Need someone to talk to please before I do and say stupid things

[MissM]

My marriage hasn't been good for a long time. My husband treats me as if I barely exist, then expects me to have sex with him because that's how he's feeling. I told him this evening that it doesn't work like that, that I'm not an object but a human being who needs to be spoken to and shown some affection in everyday life, not just when we're in bed. He reps;ended by telling me that I treat him like 'shit', and that even my mother says so - apparently they talked about it at the weekend.

I'm hurt and angry. I want to email my mum right now and tell her how upset I am that instead of talking to me and supporting me in a bad marriage she talks to him and takes his side. I have no relationship with his parents as they don't speak much English, and when we're there he doesn't even bother to translate what they're talking about when I'm in the same room. He treats me with very little respect or dignity.

I'm on the verge of emailing my mum to tell her how angry I am with her. She's very vulnerable and sensitive and I know it would upset her deeply, so I need someone to hold my hand please and help me get some perspective.

[MumsyFoxy]

Wait, don't email your mum, talk to her tomorrow and ask her if it's true. He might have embellished or exaggerated what she said and using it to make you doubt yourself.
From what you say he seems clueless about how to treat a woman. Sexism is deeply rooted and I'm not sure a man with mysogynistic views can change.

[BOFster]

Honestly, don't bother. You don't need to flag up to her that this crap is at all relevant to your feelings. Focus on dealing with your insensitive dick of a husband, even if that means making plans to LTB.

[kittybiscuits]

Yes sleep on it before approaching your Mum OP. It sounds like a horrible way to live.

[Drumdrum60]

Hand hold. Take a moment to breathe deeply. It will all feel differently tomorrow so keep in control. Who is this about mum or Dh or I feel general lack of support from either. Wait until you're calm and make a plan to make yourself heard.

[dirtybadger]

Bear in mind he may be lying, or exaggerating. Or he may have been speaking about you whilst she sat silent- and he's interpreted that as agreement (if she's vulnerable perhaps she didn't feel able to defend you?). Basically give her the benefit of the doubt until you are able to speak in person (over the weekend?).

[MissM]

Thank you, having a cry now. I know I mustn't send the email. I look at my life and think about how incredibly lucky and happy I am - apart from the fact that my husband doesn't seem to be interested in having anything much to do with me. We have two utterly gorgeous and happy little kids, and all I can think about at the moment is how we're modelling a completely crappy marriage to them as if it's normal. How do I move forward now?

[nicenewdusters]

Yes, definitely no email tonight, you only have his side of the story. Is this something your mother is likely to have said ?

[MissM]

Dirtybadger I hadn't thought of it like that. My mum is quite old school in many ways (she's 74), and has a 'we women have to put up with it'-type attitude. So I've always found it very difficult to articulate how I feel to her as I don't think she'll tell me what I really need to hear.

I'm not perfect, I know that I'm responsible for the difficulties in this marriage as well. But this makes me miserable.

[MissM]

She wouldn't have said I treated him 'like shit', but she may have commented that I didn't speak to him very nicely (which I don't, sometimes, because I don't feel very nicely treated).

[dirtybadger]

He is your problem, not your mum...although do consider that perhaps your mum accepting your situation (or, hypothetically accepting it) may be part of the reason you have come to accept it. And your children may one day come to accept it.

[HumblePieMonster]

He is indeed your problem. What can you do about him?

[sparklecrates]

yeah.. Don't believe the mum thing its bollocks I bet he was whining away, she switched off and he took her rolling eyes and diversion tactics as 'agreement' .. either that or he is trying to cause a suspicion gap between you and your mother. sounds all wrong to me .. Don't bite be calm and work out his twatty game first

[Notmeagain1]

Just hand holding as no real advice other than dont send the email to your mom.

You seem very unhappy and I think you are undervalued by your h. You need to seriously decide if this is the way you want to continue to live in such an unhealthy relationship.

I sincerely hope you are able to think and make a decision that is the best for YOU, because if you're happy, your lo will be happy because mom is. xx

[MissM]

Thank you all, had to go to sleep! I've never had flowers on here before Just got to work out how to move forward now - I can't go on with this total lack of communication.

[CogitOIOIO]

Definitely don't take anything this man says on face value. He clearly has no respect for you whatsoever and if he plucked this out of the air just to make you more upset, don't be surprised. When it comes to the crunch, mothers are for life and husbands are disposable.

[MissM]

Well I asked my mum and she thinks it was down to a conversation they had about me not being very easy to live with. She says she can't remember exactly what she said but that it wasn't what he said it was. So I've had a bit of a row with her about giving him ammunition rather than being positive about me and now I feel pretty shit. Have rung a counsellor and made an appointment with Relate for next week. Thank you for the support and the hand holding.

[CogitOIOIO]

Please apologise to your mother. Does she know how he treats you? Doubt it. And are you going to Relate solo or are you expecting this lying shit of a bully to accept that he needs to make any changes?

[Isetan]

I don't get it, why are you more angry with something that your mum 'supposedly' said, rather than the contempt that your H actually displays? Relate won't make your H nicer but it would give the spineless git an opportunity to bad mouth you to another in front of your face.

You should start with counselling just for you because your H isn't the reason you take his shit.