropped this bombshell then is going away for a couple of days. Will you be able to check that's where he actually is?

CogitOIOIO · 06/12/2014 08:29

Sorry you're going through this experience OP but there isn't very much you can do when someone has decided they have had enough. For you it's out of the blue but he will have been thinking it through for a long time. So you're playing catch-up and that's always confusing. The 'reasons' he gives you have to be regarded as suspect at this stage. Depending on the type of person they are, some people use this opportunity either to give you big list of your alleged faults (nasty) or something woolly that they think is letting you down gently.

Please look after yourself. Be with friends and family. Tell selected others what's going on rather than trying to handle this solo.

TheWindowDonkey · 06/12/2014 08:34

Although I agree with Joysmum that certain things DO need to be said, I also think that dropping and bombshell as he has and then buggering off for the weekend is not the behaviour of someone who really wants to sit and work things out.
In your shoes I would make it clear that you love him and believe that there is a path forwards for you both if you communicate and form a plan together, but that if he leaves without first trying to fix things those together you will not be sitting around with the door open waiting for him to come back. He needs to know you love him, but if he IS straying, or thinking of doing so, or even if he is just having a sulk about things not going well, then he also needs to know that you respect yourself enough not to accept being mucked around.

DuchessofNorks · 06/12/2014 10:00

You need to talk to him and tell him how you have felt about things, too. Part of looking after yourself and putting your needs first. Don't let what you need fall by the wayside while you try to figure out his needs. You are a person with feelings, too

I have a friend on the other side of the coin who started messaging me recently, clearly unhappy with his life, telling me how pretty I am, etc.

I asked him outright if he was happy (I didn't get drawn into it) and it all came flooding out. He feels the same as your DH and, also, he gave up his hobbies for his wife who he feels has completely shut him out.

I told him to talk to her and try to work it out. Communication seems to be key here so if you can get him to open up to you when he is home on Monday then perhaps you can both discuss whats gone on.

Whatever happens OP you will be OK and come out the other side of this

DuchessofNorks · 06/12/2014 19:01

Are you OK OP? I hope you have been able to talk to him today.

DuchessofNorks · 06/12/2014 19:02

Are you OK OP? I hope you have been able to talk to him today.

DuchessofNorks · 06/12/2014 19:02

Are you OK OP? I hope you have been able to talk to him today.

DuchessofNorks · 06/12/2014 19:02

Are you OK OP? I hope you have been able to talk to him today.

springydaffs · 07/12/2014 05:13

I have a friend on the other side of the coin who started messaging me recently, clearly unhappy with his life, telling me how pretty I am, etc.

er

He's a bastard if he's coming on to you while he's married. It's not an automatic step when someone's 'unhappy' you know. Neither is talking in depth about his wife/marriage as he's coming on to you.

OP, sounds like the body image problems may have created a log-jam and it's all got too much for him. Perhaps look at working on that (with a professional), whether or not your marriage is retrievable. I do hope it is, of course xx

Nightoff · 07/12/2014 09:02

It's not unheard of either Springy. It amazes me how many MN posters seem to think men will just put up and shut up when sex dries up. It's all well and good expecting the man to accept the situation but you only need to read the confessions thread to see how women in the same situations can react. For some people this will lead to them looking elsewhere for affection and attention. Of course staying and taking is preferable, but what happens when nothing ever gets resolved? In OPs position we don't know if he has met someone else. What is clear is that he is not happy.
OP do you think in your heart of hearts that your marriage can be saved by talking, you getting help with your body image issues and him being more understating? If so tell him this and ask him to give it a go. At least you can say you both tried to save it.

DuchessofNorks · 07/12/2014 10:12

Springy I didn't say he wasn't a bastard and I certainly didn't say his behaviour was a default setting. There's reading between the lines and then theirs making shit up as you go along

Anyway OP, if you are smart enough to actually read what I said, you will see that I was indicating that communicating with him, and him communicating with you, could help get your marriage back on track - the same advice that I gave to my friend. Don't shut each other out

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