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DH? let me down again, my life is such a mess...

(5 Posts)
greenlandgirl123 Fri 05-Dec-14 22:40:13

2 years ago I separated with my husband of 6 years, we were together for 10 years. We are both 36, one DD currently aged 7. We were a fairly good marriage, we loved each other loads, he was fabulous, very loving and caring for first couple of years of our relationship. Later, when we moved away from the family, had to work a lot and after DD was born, things slowly started changing. Finally, I asked him to move out after years of growing apart, but I was hoping that time away will give him the opportunity to understand what counts in life and that he needs to commit more. Basically, he was much withdrawn from home life, just going to work, sleeping and drinking, and doing very little to support me and DD or spend the quality time together. He has a problem with drinking, likes to drink and drinks a lot, although is never aggressive and just falls asleep when drunk.
Apart from that he is/was(?) a great funny guy who I always adored being with as we had lots in common, could talk for hours and have good laugh together. Sex was always great, too.

In the time we were separated he changed a lot. He lived his ‘life to the fullest’, so spend most of his free time going out, hooking up with various girls. I couldn’t recognise the man I fell in love with in that new man, it was as if he was going through some middle life crisis phase. Support from ‘friends’ [who are basically twats and have fucked up life themselves] gave him confidence that he is actually ‘enjoying life’ and I am just jealous about his new lifestyle, sad, and cannot get over the fact we’re done.

Last year, after long lonely holiday, late autumn his attitude towards me changed. He started being nice to me again, we started going out together and finally he admitted that he missed us and the life we had together and that he loves me still and is ready to work on problems and try much harder so it all works. I had mixed feelings – on the one hand I was happy and relieved, because this was what I wanted, on the other hand I was afraid that he will hurt me again. I also developed some feelings to another man in the meantime, but couldn’t pursue this relationship as this man was attached, so I wasn’t emotionally available/ready to welcome my ex back. He knew about it and told me he gives me as much time as possible and he really wants to rebuild our relationship and will do his best to make it happen.

We spent the last couple of months trying to patch things up. We spent more time together with/without our DD, went for trips, stayed over at his new flat at the weekends, he stayed overnight at ours. We had sex a couple of times. Still, I wasn’t feeling that it all is right in a way and I was blaming my lack of full emotional involvement for it. I was like I wanted to get back with my husband but didn’t fully feel it, I was somehow pushing him back. My husband was trying a lot to win me back but it didn’t last long. Slowly the old problems came back, his drinking problem seemed to be more intense than ever, and we ended up in the same shit. After this summer and long holiday that we spend apart, we decided that it’s time to make some decisions, either we are together properly, move back in together, or just divorce because there is no point to carry on this strange arrangement between us.

And then the bomb exploded. I went onto his FB and discovered he is having an affair with girl from his work, 13 years younger, and it all has started months ago. There were thousands of messages, I could see that they are emotionally involved, that it’s not just sex, they were writing they loved each other, they were mentioning meetings, sex, sending naked pics and so on. Also, she was mentioning that he is just using her for sex and she doesn’t want to be used and wants to know what was between them, as he wants to get back to his wife. He was denying that he was using her, he was saying that it’s all too complicated and he will make his mind up about the future soon. I confronted him about it all a couple of days later and, after initial shock that I knew, he said he loves us both (!) and he just doesn’t know what to do. He claims that he wants our life back together, that he still loves me, but he has been on his own for such a long time that he doesn’t know if he can learn to live in a family again.
I feel totally confused, angry, disappointed and humiliated. I cannot believe that he let me down again and lied for so long. At the same time I do still have feelings towards him and cannot get my head round it all. One side of me says that I should just kick him in the butt and tell to fuck off forever for all these lies. The other side of me says that I played my part in it all by pushing him away when I fantasised about the other man and this is the last chance for me to save my family, and if I don’t try hard enough now to ‘convince’ him I am the one he should be with, I will lose him forever.

Yes, he is a lying cheat, yes, he did hurt me, but he wasn’t always like that. I just want my old husband back. The thing is, though, he doesn’t seem to want to be his old self... he likes himself the way he is now and goes for easier option. That girl is an easier option too, very much young and in love with him, ego massaging and not as demanding as ‘old wife’.

I came to ridiculous situation that he is the one who fucked up and yet it seems like it’s me who cares more again and wants to save this relationship more, and fights for him more. Even his attitude towards me and that other girl... he is clearly much more worried about her well-being because he is still in touch with her! I just saw her giving him a lift to our daughter school yesterday... And anyway, will I be able to trust him knowing that he can see her at work ....
I know I should leave him...But I still have feelings and my daughter loves him loads.... he is a good dad, they are very close although he rather entertains her than brings her up. He pays his maintenance for our daughter and takes her home for one day during weekend when she stays overnight, but the amount&quality of time they spent together decreases and I am afraid it will be even worse if he is with that other girl. Also, I cannot imagine that girl, who obviously has no morals, being around my daughter...

I am really confused about all that mess and just have enough of it all. I’ve been attending counselling for 3 years now and this is probably the thing that keeps me grounded. I just came back on antidepressants, Christmas in on its way and I am just so hurt and so hopeless and so fed up with my life again...

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 22:47:56

Yes you have to get rid. It's tough when you have feelings but those feelings are doing you no favours. They are simply keeping you trapped in some fantasy, nostalgic world where a man lets you down and behaves appallingly but somehow it's the woman who has no morals and can't be around your DD. hmm

What you're experiencing, I'm sorry, is craving something you can't have. False hopes. And that's a big waste of your time.

Inertia Fri 05-Dec-14 22:50:52

The main problem with your life is that he's in it.

He doesn't love you or want to be with you- he wants a convenient life while he has an affair with some gullible young woman.

Your daughter will honestly be better off if you can cut this crap from your life as soon as possible. Having him around is no use if he's constantly in touch with the OW, drinking, and treating you like shit- that's worse than no contact at all.

inlectorecumbit Fri 05-Dec-14 23:03:30

This is a no brainer. Get rid.
He is keeping you both dangling--he wants family life with you and the single fun life with her. If he was committed to becoming your DH again this OW would not be in the equation. A question of cake and eating it.

get rid and find someone who wants to be with you and only you. He can still be a good dad to your DH that doesn't change and you can't really control who he has around your DD. Your anger at the OW is misplaced, it is your H that you should be angry at.

WellWhoKnew Fri 05-Dec-14 23:25:01

At the risk of sounding brutal (and I really don't wish to be mean to you because you come across as a very caring, considerate kind of person) but it is your self-awareness and consideration for others, that ensures that you have become just so hurt and so hopeless and so fed up with [my] life again...

You gave him another chance - and clearly you thought long and hard about that, and really worked hard to avoid this happening again.

That it has happened is because he chose it.

I'd ask you to live with the pain for now, boot him out and gift your kindness to yourself, your daughter, and who knows - in time someone who can reciprocate it?

The pain subsides in time (it really does!), but as long as he's in your in your life, the threat of more is always there.

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