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URGENT - could someone please post that fantastic list of what to do when leaving an abusive relationship

(10 Posts)
RubbishTiming Thu 04-Dec-14 23:40:27

Please can someone urgently help? A friend is in the most horrible situation at the moment, with the most horrible abusive man. It's escalating as she's preparing to leave - police were called this evening. I remember on here that there is a brilliant cribsheet of all the things to consider when leaving such a relationship. Does anyone have it to hand please, or can they point me to where it is so that I can pass it on to her?

Thank you so much in advance thanks

happygirl87 Thu 04-Dec-14 23:46:22

Haven't seen it, but bumping for you

RubbishTiming Fri 05-Dec-14 00:00:04

Thanks Happygirl smile

OhLittleBoreOfWhabylon Fri 05-Dec-14 00:11:22

I think it might be Olgaga's checklist you are looking for?

You can find it on this thread

I won't C&P as I don't the links in her advice will work if I do.

RubbishTiming Fri 05-Dec-14 00:27:18

That's the one - thank you so much LittleBore smile thanks

OhLittleBoreOfWhabylon Fri 05-Dec-14 00:29:41

I do hope it helps your friend. At least she has you in her corner.

Lulu3108 Fri 05-Dec-14 00:30:11


The best thing as a friend you can do is advice which is what you are doing. Secondly understand and not turning your back if she ever decides to change her mind. Abuse is horrible but mentally very complex for both victims and the abusers.

Firstly, if your friend HAS kids, please make her aware that if police, NHS, domestic violence organisations or the school is involved there is a chance confidentiality is broken as protocol and social services will be notified.

Depending on the level of risk and/of allegations involved they may be placed on a risk register.

As I said before, abuse is very complexed often women leave and sometimes return to their partners (statistics show 7 times on average by womans aid). If that is the case and your friends children are on the risk register she may risk custody of her children.

I am not scaremongering, I am educating you on the system. Please bear that in mind.

Below is a list -

1) Plan an escape

*Keep a diary of the abuse (or you as a friend record it for her)

*Keep spare change for emergency savings

*photographs of any injuries

*Contact womans aid and arrange refuge space. If he works arrange a time to leave when he will be out. Bear in mind its easier in the daytime however they can book refuge space for 24 hours notice.

* Pack Passports/any documentation as much as possible, clothing etc


2 Fleeing DV

* Deactivate any social media (Locations can be logged
* Do not use any bank accounts as the statements will log the location, ideally withdraw cash before.
* do not use smartphones as they can track locations some perp track cars too.

*change numbers and be careful who you contact do not tell anyone where you are

*use any evidence such as a diary, or photographs should a custody battle proceed

*the police can always go to the address after you have left to get your belongings if he has for example your passports or you were not able to get what you needed.

The refuge have staff that will set uo benefits, you can set up a new bank account, they will also help you change your name by deedpoll (some people are traced), etc.


Lulu3108 Fri 05-Dec-14 00:35:06

I was in a refuge myself. A high support one. Many woman had to change their names and national insurance numbers due to severe risk. I dont know the circumstances so i covered all bases. The refuge will explain about smart phones etc they will help with permanent housing, assist with legal and police situations.

Notmeagain1 Fri 05-Dec-14 03:02:01

You are a very good friend. She really needs you now. Pass along all of the above advice and be there to handhold and have a strong shoulder for her to cry on and a stronger ear to listen to her vents.
wine for you and flowers for your friend. Good luck to her and I hope she stays safe and any children do as well. x

RubbishTiming Fri 05-Dec-14 14:16:47

Some brilliant advice, thank you so much. xxx

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