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Husband cheating yet again

(16 Posts)
gubbygubby Fri 05-Dec-14 20:52:48

4 years ago I found a second phone . Turns out he was having an EA with a woman with a stall where he works. He admitted he had arranged to meet her that week, I found out just in time. Anyway we went to relate, he asked to move office , we tried to get our sec life back on track. I found out 6 weeks ago he had been moved back to this office but hadn't told me as he was worried about my reaction. I sort of got this . Yesterday which was the same date as my discovery 4 years ago I found messages to her in a we chat app that he had deleted. I clicked on his App Store and when we chat was first up I re downloaded it and there she was. His last contact was 3 weeks ago. I confronted him. He said he was weak, he finds her attractive and he only contacted her for about a week. 2 weeks ago I found in his phone history porn sites and also an adult hook up site. He had been in this on 4 separate days. He denied being on it and said the porn was for a quick wank. He is adamant he has not been unfaithful. Previous 10 years ago or less, ive found a message in a phone to a dating website , friends reunited message asking a woman to ring him so I wouldn't see messages, before w got married snogs with women in clubs. I'm sick of it but have 4 kids

26Point2Miles Fri 05-Dec-14 20:56:23

You'll still be sick of this this time next year and you'll also still have 4 kids! Think you know what you've got to do op..

Fooshufflewickbannanapants Fri 05-Dec-14 21:06:02

And would you be happy if anyone of those kids had a serial cheater for a partner? If their partner treated them with the same utter disrespect that your H treats you? It's a very simple LTB.

inlectorecumbit Fri 05-Dec-14 21:07:41

He won't change, you have caught him 3 times now. What is your line in the sand gubbygubby?
I think you know what you have to do.

LayMeDown Sat 06-Dec-14 00:42:52

You haven't got many replies because the answer is so obvious. There is no peace or happiness for you in this relationship. He will continue doing what he wants because he thinks you will accept it as long as he comes up with a mildly plausible explanation.
Do yourself a favour and get out of this toxic situation.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Sat 06-Dec-14 00:50:19

Fool me once - shame on you.

Fool me twice - shame on me.

Fool me three/four/five times - you know what you signed up to, so own your choices and stop moaning about it, or make different choices.

Mom2K Sat 06-Dec-14 02:14:07

You have 4 children - so? I know a woman with 5 daughters who recently got rid of her scumbag DH and she was a SAHM (although is now entering the work force). You can do it. You do not have to put up with mistrust & misery. Your children are the biggest reason you should do it, but you deserve to be happy too.

FastWindow Sat 06-Dec-14 02:20:49

And your question is?

ChippingInAutumnLover Sat 06-Dec-14 02:32:47

Fastwindow. It's not a question and answer forum. Questions are not obligatory, so why don't you find somewhere else for your overwhelming compassion?

FastWindow Sat 06-Dec-14 02:36:08

Put my hands up to that chipping fired it off too quick.

ChippingInAutumnLover Sat 06-Dec-14 02:38:12

gubby <<hug>>. I'm sorry your DH has turned out to be such an absolute bastard sad he's not going to change though. Yes, it'll be hard being a single parent to 4 kids, but it won't be as hard as living with someone who treats you like this. I'd suggest telling him you won't fight over the children, 50/50 care will be a suitable arrangement. Watch the git squirm. If you can bear it, it's actually worth thinking about.

You know what you need to do, you just need to find the strength to do it.

FastWindow Sat 06-Dec-14 03:00:54

Having connection problems. Not a harsh person at all, check my other posts, please!!

gubby do you depend on him financially? It's a hard decision to make when you have to factor in the cash money situation. God knows I've delayed a bad thing due to the financial implications.

You need to find some self worth, coupled with a cynical view on the money side. Legal representation would help here- you can get free consultations from the CAB.

Sorry that I came across as harsh. Wasnt intended.

Boredshitless Sat 06-Dec-14 06:54:28

Don't let this vile man ever do this to you again. He knows that you are reluctant to end the marriage because of your children, so is using that.

Tell him to pack his bags and go...... He's had his chances and taken his choices.

I know that it's easy for me to say but you are clearly being mad to fell,so sad by this horrid man.


gubbygubby Sat 06-Dec-14 07:32:36

I do stay because of the children...they are not easy children,oldest one had CAHMS drama this last few months with self harming ect.
I do not want to affect their standard of living either. I have my own business but don't earn enough to live like we do now. We are not lavish by the way but the kids activities are expensive and tutor for GCSE ect. We have a flat nearby that we rent out becoming vacant soon though. He is a very good dad and is good to me in different ways. He actually thinks things are okay. Said I never touch him ( true)
But sex is once a month tops and I never climax. No foreplay, just in and out till he comes then nothing more for me. I know I should speak up but it's been 20 years now. We live our lives very busy and really no affection outside the bedroom either. Kisses on cheek, no holding hands.ect .
I'm actually not really miserable, very scared at being on my own.
I wondered whether to suggest an open relationship , or live together but separate so kids not affected

Boredshitless Sat 06-Dec-14 07:42:23

I understand but please don't suggest an open relationship. This is not about sex, it's about love.

20 years and there are some deep rooted "normalities" that makes little sense, what I mean is its the norm to have sex once a. Onto without fore play, it's the norm to have no physical touching, hand holding etc.

If you want to stay married, I am not to judge you on that, then please do not destroy your self respect by him having an open relationship.

Talk to him, tell him, if you want to try then you have to talk, talk and talk.

The sexual side of things has broken down because of the physical (non sexual, touching etc) has broken down. Take time out for you, maybe get away for a couple of days and if you feel up to it ask your husband to join you after a couple of days.

I don't know if I am giving good advice but you just seem so sad, it's horrible that your husband has made you feel this way.


piggychops Sat 06-Dec-14 07:43:30

The children are being affected now, you're just not seeing it. Children miss nothing, they pick up every little vibe. They also learn from example. What they see in your marriage, they will think of as normal. Do you want them to grow up thinking that ? Because that is what they will take with them to their own relationships. Staying together for the children just doesn't work, it breeds resentment.

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