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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Don't tell me to chill out!

104 replies

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 07:54

My OH is really starting to get on my nerves telling me to chill out! I'm 17+5 weeks and had a fairly good pregnancy so far. Although I am finding it hard to get comfy at night. I told me partner about this and his response was "you need to just chill". Also when I tell him I have cramps he says the same thing! I had a small bleed last week and he rushed out of worked to come to the hospital with me, when we found out everything was fine he said "you need to chill" I got very mad and said "it's not that bloody easy to just chill" his response then was "yes it is easy just relax"! Don't think he has quite come to terms with the fact I'm growing another little human inside me!! AIBU to be upset about this? ALSO!! He said when I'm in labour I have to be as quiet as possible and relaxed so I don't annoy him!

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Anniegetyourgun · 05/12/2014 07:58

He said what?

Presumably they don't have real women on his planet

Joysmum · 05/12/2014 08:11

My response would be...'and YOU need to stop minimising my feelings and be more supportive'.

LittleRedRidingHoodie · 05/12/2014 08:14

You need to be thinking about who you would like as a supportive birth partner. He may not be it.

CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 08:14

With respect, you do seem rather wound up and anxious. Pregnancy can be uncomfortable with various crises along the way but there are a lot of exclamation marks! in your post and, if that's how you're feeling and behaving IRL, I think his advice is probably coming from a place of genuine concern. Whether you're being unreasonable, I can't tell, but what is it you actually want him to do and say? Do you want him to be as upset as you are?

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 08:20

I would just like him to understand every first time mummy worries through out her pregnancy and it's natural. It upsets me more that he just thinks I exaggerate about how I feel and I'm "putting on" feel a bit tired and drained sometimes, that's why he says chill. A hug and a kiss and a "everything will be fine" would be highly appreciated. Although he is not an emotional man and Iv always known this so maybe I am just being hormonal about the situation.

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turbonerd · 05/12/2014 08:29

I don't understand why he thinks it's ok to ask you not to annoy him during the birth.
The deal should be that during birth you tie a rope around his willy and yank freely during the contractions. Then ask him to please be quiet as you need to concentrate and he had better not annoy you.
Oh, and if he complains that it hurts, just tell him that he is over-reacting.

I just find his attitude unhelpful. Sorry, op. I don't think it's about being emotional, it is about being supportive. See if you can have a talk about it.

CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 08:36

Have you told him what it is you want him to say and how you want him to react? Have you told him you need comfort rather than instructions? Does he know other expecting or new Dads? Has he been to any medical appointments? Ante natal classes? I'm not advocating spoon-feeding someone but if he is not generally a person who is in tune with other people's feelings or comfortable in a caring role, he's probably going to need something more specific than simply expect him to automatically know what to do in any given situation. He may not be flapping about or saying the right things but I note he did 'rush' from work when there was the bleed. I wouldn't dismiss him as not caring. This sounds like new territory for all concerned.

BTW As someone who suffered with high blood pressure during pregnancy, the advice to 'relax' came from all the medical professionals I met.

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 08:47

Turbonerd I'll keep that idea in mind thank you

Cogit I have explained I don't appreciate him telling me to chill out and would like him to support me a bit more. Iv explained I'm obviously going to worry a few times as everything is new to me. A few of his friends are fathers but I don't think he really speaks about the pregnancy with them, more about football and the new ps4 console. I know that when it comes to labour he will e flapping about as much as me, maybe he still hasn't come to terms with the fact I'm actually pregnant yet? Iv asked him to read up on pregnancy and how to support me but he refuses.

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RudePepper · 05/12/2014 08:50

He said when I'm in labour I have to be as quiet as possible and relaxed so I don't annoy him! He said what?! I am speechless. I'm afraid I agree with a rope round his willy or a large melon up his bottom to help him fully empathise with the birth process.

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 08:51

He came to the 12 week scan with me, and to the hospital with the bleed, he would come to the smaller appointments but he's really busy at work. which I fully appreciate all this and know he will always care and be there for me. I would just like to be able to talk about my worries with him rather than just being told to "chill"

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CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 08:53

Do you say what the support looks like? Do you say 'I need a hug/cup of tea/foot-rub/early night'... or whatever?

What I'm driving at is that some people are naturally caring and in tune with their partner. They don't need to be told that someone is tired or feeling sick, they twig on really quickly and can come up with something helpful. Some people are over-caring and make a massive fuss where it's not required.... they can be irritating. Some people want to care but have no clue what to do for the best. So they default to what would help them if they were in the same situation. Your partner can't be pregnant but if all he's getting from you is 'ANXIETY' and his response to anxiety is to chill out... that's what you'll get.

Now there's a chance he could simply be an unfeeling, uncaring bastard without a sensitive bone in his body. He may think pregnancy is a piece of piss, women make a big deal out of nothing and it's not an illness so why can't you get on with it. If he's one of those people you genuinely have a problem.

fairypond · 05/12/2014 08:58

OP, think of the future, he will tell the baby to "chill", and it might work.

I can guarantee you that he will not tell you to be quiet and not annoy him when you are in labour. He just hasn't got it yet. He does sound nice and calm though.

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 08:58

He does think it's a piece of piss. He said "labour can't be bad as having a cyst cut out".... And he says "it's not possible for you to be tired this much" he does do small things for me like cook tea if I'm not feeling up to it, but then moans that he's had to work all day then come home and cook. That makes me feel really guilty and bad. It's got to a point where I don't tell him how I'm feeling and just stay quiet. If he asks my why I'm quiet, I say I'm just tired and relaxing. He comes back with "oh tired again"

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Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 09:01

If I do ask for a drink it's "you know where the kitchen it"
Or if I ask for a cuddle it's "hang I'm I'm on my game"

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MarianneSolong · 05/12/2014 09:01

Could the two of you go to ante natal classes together? Perhaps he could read up a bit more about pregnancy and/or watch a DVD about what happens. It may be that he really doesn't know a lot about pregnancy and birth. Or babies.

If he's somebody who likes a lot of quiet, it's going to be pretty difficult for him to cope with a crying newborn.

There are huge upheavals ahead. It may be that he feels quite ambivalent about this, and would like things to stay pretty much the same.

CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 09:02

Then he has an attitudinal problem. Arrogance and ignorance and some very old-fashioned ideas about women. God help you when the baby arrives if this is how he is acting now. Have you been together long? Was the baby planned? What is his family like and how do the women in it behave?

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 09:06

We've been together about a year and half and yes the baby was planned. His family are all lovely people, Iv met his dad a few times but never spoke to him as he's not a "people person". He's never really had much of a relationship with his dad. We live with his mum at the moment and she's always asking if I'm okay and if I want anything so Iv got a lot of support of her. And my own mum.

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CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 09:08

And what does his Mum think of his attitude? Does she pull him up on it or does she shrug her shoulders, say 'men are like that' and let him get away with it as well?

Only1scoop · 05/12/2014 09:09

'Hang on I'm on my game'

Wow he really needs to grow up and smell the coffee....will you be living with his family when baby arrived or is it just temporary?

fairypond · 05/12/2014 09:11

Has he always lived at home, OP? He sounds very immature.

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 09:12

She doesn't really say much. She likes to keep out of it because if she said something to him, he will shout at her and talk down to her. There always arguing.

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Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 09:12

Yes he has always lived at home and he likes to think he runs the house as he is the only man.

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Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 09:14

Only1scoop we're planning on getting our own place but he isn't keen on the idea just yet. He wants to wait until baby is here and we are settled.

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Only1scoop · 05/12/2014 09:15

And how do you feel about that? Are you both quite young? I hope you don't mind me asking.

CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 09:17

Oh dear...... A man that is treats his mother like shit and expects her to shut up or be shouted at is NOT good partner material. Sorry to break it to you.

Here's the prognosis. If you don't make a massive stink at this stage, pregnancy, babies and domestic stuff generally are all going to be down to you because... newsflash.... you are going to be expected to be a carbon copy of his docile and downtrodden mother.

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