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can i just vent here before i explode

(23 Posts)
SpringBreaker Fri 05-Dec-14 21:49:35

Will try to keep it brief.. I just have nowhere else to rant about this..

I left my mentally abusive, controlling, spiteful husband just over 6 months ago, after the mental abuse turned physical and he basically kicked the shit out of me. I had put up with just over 12 years of his behaviour. Many reasons why I didnt leave, looking back now I should have but hey ho..

I had him arrested, he was charged and he pleaded guilty. There is an indefinate restraining order on him. I still have the photos of the bruises that covered me from head to toe.

We live in a small town really, and our large circle of friends means that although we have no contact, he sees my friends, and constantly lies to them about things I have meant to have done when we were still together.

It wasnt planned but after we split, I began a relationship with someone, this person was a friend of my adult stepson, also a friend of mine, and someone who my husband knew too but wasnt close friends with. (My husband didnt have close friends, or many friends really.. ) I am still in this relationship, it is the happiest I have ever been in my life. I feel like I have finally found my soulmate. I am not constantly criticised, ridiculed, put down, and all the other things that I put up with for so long.

I found out tonight that my soon to be ex (divorce proceedings ongoing) is all over facebook, calling me names, slandering me, and I am furious.

I am not going to lower myself to his level. I am not going to put anything on facebook. I am just so angry.

Flimflammer Fri 05-Dec-14 21:58:27

Don't let him spoil your happiness. It doesn't matter what he says does it? You are away from him now. People aren't stupid and when you hear someone ranting bitterly like this they won't think oh this all sounds like the truth. They will think he is an angry spiteful man harping on the past.

tribpot Fri 05-Dec-14 21:58:32

You realise that all he will be doing is making himself looking like a bitter twat?

It sounds like all areas of your life are better since you got shot of this wanker. He pleaded guilty to an assault, so that's a matter of public record. He's slagging you off to mutual friends both in real life and on Facebook - so what? I completely understand why you're furious, particularly since if you lower yourself to his level he wins, but take a deep breath and be thankful that your life isn't so fucked you need to spew bile on FB.

Who on earth thought you needed to know about this? Could you ask this person to take appropriate screenshots and hang on to them for you, whilst you consider taking legal advice? You don't actually have to take any advice, just make sure the person who told you realises this is serious.

Don't put a single word on FB. Nothing could be calculated to piss him off more. Cowardly tosser.

CatCushion Fri 05-Dec-14 22:00:52

Firstly, well done for leaving him.

Am thrilled for you that you have found some happiness with someome else.

Stuff him and his facebook nonsense. He's just showing his true colours and what a terribly black heart he us. Feel sorry for him, the poor sad loser.

SpringBreaker Fri 05-Dec-14 22:03:53

Its laughable really, one of the people commenting on his little thread about me and liking his posts is his first ex wife.. the one he continually slagged off for the exact same things that I am supposed to have done to him... arghhhh

oh and his mother.. who knows exactly what he is like

SpringBreaker Fri 05-Dec-14 22:10:12

I will be back to rant more in a bit lol.. my partner is home now, and I dont want to let him know this has all got to me either. I have been ill all week and he has looked after me and been absolutely brilliant. My ex used to moan if I was ill because there was nobody to cook him any food...

God I am so glad to be rid of the waste of space.

CatCushion Fri 05-Dec-14 22:15:56

Have a lovely night, hope you are feeling better. flowers

tribpot Fri 05-Dec-14 22:25:04

That's so funny, his first ex wife?! She should be thanking her lucky stars she didn't get the crap kicked out of her too. Still - who knows, maybe she's been lucky enough not to hear the stories he told about her after their divorce. There really is no need for you to hear them either.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Hissy Fri 05-Dec-14 23:13:08

in my head, i'd post the fucking photos and tag the fucking lot of them.

you're better than that shower of shite.
ignore, that alone will kill him.. he wants a reaction.

pathetic impotent twat.

SpringBreaker Sat 06-Dec-14 08:05:08

I'm so tempted to post those photos. But I wont. I have never used Facebook as a tool for shit stirring and bitching at that level and never will. Him and his family seem to think that's what Facebook was invented for.

Impotent (due to excessive alcohol) was very true.. So was regularly wetting the bed and leaving it for me to deal with.

There are so so many things that he has said and done to me over the years. But it seems I am the bad one for leaving a depressed bloke. I was the bad one because after 11 years of not being allowed to go out on my own without getting multiple texts or calls and never relaxing because I knew I would have to go home to a paralytic test not knowing what mood he would be in.. And after years of him spoiling any friendships I had in various ways, including ogling my friends, commenting on their boobs, constant smut and innuendo.. Or just plain rude to them.. I finally decided it was time to change my life because he never would, and in all honesty I had no respect or love left for him. So I started to build a social life. He didn't like that of course. Tough shit as far as I was concerned.

This is the man who, when I travelled alone to the usa two years ago to meet my birth mother for the first time, did everything in his power to wreck it for me. And told me he wasn't remotely interested in my trip.

In 12 years he never once cooked a meal. Ever. He didn't like taking me out either, and on the rare occasions we did go out he would without fail create some argument which meant he could flounce off home (via the off licence for whisky) and leave me sat alone to make my own way home.

The thing I think which hurts is the number of people he has made up utter lies and bullshit too, who love a good gossip and I have heard the lies. I can't even bother to reply any more because if they want to believe him, they weren't friends of mine anyway.

I consider myself so lucky to have met the man I am now with. He's considerate, kind, never sexist or crude, loves cooking, makes me laugh, loves giving affection even though he admits it can be something he felt shy about before he met me. He never shuns affection from me either. Oh and he's 12 years younger than me too.. And loves me to bits. My ex was 8 years older.. So I really do hope that is one thing that really really pisses him off. Anyone I have seen recently who hadn't seen me for a while has told me how happy I look. And they are right.

Thanks for reading that long long post.. It was cathartic to write.

And to anyone in an abusive relationship who is scared of leaving. Don't be. You can do it. I left with nothing. He poured cooking oil all over my clothes after beating me up and I had managed to escape from the house. I lost my job as I worked for his sons company. I hadn't got a penny.

The police domestic violence unit were absolutely brilliant, so were the people who I had to see at the benefits office. Women's aid were great too. Nobody needs to stay in an abusive relationship.

Joysmum Sat 06-Dec-14 08:18:35

So glad you've got here to vent.

I don't meant to trivialise this but in my experience, I get angry when I expect better if people. From what you've weitten he's just following a pattern of behaviour that's only to be expected, although I'd be angry/upset/let down by those who have posted support on those updates. flowers

Cherriesandapples Sat 06-Dec-14 08:24:14

I would get screenshots of the abuse and report it to the Police as it is emotional abuse. He has a restraining order and I would ask the Police if that extends to FB defamation of character. Or ask your solicitor. Then I would use the evidence in the divorce proceedings.

EATmum Sat 06-Dec-14 08:27:49

Congratulations Spring. You sound like you've made some amazingly positive changes this year. Try to focus on that and be proud.

TongueBiter Sat 06-Dec-14 08:33:09

YY to screenshots and report to police. May come under Malicious Communications Act?

Well done for getting out from this wankstain's clutches.

heyday Sat 06-Dec-14 08:37:36

Of course he is trying to wreck this for you. How dare you be happy? He is seething now that he doesn't have complete control over you and it's making him crazy with rage and revenge.
He will continue to try to put you down using any means possible. Sad that he doesn't have anything else to do with his sad pathetic life. Some people can only bring hatred and misery to the world.
You are going from strength to strength. Don't retalliate. Just sit back and watch the vile man make an idiot of himself. The only ones who will be listening to him are idiots and those who are as vile as himself.
Your future sounds bright and long may that last. I know from very personal experience how one monster can destroy so many lives and I am still waiting for the damage to be repaired in my own family from the horrors that one abusive man brought to our lives. You have given hope, of a happier life, to so many so go enjoy your life and lap up every second of your happy, harmonious life. You so deserve it.

SpringBreaker Sat 06-Dec-14 18:22:17

Thank you everyone.

I can also honestly say that Mumsnet helped me a lot in regaining my self respect and confidence and believing that I didn't need to put up with his crap and deserved better.

RandomMess Sat 06-Dec-14 18:27:19

I know he's doing a really shitty thing but it's so great to read your post about what fab support you got in leaving him and getting him prosecuted.

You go girl and keep spreading the word wink

tribpot Sat 06-Dec-14 18:31:17

But you were the one who freed yourself, who finally stood up to the bully and got out. Don't underestimate what a remarkable achievement that was.

Of course you would not use FB to retaliate but if you wanted to, I would post a link to this truly inspirational talk from another survivor of domestic violence and merely make some comment about how powerful her story is. You and she are strong women temporarily brought low, but now rising once again. Meanwhile pissychops is whinging on FB. No contest.

SpringBreaker Sat 06-Dec-14 19:24:26

I caved a bit and did put a link to this up

www.realmancampaign.com/

Along with the comment that it was a shame I knew a few who were not qualified to join it, but how glad I was that those people were no longer in my life.

tribpot Sat 06-Dec-14 19:48:54

I'd take your comment down - really. That's just playing into his hands. It's entirely up to you if you link to stuff to do with domestic violence - you have no need to be ashamed of having been a victim of it - but there's no need to refer to the perpetrator. Someone's bound to have told him what you wrote and he'll know that he's got to you.

Rise above - and ask whoever it was who told you what he'd posted to refrain in future; you have a restraining order for a purpose, and it's to get the bastard out of your life.

AliceinWinterWonderland Sat 06-Dec-14 23:29:22

OP, my abusive ex trashed me all over FB. I had people contacting me to tell me what he was saying (I had him blocked) as it was pretty bad. I really had to work to get them to understand that I didn't want to know. There's no point in returning fire. Those that know you, know better. Those that don't, well, who cares what they think? Yes, I was saddened that a few that I thought were "friends" were very easily swayed by his lies and quickly thought the worst of me, but in the long run - my friends and family knew better. And that's what kept me going.

Ignore. I could have told them a few home truths about ex that would have most likely shocked them, and really embarrassed him regarding abuse and an affair and all sorts.... but really, what's the point?

In the end, he looked petty and bitter. I didn't.

Hissy Sun 07-Dec-14 08:10:26

if you put that link up on your own page, leave it.

if it's on his, delete it.

block him and all his circle, you don'nt need anymore contact with him and tell any little winged monkeys that come tittle-tattling that you couldn't care less what utter bollocks he makes up.. you have the proof, the police and the courts have it and MrPantsOnFire knows this.

you genuinely don't care what he thinks of you, you're just glad he's pissing in his OWN bed...

honestly, give the messenger a siberian blast and make no bones about the side you expect normal people to be on.

Cameochick11 Sun 07-Dec-14 08:31:11

Report the posts as malicious to Facebook. I've done that before, and the posts were removed, and a a warning sent to the poster. I'm glad you are out of there. Be happy xx

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