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Need pre-holiday advice

(9 Posts)
pebblewell Thu 04-Dec-14 15:06:56

DP and I have been together for 3 years. Ups and downs during that time, he has periods of being very depressed (he has had a lot of knocks, mostly before I met him) and I react badly to that. He is in counselling but it's slow progress.

We have 2 weeks away on holiday together, starting tomorrow. A big deal for us as we are long distance and normally get every other weekend together due to childcare.

But when we booked it - we were both crazy in love with each other, and Jan 2015 was meant to be when we got the ball rolling for us to move nearer to each other. We were both so excited. Since then he has got complete cold feet. He doesn't know what he wants, says he feels trapped in a corner about moving (and it would be him moving, due to my job). At the time when we booked the holiday we were looking at engagement rings, and we looked at houses together. In an argument a couple of months ago, he said he was going to propose to me on holiday, that that is why he wanted it to be perfect and had upgraded our flights etc, but that now he would forget it.

We are still together - he wants to take it slow so I have completely stopped mentioning anything to do with either of us moving. But inside I am really hurt. Past few nights I have just been crying as this holiday gets nearer - he wants to go and "have fun" but I am finding it really hard to feel fun and excited, because I am thinking about how we were and what this holiday should have been.

It feels like I need to turn off my real emotions and pretend to get through these 2 weeks. Part of me (a weak pathetic part) is thinking - maybe this holiday will be what he needs to go back to how he was before. I know starting a discussion will ruin the holiday. But for me it feels ruined anyway. Trouble is, I really love this man, but that is getting less as he gets further from the man he was.

I don't know what advice I expect - not going on holiday isn't an option. Just needed to tell someone.

Vivacia Thu 04-Dec-14 15:10:00

How would you feel if you just decided not to go on the holiday?

pebblewell Thu 04-Dec-14 15:20:04

Well it would mean the end of us completely, I know that much. Took loads of effort to get the childcare sorted, spent an arm and a leg on it, he is at his house packing and getting sorted as we speak and will be here at lunchtime tomorrow. My case is in the corner empty. I have been using it as a temporary shelf to put my paperwork on.

I know if we are going to have any chance of working then I need to put a positive face on. If I kick up a fuss that will be the end of us as well. But should I really have to be game playing to keep this man? But at the moment the thought of him coming here tomorrow makes me want to burst into tears. Bit pathetic sad

Vivacia Thu 04-Dec-14 15:34:27

I know if we are going to have any chance of working then I need to put a positive face on. If I kick up a fuss that will be the end of us as well.

Why? Why can't you just calmly tell him how you feel? Tell him you're apprehensive about the holiday?

CheersMedea Thu 04-Dec-14 15:34:34

>>>Took loads of effort to get the childcare sorted,

Who has children? You, him, both of you? How old are they?

I take it that you don't have children together?

Mammanat222 Thu 04-Dec-14 16:08:27

Well I guess the only option is to go on holiday and see how things are?

You've paid for it, planned it why shouldn't you enjoy it?

Be massively prepared for him to end things when you get back though!! He sounds like he has had a complete U-turn about your long term future!

JT05 Thu 04-Dec-14 16:09:14

Relationships that are going somewhere should not be like this.
Don't go, put the loss of the cost down to experience.

TheHermitCrab Thu 04-Dec-14 16:25:49

You have nothing to lose by going, 2 weeks close together to see how you really feel without the distance or children involved. the holiday may help you both decide how you really feel about each other.

+ you seem stressed. holiday may do you good! ;)

Take his advice, relax and have fun. Try to ignore the arguments and tension of the past and see if you can have some good quality time together.

Jackie0 Fri 05-Dec-14 08:26:13

Are you going somewhere that would be easy to get home from if it all goes wrong?
You don't want to be trapped.
I think your gut is telling you not to go.
Is his history of depression stopping you from being up front about how hurt you are?

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