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To be sat on the sofa crying again because MIL is a cunt and DH is a spineless little mummy's boy.(723 Posts)
MNHQ have commented on this thread.
Sorry long but it doesn't make sense otherwise and I don't want to drip feed.
MIL has spent the last 7 years bullying and belittling me at every opportunity and can be really spiteful.
MIL decided she would take DD to visit a different Father Christmas this year, one of the expensive ones that has a petting farm with reindeer, DD loved the reindeer and said he wasn't a bad Father Christmas as it goes but his grotto wasn't as good as the 'real one' I usually take DD to at the church fair, where FC knows DD's name and asks how her dog is etc (and is my Dad). MIL 'oh for goodness sake you're 6 any normal child your age knows the truth by now, that grubby church hall your mum takes you to isn't real either, there's no such thing as Father Christmas and Christmas is just a made up load of commercial rubbish celebrating the birth of an imaginary baby.' DD is really upset and doesn't even want her advent calendar because she says there's nothing to look forward to now, I know DD was likely to find out the truth about Father Christmas soon and fully expected this to be the last year she really believed in him but I'm furious that MIL would be so spiteful as to tell her like that or imply there was something wrong with her for not knowing and can't even describe how angry I am about the rest of it, I'm Catholic.
MIL then came round yesterday with a huge shopping bag of sweets for DD and none for DS as hes not DH's biological son I told DD to pick 1 for her and 1 for DS and I'd put the rest away for later, MIL starts on about me being mean and ridiculous, part of childhood is eating sweets til you feel sick I mentioned to MIL how upset DD is and MIL started screaming in my face and calling me stupid, DS tried to stick up for me but DH didn't say a word, then this morning MILs just text saying shes picking DD up from school at 3.15, I've said not today, she sent back 'it wasn't a question'. as it happens DD has a school play this afternoon so I will already be at the school (MIL was invited before the argument but school plays are boring) So DH and I have started the day on an argument because I asked him to have a word with his mum and he told me to stop winding her up.
AIBU to think its not I'm winding her up, she's just a cunt and that if DH loved me or had any respect for me he'd step in occasionally, I don't want him to go NC or anything but the odd 'Mum, that's enough' would be nice, I wouldn't let my parents treat him like this and its making me question if i want to be with him anymore.
What an absolute twat! I wouldn't let my children near her and would be telling my husband he either mans up and sorts her out or leaves.
Shocked re the santa thing. Shes 6 and its xmas time. Your poor dd. also your poor ds re the sweets. Why would anyone eat so much until they are sick unless they are roman. hugs op. Hope dh steps up here
God she sounds utterly awful "it wasn't a question" . Does she have a lot of control over your dd? It sounds like she thinks she can waltz in and out of your house and do as she pleases?
You've summed it up perfectly. Your DH is the problem. How old is DD? If anyone had said anything like that to my kids when thy still believed Id have been furious.
You need words with DH telling him to support you or bog off basically. You not winding her up she's an evoke vindictive woman. How does he feel about her not treating DS the same?
And anyone who got in my face screaming would have been shown the door and told never to come back.
In response to the text. Just reply. "You don't tell me what you are doing with my daughter. I tell you! And you are NOT collecting DD today as you upset her so much last time I am not allowing you to see for her a few weeks. Please rmember I'm her mother not you."
I think you should let school know you don't want her picking your dd up, just in case.
But be prepared for more shit.
You need to phone the school and tell them under no circumstances are they to release your daughter to your mother in law for a start. Ever. Or at least until you personally tell them otherwise.
You need to trim her horns a bit.
I don't blame you for questioning your husband. I am sure that each incident makes you respect him that little bit less and that will eventually kill your love and then your marriage. He needs to understand where his choices are leading him. If he still makes those choices, you know everything you need to about how he feels and where he stands.
What reason does he give for not objecting to her repeatedly shitting all over you? Does he even see anything wrong with her behaviour or does he (as the 'stop winding her up' comment suggests) see you as the bad guy?
Wow, you couldn't have summed them up more precisely in the OP. Does your DH regularly undermine you like that? And how old is DS? Old enough to recognise her poison for what it is I hope.
Tell your husband he steps up or gets out.
If your MIL ever screams at you again throw her out of the house. Just keep saying no to her and don't worry if you upset her, she doesn't worry about upsetting you does she?
Awful woman!! Shocked at your DH too - your DS shouldn't have to worry about defending his mum but sadly has more sense than his SF. Tell your DDs school that she is not, without your express permission, to collect her from the school.
And re. the santa thing, it's only now, at 8, that my dd has started to question it, so your dd had plenty more time believing IMO. Any chance of telling your dd that MIL has her beliefs but that doesn't mean they are right?
I would be furious!
First thing Id do is text back to her 'it wasn't a question' text saying 'exactly, you don't tell me what your doing with my child-you ask! And the answer is no, you may not pick her up tonight or any other night. She's still upset about you spoilingn the father Christmas thing for her and I'm also more than a bit sick of the way you are keep speaking to and belittling me. I think it's about time we sat and discussed some ground rules as it's blatantly obvious you don't respect me or my role as XX's mother and until you change your behaviour you won't be having her alone'.
I'd then tell dh he either grows a backbone and backs me up or packs a bag and goes.
But then I am a bit confrontational now since learning that being nice gets me nowhere.
she did have a lot of control when DH was the stay at home parent, I'm trying to stamp it out but the swap in roles is recent.
You need to get to a place where you just really don't care what she says to you. That way you can just be blunt without worrying about what she'll say back. Once you realise 'I just simply don't care about you' it is a real revelation.
Your H sounds like a total prick though. Does he honestly think that the Father Christmas thing is ok?? I would really struggle to live with someone who had such little respect for you and his children.
I would also want to remove this toxic influence (mil) from your children's lives. He can talk to her - why do you have to? You married him, not her.
I found being assertive with my MIL helped loads. Both DH and I are now NC with her due to her disgraceful behaviour but in the months leading up to it I really started to stand up to her. What's the worst that can happen? You upset her? Who gives a shit?
Your DH is the real problem obviously, but if he refuses to stand up for you then you will have to do it yourself.
I'm sorry your MIL is like this; it's not normal behaviour and must wear you down so much.
I think you must tackle the problem by speaking to your DH. His number one responsibility is to you now, not to mummy. He is there to protect you. Have a frank discussion about how distressing her behaviour is and how it is damaging yours & DHs relationship (her intention maybe).
Meanwhile I would not engage with MIL where poss. If engagement is necessary then work on being assertive a la - don't dress your answers up. Eg if you're going to say no, no on its own is enough. Forget things like sorry, unfortunately, etc. If she is rude maybe say "you're being rude and I'm ending this conversation now until you can behave like an adult." Or simply "I don't want to speak to you" if she says nasty things.
She seems very angry and is dumping it on you. Don't become involved emotionally with this person where you can as you will end up feeling worse. On the other hand show your DH all the emotion when you explain how upset you are.
Tell the school to not release dd to her care.
Tell your DH that you've been pushed too far, he can see his mother, but you won't again, she's not welcome in your home and as she's a bad influence on your dd and deliberately upsets her, you aren't going to let dd see mil until she's old enough to cope with the horrible behaviour - probably that will mean not ever.
He is the problem, don't back down.
What an utter bitch!
I think you have to come to terms with the fact that your Dh isn't going to change and deal with this yourself.
Your MIL is behaving this way because she's been allowed to. Don't wait for your Dh to step up, he won't. You need to.
As Vitalstatistix said very succinctly: I am sure that each incident makes you respect him that little bit less and that will eventually kill your love and then your marriage.
Is this marriage salvageable? Why isn't he protecting you and defending his family? You've put up with this shit for, what was it, 7 years? How much of your life are you going to sacrifice to battles and misery?
It wasn't a question?
God that would have seen me spitting tacks.
Absolutely tell the school, she has no rights to collect her and it will be hilarious and embarrassing when she tries to.
You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. I agree that your DH is a major problem here - if he sees it as you winding your mother in law up then his perspective is frighteningly warped. I agree with the others, speak to the school about not releasing DD to her care. I think I'd be issuing some ultimatums to DH about now...
DD is 6, DS 10, DH cant see whats wrong with MIL's behaviour.
DS thankfully couldn't care less about MIL's gifts because he cant stand her and FIL spoils him rotten to make up for it (MIL and FIL are divorced)
Normally I read MIL threads and think "mountain out of a molehill" but on this one you are spot on and your DH needs to grow up.
I agree with others about telling school that under no circumstances is your MIL to be allowed to pick her up.
Horrible,nasty, vindictive and poisonous person. Utterly vile to ruin a child's Christmas magic out of spite like that. And obvious favouritism? Not on. I'm always amazed at how many truly bitter and twisted people there are in the world.
You are under no obligation to let her anywhere near you or your children.
Your 'D'H needs to man up.
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