Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Xmas gift debate

(15 Posts)
LittleMissRayofHope Thu 04-Dec-14 22:07:14

My friend has a fella - I don't like him and I don't hide this from her but don't rub it in either. He's manipulative, condescending, childish, immature, emotionally abusive, plain rude, huge ego, ridicules and puts her down constantly, unsupportive. Whatever is happening in her life gets twisted to be about him. Just a crap person, shitty boyfriend.

He got a incentive/incremental bonus at work. Gift voucher for a certain store. He's giving her this voucher as her xmas gift.
She meanwhile is almost broke, upto her eyes in debt - which he is unsupportive of (emotionally speaking) and yet has 'had' to spend actual money on him for xmas to quite a large amount for it to be a 'real present'.

I think this wrong and unfair. I think he's being cheap. Am I wrong to think this way?
Genuinely asking as often I feel negative towards him and wonder if I'm predisposed that way now. I know a gift is a gift but does anyone agree? Would you be annoyed/upset/put out if this was you?

Joysmum Thu 04-Dec-14 22:10:43

You can think what you want, it's nothing to do with you.

I personally don't see any point in spending out gif ghe sake of it.

Joysmum Thu 04-Dec-14 22:11:23

Ffs, sorry about the fat fingers

grumpyoldgitagain Thu 04-Dec-14 22:11:34

Yes it is wrong, sure he could give her that as well but he should have bought her something, although if he is as much of a twat as he sounds then she needs to send him on his way

Wheelerdeeler Thu 04-Dec-14 22:13:56

She can't be that broke if she's able to spend quite a large amount of money on a gift.

CogitOIOIO Thu 04-Dec-14 22:17:41

It's usually a bad idea for people in debt to buy lavish gifts but your friend sounds as though she's desperate for this man's affection and has lost touch with what is reasonable behaviour all round.

LittleMissRayofHope Thu 04-Dec-14 23:06:56

She has completely lost touch.
Is complaining constantly about having to cut back on family gifts.
IE: reduced niece/nephew gifts to under £10.
Value doesn't matter to me, a kid will love something that cost £5 or £50.

Part of the reason she's always broke is this 'keeping up' with him.
He earns considerably more. something she (and everyone who will listen) is constantly reminded of. They have been together a while, share a dog etc, yet he is very insistent on50/50 but a this income level not hers.
Just wanted some opinions as I think he's acting like a prick and she's running around saying how great he is. He is also giving said card so they can go together and choose stuff - for her- together

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 07:31:27

Of course he's acting like a prick but if your friend has low self-esteem she may think he's the best she can do... or even that she's punching above her weight. Happens all the time and I expect the aspects you're seeing in public are just the tip of the iceberg. If he puts her down when others are watching, imagine how he feels entitled to behave when no one's around.

I'd suggest that you keep up your friendship on a one-on-one basis only and don't engage with him at all. Meet her for drinks but only if he stays home. If his antics come up in conversation you are entitled to say 'that's all wrong' ... but she's entitled to not listen.

isseywithcats Fri 05-Dec-14 15:15:03

financially i am similar to your friend not that my guy is as horrid as he sounds but massive difference between us in what he earns and my part time earnings, but when i said the other day that i felt a bit guilty that my present to him will be a cheap present and i didnt know what to get him ( he just spent £230 on a coffee machine for himself) do you know what he said you naked with a smile on your face on christmas day will be a good present that is the difference between a good guy and an idiot hopefully your friend will wake up and smell the roses soon and realise that money does not buy happiness

LittleMissRayofHope Fri 05-Dec-14 16:38:41

I know how he treats her behind closed doors as she tells me. The things he says to her disgust me. He isn't welcome in my home for those reasons. And I'm aware that if she tells me 'abc' she is probably keeping the far worse 'xyz' to herself. I do worry for her.
But this thread was started because we were discussing this 'gift' and I said I thought he was cheap and I would be put out and that he is selfish by belittling her into spending so much on him and she sort of blew up. She had a rant in a defending him way and insisted I was wrong and was saying it as I just don't like him. Accused me of trying to manipulate her.

I apologised and stated I wasn't and we dropped it. There doesn't seem to be any bad blood between us either.
I was curious as to whether I really did see it wrong. I feel she is ashamed of how he treats her yet she publicises it....
I won't keep my thoughts to myself but I do usually tred carefully so as not to alienate her as he's clearly abusive and I want to keep her safe.

CogitOIOIO Fri 05-Dec-14 16:56:13

If you know someone is an arse it tends to colour your opinion of everything they do negatively. If this was a nice man passing on a gift voucher you'd probably think it was a nice gesture. He's not a nice man so it sounds like another example of his emotionally abusive double standards.

Jan45 Fri 05-Dec-14 16:58:43

I'd give up if I was you, your friend knows you dislike him very much, he will too, their relationship is theirs, what you think of it I think you should keep to yourself, be very careful, you don't want to lose your friend, respect her choices, even if you feverishly disagree.

CheersMedea Fri 05-Dec-14 17:19:40

I think it also depends what the gift voucher is for and the amount - £10 for Lidl isn't the same as £1000 at Harrods.

If it is a sizeable voucher, then if it was his bonus, it's like he's giving her that amount of money to spend on herself. The fact he got it from work for him is neither here nor there.

The place of the voucher also matters. If it's for B&Q and she loves DIY, then great. If it's for a place, she'd never shop then not so much.

I don't think it really matters.

Your question is really:

"I think this man is an arse. Am I therefore justified in criticizing his Christmas gift?"

It doesn't matter. You think he's an arse.

LittleMissRayofHope Fri 05-Dec-14 18:47:01

I was a little afraid of that. Your probably right. I don't like the bloke so he can't do right by me.

It was a John Lewis voucher for £100. He got 2. One £100, one £250.

I don't often offer up my opinions to her, she regularly asks and runs this that the other past me. We've been friends forever.

Thanks for opinions and perspective.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh Fri 05-Dec-14 21:02:55

E sounds like a total dick but it's her life and her choice. Sadly.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: