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How to ditch my FWB

(25 Posts)
CupidStuntSurvivor Fri 05-Dec-14 12:53:05

So, I've had a friend with benefits for a good few months now. The sex is much-needed and very good. I didn't know him well before this arrangement, just for a few weeks and we'd both agreed that we didn't want a relationship.

At first, he seemed enthusiastic and friendly, came across as honest, open minded and though he's not overly intelligent, he was always open to a good debate. It was fun.

Fast forward a few months. He started turning up early (not on as I have an 8 month old and I don't want him round when she's awake). He's started sleeping in really late and lingering before he leaves. For ages. He's even (apparently jokingly) complained a few times that I'm not going to wake him up with a brew when he stays (there are no slaves in this flat, you know where the kettle is). His debates have become so narrow minded that I've actually asked him if he suddenly blindly believes everything he sees on Facebook. He's come out with things that are frankly racist, and I've told him so. He's 'started a business' (no work has come from it yet) and the website is full of false testimonials. Frankly, he's not actually very good at the trade he's entered into. He used to turn up with something for us to drink and I'd cover any food but he stopped doing that so his visits cost me money I can't really afford. Basically, he's not the person he likes to portray himself as and certainly not the type of person I want in my life.

Being a FWB situation, I figured I'd just let it naturally fizzle out, be too busy, not answer some messages, until he got the hint. I'd wanted to avoid a full blown confrontation at all costs...And I'd already pulled him about all of the points above, told him he's out of line as and when each one cropped up. I didn't feel the need to list all of his shortcomings at him.

But he's started messaging saying I'm ignoring him. I replied saying I've been really busy and just don't have the time right now. He said he doesn't have a crystal ball so I should have let him know. I replied that I wasn't aware I had to check in with him. "I'll be in touch when you've got your knickers out of a twist."

Help me form a reply? I don't want to make enemies. He's not dangerous, just hugely ignorant and it seems quite a chauvinist. Or would you continue with my stupid avoidance tactics?

TeeBee Fri 05-Dec-14 12:59:09

Nope, I'd say be blunt. 'Look, things are not working out for me. I don't want to carry on with our arrangement. I wish you the best'. Then no contact. If he keeps on contacting you. Just copy and paste the exact same phrase until he gets it.

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 12:59:39

Avoidance never really works. Be straight with him. Tell him 'it's over' and leave it at that.

ruddygreattiger Fri 05-Dec-14 13:01:05

How about something along the lines of ' this isnt working for me anymore, take care of yourself and see you around' then block his number, email,facebook etc. Keep it short and simple and concentrate on you and your baby for now.

holdyourown Fri 05-Dec-14 13:05:51

you don't sound like you're the 'friends' bit of FWB
Just say you've decided you don't want to pursue this further or any of suggestions above, but yes spell it out clearly then ignore.

magoria Fri 05-Dec-14 13:10:00

A sime text. Its not working for me any more, thanks for all the fun, goodbye.

AMumInScotland Fri 05-Dec-14 13:11:51

Just 'this isn't working for me' is enough, isn't it? That was the point of this being just sex and not a relationship. It isn't even really 'FWB' if he's not someone you'd want to count as a friend!

I don't think you should play the 'too busy' game or avoid him. There's no need for it to be a confrontation - if it is then all the more reason to be better off out of it, since that would mean it has become something else in his mind rather than just convenient sex.

I think you're better doing it by phone or in person, rather than by text, but if that's your main channel of communication then just make it straightforward.

"The fact is, I'm not enjoying this any more, and I think it's run its course. Better that we both recognise that and call it a day."

CupidStuntSurvivor Fri 05-Dec-14 13:14:59

holdyourown that's precisely why I'm ending it. Like I say, the sex is good but the racism was the last straw for the friendship.

Jan45 Fri 05-Dec-14 16:27:47

You don't sound like friends at all so just text him and tell him you are no longer interested, it isn't hard, he sounds a user anyway and a thick one to boot.

WildBillfemale Fri 05-Dec-14 20:39:16

He was a 'FWB' and now he's trying to elevae his status to 'cocklodger'.

No big dramas - just tell him politely you don't want to see him anymore as you don't feel positive about the situation anymore.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh Fri 05-Dec-14 21:06:25

Just be a grown up and tell him you don't want to see him anymore. Just because it's not a full on relationship doesn't mean you don't owe him the courtesy of telling him when you've decided not to see him again.

brokenhearted55a Fri 05-Dec-14 21:29:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Fri 05-Dec-14 21:33:03

I think he has ended it, hasn't he ?

"I'll be in touch when you've got your knickers out of a twist" sounds pretty final to me. I would certainly accept it as so, not make any more contact and completely ignore any attempts he makes

Job done

CupidStuntSurvivor Sat 06-Dec-14 12:41:38

You reckon AF? That'd certainly be convenient! Though I can't help thinking the other posters are right and I should man up and tell him for sure so there's no doubts on his part. really don't want to though

CogitOIOIO Sat 06-Dec-14 13:46:47

You know, if you go down the whole FWB path you have to be really heard hearted & ruthless about boundaries. It's not like romantic relationships where there might be some give and take based on 'love' or ideas of a future together. It's a relationship of convenience, no emotions are involved and, when it's no longer convenient, either party can just walk away. If you're struggling to end this and move on, you may want to think about whether FWB is suitable for you.

Castlemilk Sat 06-Dec-14 13:52:48

I too think it would potentially be easier to now not contact him. Less hassle. If he then contacts you at some time in the future when his pea brain has deemed you forgiven, a rather effective reply would be 'Sorry, I don't have this number in my contacts, do I know you?'

eddielizzard Sat 06-Dec-14 13:58:12

i would also not contact him again. i'd take his text as a dump msg. although i suspect he's hoping you'll reply. he clearly thinks he's onto a good thing.

if he texts you again, then you could say 'it's over. move on.' and not contact again.

dirtybadger Sat 06-Dec-14 14:14:44

I wouldn't bother replying. Doesn't sound like he's expecting one.

The fizzle thing works sometimes so I think you were right to try it first. If he does send another message in a few days then obviously reply. Are you likely to bump into one another? Tell him he's an ignorant arsehole.

On a different note if you find someone else, is a cup of tea really an insult? I don't ask for drinks when I see "friends" but I do sort of expect them to be in charge of water and sometimes a hot drink in the morning whilst we have a chat. I would feel quite uncomfortable wandering around their house and kitchen doing it...I don't help myself or offer. Sometimes I get one (nice), sometimes I don't (not bothered). Granted I wouldn't be so rude as to demand one upon waking! I would find it a bit of an invasion of privacy/weird if a FWB I was never decent friends with started helping themselves.

CupidStuntSurvivor Sat 06-Dec-14 15:21:19

Not likely to run into each other too often dirty but will probably see him in the street from time to time. Nothing social...I thought that through before starting this because I'm not looking for anything serious. My DD is young and in need of too much attention for me to indulge in an infatuation smile.

The tea's the fact that he expects to be brought tea in bed as if I have an inbuilt alarm telling me when he's going to wake up, then goes on about it later on. If he woke up, called me in and asked for one, it'd be another matter entirely.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Dec-14 15:44:41

Just don't contact him again, op. He has given you your "out". You seem a bit reluctant to take it though. Ah well, you either mean what you say don't.

Meerka Sat 06-Dec-14 16:05:03

Think you dodged a cocklodging bullet here, OP.

Hopefully he won't contact you again, as others have said. If he does, then it's time for the straightforward speaking that it's not working any more.

Such a shame when someone pretends to be one thing then is actuallly the complete opposite :s

Walkacrossthesand Sat 06-Dec-14 16:18:07

'I'll be in touch when you've got your knickers out of a twist.' hmm How very dare he! 'Knickers still twisted & likely to remain so for forseeable, mate - have a nice life' seems like fitting response if he contacts you again, then block.

CupidStuntSurvivor Sat 06-Dec-14 16:36:34

Not reluctant to take the out AF. I just have a feeling that his last message was him spitting his dummy out and that he'll probably find it again in a few days.

If he does though, I'll be telling him in no uncertain terms that the arrangement turned sour when he let the nice man facade drop and I'd rather he weren't in my life.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Dec-14 17:59:02

Good for you. thanks

intlmanofmystery Sat 06-Dec-14 19:15:47

If he does get back in touch, be direct and explicitly clear. Don't leave any ambiguity about it. Some guys don't respond well to being dumped and will also see hope (even where there is none) but if your social circles are separate then hopefully he'll move on. Keep those "knickers twisted"!

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