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Husband had an affair

(88 Posts)
Brandnewstart Sat 06-Dec-14 00:15:35

The title says it all really but I need some support. I found the evidence of an affair about two weeks ago and it has taken me a while to get my head around it.

He isn't here, he has gone to his mum's for us to have some space. Apparently he hasn't been happy for two years but didn't tell me until about 1.5 months ago, by which time he had already started an affair with someone at work.

I don't know if he will come back at the moment but I am really struggling to cope. We have two gorgeous children and he has thrown it all away. He is the person who you would least expect to do this - aren't they all?

It's so near Christmas and the children have picked up on it although I am trying to hold it together for them. It is so hard.

I need some words of encouragement and support because I feel he has thrown a bomb in the room and departed.

Sorry if this sounds dramatic but I feel I don't know who he is but worse I don't know who I am anymore. It hurts so much sad

HumblePieMonster Sat 06-Dec-14 00:26:44

I am sorry this has happened to you
focus on getting through each day, you and the children
this stage is horrible but it will pass
you will rediscover yourself, don't worry

Wonc Sat 06-Dec-14 00:27:34

He is a pathetic arse.

You have the greatest gift - your children and your integrity.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Lots of hugs for your children.

Do you have any real life support?

Brandnewstart Sat 06-Dec-14 00:32:49

Thankfully I do have some real life support but no family close by - we moved 4 years ago so he could be close to his family and friends. I feel I have set him up for a life I don't play a part in.

Brandnewstart Sat 06-Dec-14 00:33:15

Thank you for your replies x

WellWhoKnew Sat 06-Dec-14 00:38:08

Hey love - there is nothing so awful as being blindsided, and it will take a lot of time to sort your head out. You have my heart-felt sympathy.

Start, if you can, by reading 'Runaway Husbands' and 'Detach and Survive' - they won't take the pain away, but they are both full of pragmatic advice on just putting one foot in front of the other.

You don't say how old you are, or your children, but the best advice I can give you is to feel okay about feeling sad and sorry for yourself (and your children) and just take it one moment at a time.

I gave myself hell for not coping for months, which resulted in me not coping for months!!!

I'd do anything to spare another woman that brainfuck!

It does get easier in time (that old cliche) but I'll tell you now I'm seven months post him exiting stage right. The way you feel now is the way you feel right now, and that's okay.

But the sheer horror of it all does ease each time. Just don't beat yourself up for being too 'whatever'. This isn't about you - this is all about him.

Make your survival about you.

Take care. WWK.

Wonc Sat 06-Dec-14 00:39:11

You should rely on that support now. I'm sure your friends will be more than willing for you to lean on them and of course rant for a bit.

You have had a dreadful shock. It doesn't feel like it now, but you have choices. Do you want him back? Do you want to stay where you are currently living? There are options available to you, and YOU get to decide.
This horrible, bewildered feeling will NOT last forever.

Do not let him dictate to you - he broke his vows. You haven't done anything wrong.

babbinocaro Sat 06-Dec-14 00:51:39

We are many, we have integrity, honesty, don't mess around. You are stronger than you think - try to rest, get up, watch tv, get distracted. How old are your children? Bet they are so excited about X mas. Can you plan small activities with them, put up the tree, make X mas decorations? Take things slowly, secure your financial position. If you work, take time off if you feel too tired. The world will keep on turning.. you will survive and smile again.

Brandnewstart Sat 06-Dec-14 10:16:32

Thanks everyone. I am upset I had to find out by gaining access to his phone bill, what if I hadn't known until just before Christmas? What sort of state would I be in then?

I also met her at an event where she comforted me as I was upset he had told me he wasn't happy. She told me he adored me! Obviously not as much as he adores her!

ThePinkOcelot Sat 06-Dec-14 10:31:11

He told you he wasn't happy at an event?! What a bastard!! And she comforted you? Wow, just wow!!

Drumdrum60 Sat 06-Dec-14 10:55:31

So you know who she is. The patronising b. Well you have honour and integrity on your side. You must be in shock and absolutely furious.
I would say it is best to take each day at a time maintaining moral high ground and focus on something tangible which means a lovely christmas for dc. It will lift you.
Lots of my friends have gone through this and most of the men did not end up happy despite all the misery they caused. You sound wonderful.

Shedwood Sat 06-Dec-14 10:59:30

Don't fall for the "I wasn't happy for years" line. He was so happy with you that he chose to marry you and have children with you, no one put a gun to his head and forced him to do those things.

When he met a woman who turned his head THAT was the point that he decided he was unhappy, in order to give himself permission to cheat.

This is not of your doing, so do not accept any blame, it's all on him.

He may not want to accept that he's just a shit who couldn't keep his dick in his pants, but that's all it is, nothing more and him trying to shift the blame onto an "unhappy marriage" is bollocks and something they all say I'm afraid.

Stay strong and see him for what he is, and you for what you are; someone who deserves to be treated better.

Drumdrum60 Sat 06-Dec-14 11:00:00

Do you want him to come back at the moment? Don't compete with OW. Make your position clear. He has run away because he knows how wrong he is and can't cope with it. Be strong and insist on respect.

Lotsofponies Sat 06-Dec-14 14:47:41

Have some hugs from me - going through some turbulent times myself ATM. I have also been dumped for AW and married a serial cheater so been there and got the t shhirt - yes is will get easier, though at then moment it doesnt feel that way. My advise is to talk, talk, talk, post on here do everything you can to let it out. If you want to sob and howl, do so. Its hard though when you have to be strong for the little ones. If you can't eat try soup - you need to keep your strength up. Have lots of nice relaxing baths and try and treat yourself well. You do not deserve this xxxx

Brandnewstart Sat 06-Dec-14 15:45:11

Sorry, I meant he had told me the day before he wasn't happy then we went to the event. She comforted me and told me I could talk to her anytime! I have already told him I will not compete for him, he needs to decide what he actually wants.

The children have picked up on things and haven't been sleeping properly. It is very difficult with it being so near Christmas to know what to do. I do want to at least try and give it a go, but obviously he needs to feel the same. He has given nothing away this week.

Classics midlife crisis I think. He actually managed to shag someone younger than me by 5 years and we have quite a big age gap to begin with. I never thought this would happen to me. Not because I'm smug but because I thought he would always have respect for me even if he ever fell out of love with me.

moomoo1967 Sat 06-Dec-14 21:22:20

Awful to find out at any time let alone this time of year. I know it isn't easy and am not sure what to suggest for the best I am afraid

JohnFarleysRuskin Sat 06-Dec-14 21:25:37

I wouldn't give him a choice I'm afraid.

I would force him out for now.

He will never respect you otherwise.

Then in a few weeks maybe he will be begging to come back....

I'm so sorry he has done this to you.

simontowers2 Sat 06-Dec-14 21:49:47

If ur gonna give it another go OP be prepared for that fact that you are, in effect, just giving him carte blanche to go shag someone else next time he's "not happy." Jesus, have some pride and dignity - ltb

AliceinWinterWonderland Sat 06-Dec-14 21:55:36

he needs to decide what he actually wants.

Nope. YOU need to decide what YOU want. He gets to decide nothing. Do not leave the ball in his court. He will mess with your head (he's already trying by pushing it on you by saying he was unhappy - poor lamb, wasn't being loved enough at home hmm what bullshit!) and expect the "pick me dance" to rear it's ugly head.

Your life, your choice. He has NO say in what you choose.

Brandnewstart Sat 06-Dec-14 22:19:24

Thank you lovely ladies. I have just spoken to my best friend, shame she lives 4 hours away. She has been great. Completely shocked he had done it but really supportive over what decision I make.

You're right it needs to be me who decides what I want. It's just I'm not sure what that is at the moment! He has been here today putting up the tree with the kids - my choice but they need to feel he wants them and at least he is putting them first for the first time in 3 months.

AliceinWinterWonderland Sat 06-Dec-14 22:22:35

Sorry Brandnewstart I wasn't meaning you need to choose right this second. Take your time, give yourself some breathing room without him, and allow yourself to process this, find out where you stand financially... decide when you're ready. But ultimately it must be your decision. He is not in the driver's seat here.

AnyFucker Sun 07-Dec-14 15:33:02

If you really want him back (not sure why, but hey you are not me) then you are going the wrong way about it

He needs to feel the loss and consequences of his actions

Having him round for Happy Family PlayActing is a bad idea because he gets the best of both worlds. He gets to save face with his kids, you keeping his dirty little secrets for him then off he skips to Loves Young Dream with OW.

You are selling yourself short.

The only way to come out of this with any dignity at all is to throw him out completely while you make your mind up whether he still has a place by the cosy fires of home.

Any contact with the dc should be away from the family house. He can check out McDonald's Parenting...I've heard it's really fucking miserable. This is what he wanted though, right ? So give it to him and see how he likes it. Tell the DC an age appropriate version of "mummy and daddy have had a falling out and need not to be living in the same house at the moment"

In the meantime, you get clear space to decide whether you really want a man that has demonstrated such inadequacy in your life.

Brandnewstart Sun 07-Dec-14 15:57:24

Thank you for your input Anyfucker. You've put down what I have been thinking today really. Especially as he texted this morning and said he needs more time but he could come back next week and stay in the spare room for Christmas. Gee thanks, that's really big of you!

I had cancelled my parents coming down for Christmas but think I will reinvite them and then there won't be a spare room going. I need support over xmas and at least I will have that if they come down.

He is useless at making decisions - apart from choosing to have an affair - so perhaps I long term separation will provide some clarity. Shame because I don't think I will be here if he does want to come back then. But I can't carry on living like this, it is no life and I have no control over the situation.

AnyFucker Sun 07-Dec-14 16:03:50

He "needs more time" ? He's a fucking piss taker isn't he ? He takes the risk you will have decided you don't need this weaselly little adulterer who shits on his family while he "takes time" to get shagging the new piece out of his system.

Beautiful South – A Little Time Lyrics
I need a little time
To think it over
I need a little space
Just on my own
I need a little time
To find my freedom
I need a little

Funny how quick the milk turns sour
Isn't it, isn't it
Your face has been looking like that for hours
Hasn't it, hasn't it
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust

I need a little room
To find myself
I need a little space
To work it out
I need a little room
All alone
I need a little

You need a little room for your big head
Don't you, don't you
You need a little space for a thousand beds
Won't you, won't you
Lips that promise fear the worst
Tongue so sharp the bubble burst
Just into unjust

I've had a little time
To find the truth
Now I've had a little room
To check what's wrong
I've had a little time
And I still love you
I've had a little

You had a little time
And you had a little fun
Didn't you, didn't you
While you had yours
Do you think I had none
Do you, do you
The Freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good
I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad

I had a little time
To think it over
Had a little room
To work it out
I found a little courage
To call it off

I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time

worserevived Sun 07-Dec-14 16:07:01

AF is right. Nothing will get to him more than you taking control, and getting on with your life. Clinging on is very unattractive, being unattainable quite the opposite. All this is assuming you want him back. The decisions are all with you now though, remember that. His being useless at decisions is completely irrelevant because he doesn't get to make any on your behalf.

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