Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Don't tell me to chill out!

(105 Posts)
Hotsausages Fri 05-Dec-14 07:54:18

My OH is really starting to get on my nerves telling me to chill out! I'm 17+5 weeks and had a fairly good pregnancy so far. Although I am finding it hard to get comfy at night. I told me partner about this and his response was "you need to just chill". Also when I tell him I have cramps he says the same thing! I had a small bleed last week and he rushed out of worked to come to the hospital with me, when we found out everything was fine he said "you need to chill" I got very mad and said "it's not that bloody easy to just chill" his response then was "yes it is easy just relax"! Don't think he has quite come to terms with the fact I'm growing another little human inside me!! AIBU to be upset about this? ALSO!! He said when I'm in labour I have to be as quiet as possible and relaxed so I don't annoy him! angry

Anniegetyourgun Fri 05-Dec-14 07:58:03

He said what?

Presumably they don't have real women on his planet confused

Joysmum Fri 05-Dec-14 08:11:01

My response would be...'and YOU need to stop minimising my feelings and be more supportive'.

LittleRedRidingHoodie Fri 05-Dec-14 08:14:12

You need to be thinking about who you would like as a supportive birth partner. He may not be it.

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 08:14:17

With respect, you do seem rather wound up and anxious. Pregnancy can be uncomfortable with various crises along the way but there are a lot of exclamation marks! in your post and, if that's how you're feeling and behaving IRL, I think his advice is probably coming from a place of genuine concern. Whether you're being unreasonable, I can't tell, but what is it you actually want him to do and say? Do you want him to be as upset as you are?

Hotsausages Fri 05-Dec-14 08:20:27

I would just like him to understand every first time mummy worries through out her pregnancy and it's natural. It upsets me more that he just thinks I exaggerate about how I feel and I'm "putting on" feel a bit tired and drained sometimes, that's why he says chill. A hug and a kiss and a "everything will be fine" would be highly appreciated. Although he is not an emotional man and Iv always known this so maybe I am just being hormonal about the situation. sad

turbonerd Fri 05-Dec-14 08:29:17

I don't understand why he thinks it's ok to ask you not to annoy him during the birth.
The deal should be that during birth you tie a rope around his willy and yank freely during the contractions. Then ask him to please be quiet as you need to concentrate and he had better not annoy you.
Oh, and if he complains that it hurts, just tell him that he is over-reacting.

I just find his attitude unhelpful. Sorry, op. I don't think it's about being emotional, it is about being supportive. See if you can have a talk about it.

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 08:36:51

Have you told him what it is you want him to say and how you want him to react? Have you told him you need comfort rather than instructions? Does he know other expecting or new Dads? Has he been to any medical appointments? Ante natal classes? I'm not advocating spoon-feeding someone but if he is not generally a person who is in tune with other people's feelings or comfortable in a caring role, he's probably going to need something more specific than simply expect him to automatically know what to do in any given situation. He may not be flapping about or saying the right things but I note he did 'rush' from work when there was the bleed. I wouldn't dismiss him as not caring. This sounds like new territory for all concerned.

BTW As someone who suffered with high blood pressure during pregnancy, the advice to 'relax' came from all the medical professionals I met.

Hotsausages Fri 05-Dec-14 08:47:27

Turbonerd I'll keep that idea in mind thank you wink

Cogit I have explained I don't appreciate him telling me to chill out and would like him to support me a bit more. Iv explained I'm obviously going to worry a few times as everything is new to me. A few of his friends are fathers but I don't think he really speaks about the pregnancy with them, more about football and the new ps4 console. I know that when it comes to labour he will e flapping about as much as me, maybe he still hasn't come to terms with the fact I'm actually pregnant yet? Iv asked him to read up on pregnancy and how to support me but he refuses.

RudePepper Fri 05-Dec-14 08:50:20

He said when I'm in labour I have to be as quiet as possible and relaxed so I don't annoy him! He said what?! I am speechless. I'm afraid I agree with a rope round his willy or a large melon up his bottom to help him fully empathise with the birth process.

Hotsausages Fri 05-Dec-14 08:51:01

He came to the 12 week scan with me, and to the hospital with the bleed, he would come to the smaller appointments but he's really busy at work. which I fully appreciate all this and know he will always care and be there for me. I would just like to be able to talk about my worries with him rather than just being told to "chill"

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 08:53:30

Do you say what the support looks like? Do you say 'I need a hug/cup of tea/foot-rub/early night'... or whatever?

What I'm driving at is that some people are naturally caring and in tune with their partner. They don't need to be told that someone is tired or feeling sick, they twig on really quickly and can come up with something helpful. Some people are over-caring and make a massive fuss where it's not required.... they can be irritating. Some people want to care but have no clue what to do for the best. So they default to what would help them if they were in the same situation. Your partner can't be pregnant but if all he's getting from you is 'ANXIETY' and his response to anxiety is to chill out... that's what you'll get.

Now there's a chance he could simply be an unfeeling, uncaring bastard without a sensitive bone in his body. He may think pregnancy is a piece of piss, women make a big deal out of nothing and it's not an illness so why can't you get on with it. If he's one of those people you genuinely have a problem.

fairypond Fri 05-Dec-14 08:58:51

OP, think of the future, he will tell the baby to "chill", and it might work.

I can guarantee you that he will not tell you to be quiet and not annoy him when you are in labour. He just hasn't got it yet. He does sound nice and calm though.

Hotsausages Fri 05-Dec-14 08:58:55

He does think it's a piece of piss. He said "labour can't be bad as having a cyst cut out".... And he says "it's not possible for you to be tired this much" he does do small things for me like cook tea if I'm not feeling up to it, but then moans that he's had to work all day then come home and cook. That makes me feel really guilty and bad. It's got to a point where I don't tell him how I'm feeling and just stay quiet. If he asks my why I'm quiet, I say I'm just tired and relaxing. He comes back with "oh tired again"

Hotsausages Fri 05-Dec-14 09:01:01

If I do ask for a drink it's "you know where the kitchen it"
Or if I ask for a cuddle it's "hang I'm I'm on my game"

MarianneSolong Fri 05-Dec-14 09:01:32

Could the two of you go to ante natal classes together? Perhaps he could read up a bit more about pregnancy and/or watch a DVD about what happens. It may be that he really doesn't know a lot about pregnancy and birth. Or babies.

If he's somebody who likes a lot of quiet, it's going to be pretty difficult for him to cope with a crying newborn.

There are huge upheavals ahead. It may be that he feels quite ambivalent about this, and would like things to stay pretty much the same.

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 09:02:35

Then he has an attitudinal problem. Arrogance and ignorance and some very old-fashioned ideas about women. God help you when the baby arrives if this is how he is acting now. Have you been together long? Was the baby planned? What is his family like and how do the women in it behave?

Hotsausages Fri 05-Dec-14 09:06:36

We've been together about a year and half and yes the baby was planned. His family are all lovely people, Iv met his dad a few times but never spoke to him as he's not a "people person". He's never really had much of a relationship with his dad. We live with his mum at the moment and she's always asking if I'm okay and if I want anything so Iv got a lot of support of her. And my own mum.

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 09:08:23

And what does his Mum think of his attitude? Does she pull him up on it or does she shrug her shoulders, say 'men are like that' and let him get away with it as well?

Only1scoop Fri 05-Dec-14 09:09:37

'Hang on I'm on my game'

Wow he really needs to grow up and smell the coffee....will you be living with his family when baby arrived or is it just temporary?

fairypond Fri 05-Dec-14 09:11:46

Has he always lived at home, OP? He sounds very immature.

Hotsausages Fri 05-Dec-14 09:12:15

She doesn't really say much. She likes to keep out of it because if she said something to him, he will shout at her and talk down to her. There always arguing.

Hotsausages Fri 05-Dec-14 09:12:57

Yes he has always lived at home and he likes to think he runs the house as he is the only man.

Hotsausages Fri 05-Dec-14 09:14:03

Only1scoop we're planning on getting our own place but he isn't keen on the idea just yet. He wants to wait until baby is here and we are settled.

Only1scoop Fri 05-Dec-14 09:15:48

And how do you feel about that? Are you both quite young? I hope you don't mind me asking.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now