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Pregnant and fallen for someone else - please help & don't judge

(184 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Scarlettlou14 Fri 05-Dec-14 14:28:37

Really need help with this one, I'm almost 7 months pregnant with my first child and I have a loving husband who works away from home for long periods of time, I love my husband very much but as I don't have much family around I'm on my own often.

recently I allowed the attentions of another man to get under my skin, he promised me the world and I genuinely genuinely believed he cared, against my better judgement we began sleeping together, it ended after a fews weeks and now I'm left feeling empty, I feel tremendous guilt for what I've done to my husband, I am disgusted with myself, Yet I feel like I've fallen for this other man who has made it clear though his actions that he goes not feel the same.

I feel the same hurt I would do in a breakup situation, I can't stop crying, it's been a difficult pregnancy with lots of problems. I am really hoping with all my heart this is just pregnancy hormones.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

please don't judge me, no body can make feel any worse than I do already xxxx

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 14:35:17

Guilt is something you just have to live with, I'm afraid. No short-cuts there. All you can really do is understand why you were so readily willing to be flattered by someone new.. and I can't believe it was just boredom... and try to learn from your mistake. And then it's a case of 'manning up'. If you're crying all the time, your DH is going to notice at some point and that's risks you spilling the beans. And this 'OM' sounds like a prize creep. Could he ruin things for you?

Scarlettlou14 Fri 05-Dec-14 15:12:18

Thank you, I don't think the other man would ruin things for me, he'd have nothing to gain, I just feel such a fool, I'm not sure how yet, but I will make it right for my baby and his daddy smile x

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 15:28:26

Do you properly understand why it happened? Only the phrase 'against my better judgement' sounds a little mealy-mouthed tbh..... Are you saying you were coerced? It wasn't voluntary?

Going forward, being disgusted, guilty and all the rest is fair enough but it doesn't actually achieve anything except to make you feel bad. Making it right for your family also sounds nice but what does that mean in reality? If your relationship with your husband needs attention it's not something you can do in a one-sided way. If him working away for long periods is causing you unhappiness, for example, that's not something you can fix solo.

Understand why you acted as you did first and foremost. Then learn from it rather than guiltily over-compensating as a knee-jerk response. Be a better & wiser person as a result of your mistake ... not a more trapped, more lonely person.

LadyLuck10 Fri 05-Dec-14 15:34:17

I'm sorry but you are pregnant with your husbands child and sleeping with someone else. You need to inform your husband you have been cheating. No excuse for cheating.

PotteringAlong Fri 05-Dec-14 15:36:46

Did you use condoms? If not, tell your midwife now as some std's can be harmful to the baby and you need to be checked.

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 15:36:55

I don't think the OM is the father of the child. What does she gain by telling her husband?

Palmyra Fri 05-Dec-14 15:41:54

Scarlettlou14 - You have to ask yourself a question, If this man came through with his promise and "gave you the world" would you have left your husband?

If the answer is YES, then you need to do the decent thing and leave your husband. You are only upset because he hasn't followed through on his promise and you realise you have been duped.

If the answer is NO (truly), then consider the following.

Due to your home life situation, you obviously have times on loneliness. This can leave you low and exposed. Its sounds to me (and I am a man who works away from home) that this man has taken advantage of your loneliness. He has flattered you and shown an interest at a time of vulnerability. You made a mistake, swallow it, hide it deep inside and Learn from it and move on. DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND. Move on a build a life for you and your husband and child.

LadyLuck10 Fri 05-Dec-14 15:46:07

I cannot believe people are advising her to keep her cheating a secret. Wow. If this was a man he would be slated on here. Your husband doesn't deserve this.

Palmyra Fri 05-Dec-14 15:55:27

LadyLuck10 - I am a man. Why wreck something for a single mistake.

AuntieStella Fri 05-Dec-14 15:57:36

There isn't a satisfactory 'answer' on whether or not to tell.

On a thread such as this, much of the advice says 'don't', but on threads when infidelity is discovered, it's all 'DP didn't confess, it's only because you found out, s/he was happy to lie indefinitely' etc. There is no risk free way out of this.

OP: you do need to look carefully at why you did this. You can learn from experience. You were able to take the decisions that led you into the affair. Now you need to take the decisions which will shape what sort of life you have next. This isn't a matter of PG hormones, or anything else which may lead you to procrastinate. Your are faced with choices now, and they are your responsibility. Counselling may help you in RL to clarify your thinking, and help you make the decisions that you must.

(And yes, unless you have medical evidence that your lover was STD-free, you need to go for a check, especially becuase the affair was, as I read it, was during PG).

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 16:06:37

" Wow. If this was a man he would be slated on here"

I don't agree. If there is no chance that the DH is going to find out about this accidentally, if he's not even suspicious and seeing as the OP appears to have been dumped by the OM and is not carrying on the affair then confessing all seems to add foolishness on top of foolishness.

Where people are usually advised to tell all is when they have been caught bang to rights and are trying to go for a reconciliation. Then there is no point in hiding the truth because it only feeds the mistrust. Or they are told to tell all when others become aware of an affair that's still going on and threaten to go public.

It's not a gender thing

quietlysuggests Fri 05-Dec-14 16:13:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flatbellyfella Fri 05-Dec-14 16:23:28

Telling your Husband of your actions will cause him to have doubts for the rest of his life , you will have to live with your guilt , to maintain what you had before the affair. Sharing your secret on here may help you now, but it will certainly be a heavy burden to carry through life. You won't be the first to find yourself in this dilemma scarlett, I wish you strength & goodwill to overcome your problem, & hope your pregnancy goes well.

Coyoacan Fri 05-Dec-14 16:25:22

If there is no chance that the DH is going to find out about this accidentally, if he's not even suspicious and seeing as the OP appears to have been dumped by the OM and is not carrying on the affair then confessing all seems to add foolishness on top of foolishness

I agree.

I have a friend who foolishly got involved with smooth talker while her fiancé was living away and the OM was just as a much of a jerk as this one obviously is. She never told her fiancé and fortunately he never found out. It was a stupid, stupid mistake but she and her now husband have the most beautiful family and relationship.

I think the OP should seriously address the problem of her isolation.

And before anyone complains I have never told anyone, man or woman, to leave their partner on the sole basis of an infidelity.

Scarlettlou14 Fri 05-Dec-14 16:28:35

Thank you everyone, firstly I did use condoms and have been checked.

Lots of what has been mentioned is true, I have felt extremely lonely recently, i've been needing lots of baby scans and appointments recently which I've had to attend on my own, I know my husband is working away to provide the best possible start for our family.

I realise I have been taken advantage off at a time when I'm feeling vulnerable but I still made a choice to cheat, A choice which I bitterly regret now.

I feel like this man has been trying to convince me I'm in love with him just so I would sleep with him.

This is completely out of character for me, I have only been in a couple of relationships and my husband was only the second person I'd ever had any sexual contact with.

As far as problems in my marriage, I can only identify loneliness as my husband is great man.

I'm choosing not to tell my husband as I am hoping I can put this behind me, I would never have left my husband for this other man.

MiniTheMinxLovesMinxPies Fri 05-Dec-14 16:30:51

What is upsetting you the most, guilt or being duped? Pride or remorse?

You say you love your husband but were you happy in your marriage? was it just loneliness?

MiniTheMinxLovesMinxPies Fri 05-Dec-14 16:33:11

Sorry X-posted. I think you are right to put this behind you. Ignore advice to tell DH, provided you are sure that there is no way he could find out from a third party.

Scarlettlou14 Fri 05-Dec-14 16:45:19

Thank you I'm sure there is no way he would find out, I don't want to destroy things anymore then I have already and I'm positive if I explain my loneliness to my husband he will do all he can to help the situation x

intlmanofmystery Fri 05-Dec-14 16:55:37

Agree that you shouldn't tell as it will not help anyone and could ruin everything. You know you have done wrong and I'm afraid will have to live with that. However it is important to understand why you did it so it doesn't happen again. Loneliness, loss of intimacy with H due to pregnancy, feeling desired by OM even though pregnant, raging confusing hormones or something else?? Think about what really deep down caused this and then try to resolve it as I get the feeling you don't want to fall into this trap again! If DH works away, could you move house to be closer so he is not away every night or stay at his hotel for a couple of nights a week? Doesn't sound like you have a great support network where you are...

ShortandSweeter Fri 05-Dec-14 17:15:06

What's all this shit about 'mistakes'? Having an affair is not a mistake. One can MAYBE apply the term 'mistake' to having a ONS after a night out or something but it certainly doesn't apply here. Tell your husband. He DESERVES to know what's happened so he can make a fully informed decision of what to do now. Best of luck.

Scarlettlou14 Fri 05-Dec-14 17:21:58

Thank you, he will be home next week so we will sit down and see what solutions we can come to, your right I don't have much of a support network, I live in a very small town, I have a few family member and some close friend but they have their own issues and need my support more than the other way round x

Scarlettlou14 Fri 05-Dec-14 17:25:19

I appreciate your opinion Shortandsweet but I've decided I'm not going to tell him, I'm going to see if we can sort out the problems that have led to me doing thus in the first place x

ShortandSweeter Fri 05-Dec-14 17:27:14

Best wishes anyhow x

Scarlettlou14 Fri 05-Dec-14 17:30:40

Thank you x

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