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Is it ok to say "I don't want to fall in love with you/anyone" ?

(44 Posts)
redundantandbitter Fri 05-Dec-14 11:14:54

..Or am I sounding mean and selfish?

After a shitty stupid time with ex I gave been single (happily) for Neath a year . Started OND and met bloke on POF.

Been seeing each other since Aug. He's about to be divorced. Long marriage . Grown up kids. Seperated over a year. All fairly amicable.

I like him. I'm find of him. But he's not 'the one' and that's what I like . I don't want 'the one'. I don't want the feeling /pain of falling in love and all that. I can't be doing with feeling that vulnerable and exposed.

So I'm with a man who is kind, loyal, generous, interesting, loves doing lots of diverse things, fairly compatible in bed... He likes me. But recently he's started telling me he's got 'massive' feelings for me. (Mostly when he's had a pint or two). And I freeze... I've flattened and diverted these texts/conversations and I feel mean. I would be pretty hacked off if my previous feelings and emotions were ignored.

Last night he (over the phone) told me he loved me. And I can't say it back. To him or anyone. So he's fed up now as I'm not reciprocating.

Am I being a cow? He knows my history (it's not big and not clever) and I'm sure I says right at the start that I wasn't looking for a big love affair. What do I do now? I'd like to just pootle along merrily like we were ... confused

redundantandbitter Fri 05-Dec-14 11:15:53

Apologies for horrendous typos. I'm poorly!

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 11:30:43

Once someone has declared big love I'm afraid things have changed. He's set his stall out... taken a risk... you don't feel the same way... it happens. Nobody's in the right or in the wrong but what you've now got is an incompatibility. If you don't see this going the distance then you probably ought to call it a day. Otherwise you're setting up false hopes and wasting their time.... and that's not nice.

Hope you feel better soon

redundantandbitter Fri 05-Dec-14 11:35:12

Thanks.

We have presents for each other and time together planned over Xmas. I like having someone and i guess I'd miss him. I wouldn't go back to OLD again. Why did he have to say it???

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 11:43:17

He said it presumably because he feels it. That's not a crime. Neither is liking having someone in your life as a companion. But I think some honesty is required and, if you don't feel the same way or don't want the big romantic thing (even if you said so up front), now's probably the time to say it. He may decide it's still worth it, he may think you can be persuaded, or he may decide he's looking for something else but at least everyone would be on the same page.

dadwood Fri 05-Dec-14 11:47:11

Hi OP, YANBU!

You haven't changed your stance from the start and it's a totally reasonable one. It's up to you what kind of relationship you want and how much commitment. As long as you are clear and consistent, he has no reason to complain.

Other than that, he is being quite fast with his love declaration IMO, and it's putting you in a difficult position since you have made yourself clear. so it might be a make or break thing for him. Pity to spoil what you have going, but that's his choice. Maybe he could have been more subtle and then given you a chance to steer him with less at stake. His error I think.

You could give up on it now or you could try to make very plain your boundaries once more, if he keeps asking for more, he's not right for you. If it causes him too much pain to adjust, he's not right for you, you don't want any guilt for denying him his love match.

Your position is reasonable and don't move from it unless you want to!

I was in your position once and I left the relationship. I was caught off guard by the "I think I love you!" in what I considered to be no-strings-attached-relationship. I did the right thing for both of us I think.

DuelingFanjo Fri 05-Dec-14 11:51:00

YANBU but you have to let him go. He wants a more loving committed relationship.

Granville72 Fri 05-Dec-14 11:51:48

An honest chat is called for, explain how you feel and why you feel it.

I felt the same as you after a long relationship, vowed never to fall in love or let anyone close again, but things change.

Given time, you'll probably change how you feel, grow to trust and fall in love again.

You need to tell him this, and be honest with him. He obviously thinks highly of you so you owe him that at least

redundantandbitter Fri 05-Dec-14 11:57:30

Cheers guys.

Sat at home not able to do much so it's been playing on my mind a bit.

I thought we were both looking for some intelligent enjoyable company to eat, go to gigs , theatre etc. We've done some really fun stuff together. He drives me nuts occasionally as he's a bit 'organise-y' but it's hardly a crime. He's been round twice this week to sit and hold my hand while I'm ill.

I do like the gentle romance, we both buy gifts and say sweet things and it's lovely. But love is just a whole heap of trouble IMHO.

Pah

redundantandbitter Fri 05-Dec-14 12:01:55

duelingfanjo great name BTW.

I think we are loving and committed. Do I have to commit to the next 5 yrs? We plan stuff and are very much monogamous. Neither of us interested in anyone else

dadwood Fri 05-Dec-14 12:06:49

Hi redundantandbitter

I think we are loving and committed - Are you sure you are sending him the right signals, are you sending conflicting messages with what you say and how you interact with him?

redundantandbitter Fri 05-Dec-14 12:12:51

I honestly don't know. Only had 2 relationships in 20 yrs. one long term and then ex twat .

I thought we were enjoying the intimacy, having someone to do things with, a lot of interests in common.... We chat, laugh, snog and text etc. But I have a busy life.. 2 small kids etc. He's always said "ok, it's not his perfect ideal set up, but I like you so let's just see".

Now I'm flummoxed. I don't want him to feel under-loved (I just made that up). But I don't think he dies 'love' me. I'm probably just the first person , since his marriage ended , to have shown him tenderness, kindess and some loving.

I'm just doing what comes naturally, I haven't planned it .

dadwood Fri 05-Dec-14 12:18:36

Maybe his and your definitions of love differ a bit. Other than that, I am stumped. For example, when you loving and committed that is love to him.

The woman who said "I think I love you" to me had recently left an emotionally abusive relationship, so maybe he is still decompressing from his marriage.

LadyBlaBlah Fri 05-Dec-14 12:23:51

I think you are getting hung up on the L word.

Whether you like it or not you are acting with love with him.

dadwood Fri 05-Dec-14 12:26:21

What LadyBlaBlah says.

And I am sorry to imply that he has had an EA relationship, I didn't mean to. I'm not very clear sometimes.

GoatsDoRoam Fri 05-Dec-14 12:28:28

You have been seeing each other only for 3-4 months. The way you describe your relationship, it seems to be progressing nicely. He's jumped to the "love" thing now, and that is not where you are.

Can you tell him that? You're both at a different stage, and this isn't surprising at 3-4 months in. Maybe tell him that you love your time together, you like the way this is going, and while you appreciate that he was brave enough to express his feelings, you personally are not at that stage.

It doesn't sound like you want to leave him over it, so let him decide whether non-immediate reciprocation is a dealbreaker for him.

redundantandbitter Fri 05-Dec-14 12:37:49

Thank you goats you've expressed my thoughts way better than me . He apologised 'for being a fool' last night and I told him it was brave to express his feelings, not foolish. But he was drunk, I've got shingles and i suggested we discuss this issue when both feeling better and in the same room!!!!

lady .. Yes, I am acting loving and committed. It's genuine . But I'm not 'in lurve' ... I don't get those flutter feelings that people go on about. And I don't want them, thanks . This way I don't put myself at risk . I feel
In control of my heart and emotions. But I don't want to hurt anyone.

LadyBlaBlah Fri 05-Dec-14 12:49:50

This risk thing has to be separated out from previous partners.

You mitigate risk by taking note of red flags and taking your time.

I've been where you are. My current bf said it at a similar time yours has, I didn't reciprocate and said something like "I'm not there yet but I know I love spending time with you and lust you a lot"

I needed to mitigate the risks before I could allow myself to 'be in love' and all that entails for me.

I still only 99% love him, still hold something back and haven't become entwined. But we are fine with that and the love is lovely, the best part actually.

redundantandbitter Fri 05-Dec-14 12:56:51

lady that sounds lovely .

He's not long term.., but I don't want long term. Basically he suits me for where I am and how I feel currently. Very very hurt by ex twat.

I'll talk to him at some point and lay some cards on the table. I guess it'll be up to him then. Thanks guys

1FluffyJumper Fri 05-Dec-14 13:05:58

Does he know he's not 'long term?' Does he know he's a 'you'll do for now but you'll never be the one?'

redundantandbitter Fri 05-Dec-14 13:13:35

Yes, he knows. I'm sure that we are BOTH aware we enjoy each other's company but I thought neither of us were looking for 'the one'

InfinitySeven Fri 05-Dec-14 14:14:42

You have to re-evaluate.

He may have known that it wasn't long term, and that you're not looking for 'the one', and felt the same at the start.

But feelings change, and his obviously have. He does love you, and he probably sees you as 'the one', and I should think he expected yours had, too.

You need to assess, and then reiterate, how you feel. It might be fine with him, or it might mean he needs to reassess, because there is a lot of potential for him to get hurt. Either way, he deserves to know.

redundantandbitter Fri 05-Dec-14 14:23:38

Yeah...I will talk with him.., I aways meant to.. Just finding the right time / finding the gumption.

I guess I just wanted to hear a few opinions first. Thanks guys. We'll talk.

HumblePieMonster Fri 05-Dec-14 14:23:47

Don't say anything you don't mean. His needs aren't actually your problem. Make your position clear and stick to it. He can then make his choice of whether to stay or go. As that's already your plan, I feel I'm giving sound advice...grin

KouignAmann Fri 05-Dec-14 14:31:48

When I met my DP we were both a bit bruised from broken marriages and looking for light hearted fun. We agreed a six week contract which is renewable by agreement. We have now clocked up 164 weeks together so just past the 26th renewal. We are still having fun, enjoying each others company and looking forward to the future. Along the way we seem to have bought a house moved in together and got engaged! But if he wasn't being nice to me I would refuse to renew the contract and he would have to move into the basement This works for us and has overcome my fear of making another mistake.
Just think of whether you like him enough to see him until Christmas, then reconsider. You will find time whizzes by!

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