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Can't believe it

(171 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

etatdechoc Fri 05-Dec-14 13:18:18

NC although I don't often post on MN (customary lurker). I have been married to my DH for a long time ... Things have been somewhat difficult between us since the arrival of our last DC (we have 3). No DTD for several years now due to prolonged night breastfeeding, DH's frequent business trips away, my work from home involving some late nights ... Anyway, I just went online to check our email account and saw a message coming in which immediately went to the Spam folder. Clicked on it and saw an XFlirt account with his photo, his work situation ... He has selected about 15 women as his favourite contacts, and asked for the private photo album of one of them. From the date, it was when he was away on his last business trip recently. I am completely numb and don't know what to do or say to him. I guess it is partly my fault as no intimacy for a long time now, I am just too tired and seem to have lost my desire in that area. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 13:27:18

I'm sorry you've had a nasty surprise. Please don't blame yourself. If there's no intimacy in the relationship the correct thing to do is to talk about it like grown-ups and find some solutions... not resort to seedy and secretive behaviour. I've no idea what this account is? Do you get the impression that it's more than just photos?

etatdechoc Fri 05-Dec-14 13:32:04

Thanks CogitOIOIO. It seems to be a chat room, with potential to meet up as you put in your location and how far away you want to contact people, if you see what I mean. Otherwise some of the posters offer webcam "services" ... The messages and photos are all extremely sordid. Lots of details have not been filled in on his profile page, which is slightly comforting. Bizarrely what upsets me the most is that he has used the name of one of our children as his password, and a photo from a family holiday as his profile picture. He has tried to talk to me about the lack if intimacy, and we have agreed things need to change, but now having found this ...

Cabrinha Fri 05-Dec-14 13:44:21

It is not your fault.

It might be a joint responsibility that your relationship has broken down.

But him cheating with other women (that's what this is, and quite possibly physically is too) as a response is ALL HIS FAULT.

Tell him what you've found.
Tell him to move out while you decide what to do - and to stay faithful whilst he does, if he wants ANY chance again.
Get some space.
Decide if you even want this marriage.
You can't start having sex just to stop him cheating.
If you want the marriage, tell him you'll work with him on the intimacy, but make sure he knows that his disgusting cheating has just made that work a hell of a lot harder.
Do the work together. Counselling, making time to be a couple and spend time without kids, but with sex off the agenda until you are ready.

What an arsehole.

Oh and my opinion - if he does anything other than admit his behaviour and accept responsibility, then don't even give him the chance to work on it. Cock.

So sorry for you.

Pinklaydee1302 Fri 05-Dec-14 14:13:08

Men will always seek sex if not getting at home, surely you must know this OP?

Sorry if this sounds blunt but it's the cold hard fact of life hmm

Jan45 Fri 05-Dec-14 14:15:49

OP, never anyone's fault when a partner seeks sex/intimacy outside of the relationship - never any excuse for that kind of shitty behaviour.

If there's a problem in your relationship you talk to each other, or decide it's best to split, you don't go behind a person's back like a 12 year old.

Hope you don't take the blame for this, it's his actions, not yours.

Jan45 Fri 05-Dec-14 14:17:20

Certainly wouldn't trust him when he's away that's for sure.

HumblePieMonster Fri 05-Dec-14 14:20:02

Men will always seek sex if not getting at home, surely you must know this OP
I'm not sure we should accept always as true. 'Many men' perhaps.

As well as not getting sex at home, he's not giving any, and that is relevant.

In the years I've been reading MN, I've been astounded at how little sex is going on in marriages and other long term relationships. The indications are that MNers, at least, are getting far less sex than they would like.

OP, I don't know if there is any hope for your relationship. Why not make plan B, for life without him, and see if you like the sound of it?

mumonashoestring Fri 05-Dec-14 14:20:46

Pinklaydee, you win the prize for the most moronic post I've read today. If that's the most useful thing you can come out with, step away from the keyboard.

OP, you definitely need a long, honest conversation with your OH. It's no fun when you're in a relationship that's out of balance in terms of what each partner wants sexually but sitting hunched over your keyboard begging for photos of other womens bits is not the answer.

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 14:23:36

"He has tried to talk to me about the lack if intimacy, and we have agreed things need to change, but now having found this ..."

It's totally up to you, of course, and this may be something that you personally find unforgiveable and the end of the road. That's one way forward. Or.... you could confront him with this as something that is very disappointing, a big let down, and treat it as a 'rock bottom' moment when you start properly dealing with the state of your relationship. Not jus the intimacy but the whole set up.

nrv0us Fri 05-Dec-14 14:23:57

Pinklaydee -- And this year's 'MN Tact and Accuracy' award goes to...someone else.

etatdechoc Fri 05-Dec-14 14:24:57

Thank you all for your (mostly) helpful remarks and sympathy. Definitely no plan B in my head for now, but dreading the long, honest talk that I know we need to have tonight. I am worried that this is only the thin end of the wedge and that other, less "virtual" stuff may have been going on as well. I will only be able to talk to him privately later on this evening when the DC are not around.

etatdechoc Fri 05-Dec-14 14:27:58

Yes, CogitOIOIO, you are absolutely right. That's very helpful. I think I am currently on the "big let-down but let's move on" scenario, although that depends how our discussion goes tonight.

TheHermitCrab Fri 05-Dec-14 14:29:00

Men will always seek sex if not getting at home, surely you must know this OP?

Not true and a ridiculously sexist an narrowmind comment to make. Especially when there are a lot of women in relationships who are not sexually fulfilled because the man doesn't want to...etc.

So sorry you have caught your partner out on this OP. Anything like this makes me sick to my stomach, it's immature, and seedy, and completely disrespectful.

The fact is whoever's fault it is for lack of intimacy, you just can't bugger off and get it where you fancy, you either deal with it head on with the person or leave because it's a deal breaker, you don't sneak and lie with other women and betray your partner.

etatdechoc Fri 05-Dec-14 14:32:03

Thanks Hermit, I agree entirely. But obviously things have got to change, and I know it is going to be hard work whatever the outcome.

TheHermitCrab Fri 05-Dec-14 14:35:54


It's a toughie, things will never be the same, but I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do with him xx

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 14:40:28

I think this has to be presented as a really serious make or break moment. The whole thing hanging in the balance and life as he knows it dependent on him showing some remorse and reparation. Ideas of 'moving on' sound premature.

etatdechoc Fri 05-Dec-14 14:41:16

TheHermitCrab, thank you. It is so good to find support from you all on here as I don't feel I can talk about it just yet to RL friends. This situation just doesn't feel real or possible, it is so not "us" and I could never have imagined DH would do this kind of thing ...

etatdechoc Fri 05-Dec-14 14:43:37

Cogito, X-post. You are right, it is really serious, but I truly believe it is a momentary blip on his part. He is away so much for his work, and no intimacy at home for so long must have taken its toll. I feel stupid for not realising that sooner.

Jan45 Fri 05-Dec-14 16:00:31

I cannot believe you are taking the blame for his shitty behaviour cos he wasn't `getting` it at home - imagine if we all went out and did this when we felt neglected at home, it's NO excuse.

Pinklaydee1302 Fri 05-Dec-14 17:21:20

I didn't mean to sound rude but OP asked for help and advice.

That's the way I see it, sorry if it doesn't fit with anyone else's view of life hmm

Jan45 Fri 05-Dec-14 17:34:12

Yeah OP it's all your fault your man is seeking sexual kicks elsewhere, even though he's done FA to address the problem with you, I mean, you should be lying spread eagled when he comes home from work.

Perhaps the OP is tired cos she has 3 kids to look after whilst arsehole is working away putting his pic up all over the internet.

Christmascandles Fri 05-Dec-14 18:28:56


sorry to read what you've found.

When you come to speak to him later, please can you bear the following in mind....
Firstly he will deny everything
Secondly he will minimise what he has done. I. E. He will say it was only the one web site and only looked once. This is likely to be a lie. There are many web sites like this around. Some are free, others are not. If you can have a skim thru bank statements, Global Personals there at all...?
He will only admit to what he thinks he can get away with, or what you already know.
Thirdly, as soon as he can he will delete everything. That's why you need to go now and take screen shots.

When you come to speak to him you need to ask the question " I'd like you to tell me why you have opened a xxx account.
AND THEN BE QUIET. Sorry to shout but this is important. Once you've asked there will be silence whilst he thinks, fuck, now what.
Do not fill this silence.

Hope the above helps you OP. Many of us have walked this path before you.
It doesn't mean it's the end, but it does need him to be totally honest and transparent going forward.
Good luck thanks

Christmascandles Fri 05-Dec-14 18:30:58

Forgot to say...
No way is this your fault. thanks

etatdechoc Fri 05-Dec-14 18:53:42

Thank you all for your kindness and great advice. I have just confronted DH in the way you suggest, and am pleased to say the matter is now resolved. Security problems with his work computer mean that someone has hacked his identity, he will sort it out at work on Monday. I know this sounds unbelievable as an explanation, but he has already recently had other hassles with spam emails which have captured info while he has been using Wifi in hotels and airports. Apparently they have now captured a photo, his date of birth and his (now former) work password.Worrying!

To say I am relieved though is a massive understatement. Relieved and exhausted!

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