My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

"Shout at you?? I'll talk how I want and you can take it how you want!"

49 replies

TooSensitive · 04/12/2014 20:27

Husband has just aggressively shouted this at me.

He was having a shower and couldn't find his towel. He thought I had given it to my dd but it was scrunched up on a piece of furniture in the bathroom. In the process of working this out he used his shouty voice that I can't stand but that admittedly must be completely normal to him as he is on a short fuse.

I then told him not to shout at me and he responded with the above (title of thread).

Just wondering what you make of it. Am I over sensitive? I felt very upset.

OP posts:
Report
TooSensitive · 04/12/2014 20:30

And left the room slamming the door. Surely the onus is on the speaker to be aware of how they come across sometimes and to try to accommodate others' sensitivities?

When I say he shouted aggressively - he would not view it in this way. Definitely wasn't kind however.

OP posts:
Report
Busybusybust · 04/12/2014 20:30

He's a twat. How dare he treat you like a servant! There is something very wrong here.

Report
TooSensitive · 04/12/2014 20:32

He asked me about his towel because I had just been in the bathroom with dd helping her get out of the bath etc...

OP posts:
Report
BlackDaisies · 04/12/2014 20:39

That sounds horrible. You're not being oversensitive. How often is he like that?

Report
AdoraBell · 04/12/2014 20:40

I would take it as the end of the relationship if I were in your position.

You say he is on a short fuse. Does that mean that he is frequently aggressive and you just have to put up with it? If so, what is that teaching your DD about adult behaviour and relationships?

You don't need to put up with his attitude or him shouting.

Report
JeanSeberg · 04/12/2014 20:41

Is this a new development?

Report
girliefriend · 04/12/2014 20:43

I would tell him to fuck right off tbh.

No he can't talk to you how he wants, who the hell does he think he is Angry

Report
NC81114 · 04/12/2014 20:45

Sometimes people shout but generally not over a towel. I don't think this is your fault somehow.

Report
TooSensitive · 04/12/2014 20:50

Thanks. He raises his voice / sounds scornful sometimes when he thinks he is right. I reacted because I knew I was right about the towel and because I didn't like the tone he was using. To me it was an angry voice (rather than actually shouting) which then carried on when he made his comment about speaking how he wants to. Being charitable Hmm, he probably doesn't realise how abrasive he can sound at times.

Aaargh why was I even around when he was looking for his damn towel!

OP posts:
Report
AnyFucker · 04/12/2014 20:50

If aggressively asked "where is my towel" the answer should be What did your last slave die of" while you carry on with what you are doing/make a cup o tea for yourself/finish reading your book/whatever

I really hope you didn't fetch his towel like a Good Little Woman

Report
AdoraBell · 04/12/2014 20:53

Basically he knows better and you need to be spoken to like any other dim/naughty child.

Unless I'm misinterpretating.

Report
TooSensitive · 04/12/2014 20:55

I went in to the bathroom to help as he was in the shower and couldn't find it. He didn't believe that the one that was there was the one he had got so I worry that he has dementia. I did then hand this to him. It was in the middle of the caffuffle over whether I had taken his and me saying "no - this is yours".

What a flaming waste of time this all is Sad. I just get really upset by his unkind tone Sad.

OP posts:
Report
AnyFucker · 04/12/2014 20:56

He has you well trained then Sad

Report
TooSensitive · 04/12/2014 20:56

He definitely has an imperious side to his personality adora.

OP posts:
Report
TooSensitive · 04/12/2014 20:58

Well it would have seemed very petty to not hand his towel over the metre it had to be handed over. Asking for help and rude tone happened unexpectedly and simultaneously.

OP posts:
Report
Joysmum · 04/12/2014 21:00

To me, it's not about how things are in the heat of the moment, it's more telling to see what happens after when people calm down and you tell them how you felt.

Report
Quitelikely · 04/12/2014 21:05

Oh fgs! Can't a marriage not withstand a grumpy man occasionally! Is it not ok every now and then?

Is anything other than perfect abuse Hmm

Report
TooSensitive · 04/12/2014 21:16

It's the fact that he is grumpy so often and that I feel his rudeness is often uncalled for. No one has said abuse (though I think there are EA elements to his personality).

OP posts:
Report
Quitelikely · 04/12/2014 21:18

Perhaps he is unhappy about something or tired?

Report
TooSensitive · 04/12/2014 21:20

There is no talking to him afterwards joysmum. He is very defensive so talking in this way is very difficult as be would be scornful all over again.

Anyway my response to his statement that he is going to talk how he wants and I can take it in the way I want to could be "yes I do take it very personally actually - sorry - have a divorce petition" Angry

OP posts:
Report
AllMimsyWereTheBorogoves · 04/12/2014 21:23

...and perhaps he doesn't see any need to treat his life partner with the respect he probably shows to his friends and to colleagues at work. Why should she have to put up with his grumpiness and rudeness?

OP, is he like this with everyone or just with you? How is he with your daughter?

Report
TooSensitive · 04/12/2014 21:24

He is generally unhappy with his work and always tired at the end of the day but I don't see why I have to get it in the neck. He manages to keep it in check as far as the dc are concerned (more or less).

Couldn't he just have said - "sorry, was I shouting? Didn't mean to." And pigs might fly!!

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

AllMimsyWereTheBorogoves · 04/12/2014 21:27

When I've had times like that I've done my level best not to take it out on those I live with. It's not their fault. On the odd occasion I am grumpy I feel terrible about it afterwards and apologise profusely. I don't understand people who can't apologise for upsetting someone they love. It's a sign of immense immaturity as far as I'm concerned.

Report
Joysmum · 04/12/2014 21:28

There is no talking to him afterwards joysmum. He is very defensive so talking in this way is very difficult as be would be scornful all over again

In which case id not stand for that. If either one of us aren't happy the other puts themself out to try to help.

I don't mind a bit of shouting, but we do sort things out after. We certainly don't ignore or put our feelings above those of the other.

When a couple don't have their best interests at heart there not a lot left.

Report
TooSensitive · 04/12/2014 21:28

He can be short tempered with people who work for him sometimes mimsy, but not over nothing like this...

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.