Is he too wild for me or am I just boring?

[DoIknowitschristmas]

Been seeing a man for a couple of months. He is very sociable, loads of friends, goes out every night, drinks a lot, stays up half the night. Everyone seems to know him wherever he goes. He is a larger than life character. He is the complete opposite of my type if I had one.

I enjoy a good night out but I am the kind of person who hates attention and I am relatively clean-living these days.

I have started to think this is a non-starter. Can you really be compatible if you are so different?

It's not so much the difference in personality that is the issue (he is fun and kind and keen on me) but our lifestyles are so different. Even if I wanted his social life I am not at the stage in life where I could join him (I have young dc.)

When he talks about some of his antics, it is the lifestyle of a man 30 years younger and I find myself not approving.

I told him that I didn't think we were compatible and he said he wanted to cut down on his drinking and settle down a bit but I'm not sure if he means it,

Should I give him a chance and see how it goes or is this a non-starter?

[iwantgin]

I don't think you need to make a decision just yet.

He can still go out and do his own thing - you can stay home most of the time. But find time to go out together too.

If he has no DC he will have got used to going out with friends. It's lonely otherwise being at home alone.

He has said he wants to settle down a little - maybe he means it?

[SunnyBaudelaire]

do you think he might be an alcoholic? if so, run like the wind!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would walk away now before you get further invested. You and he do not sound at all compatible. He is not going to change.

[DoIknowitschristmas]

That's really lovely advice, thanks for that.

[DoIknowitschristmas]

Hmmm, the alcoholic bit I have wondered about.

[iwantgin]

What are your ages ?

[losthermind]

Does he take any illegal substances ?

[DoIknowitschristmas]

We are both ancient and old enough to know better (me 49, him 53!!!)

[Cabrinha]

Who is the "thanks for that" aimed at?

[Stoneysilence]

It depends - if you're happy to go with him sometimes, but leave him to it and go home to your children, then there's no reason not to keep going along as you are and see how things go.

Is his partying affecting your 'daytimes' together? Like, he's not up early enough to enjoy playtimes/days out/ normal days at home with you and your young family?

Further down the road, your children won't be tiny forever. Do you see yourself getting back into a heavy social calendar in years to come? Do you truly believe he's going to cut down?

You could be the perfect balance for each other - he encourages you to enjoy going out, and you give him stability and a home life to stay in for. Or you could just have lives that are too different to be workable. Time will tell!

[Granville72]

Couple of months is still early days isn't it?

Maybe review it in the New Year? I would say though at 53, if he hasn't settled down yet, then I hardly think he's going to now.

[iwantgin]

I think I agree with stoney

If he has got to 53 and never had to curb his social life - then he is still in the habit of living a more party lifestyle.

People do change - and when your DC are a little older you might find yourself wanting to get out and about a little too. I'm not talking all-night raves - but dinner and drinks once a week or whatever :)

But you know him better than we do.

[Vivacia]

Perhaps you're just incompatible, doesn't mean either is at fault.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

I wouldn't bother with a guy like this. I could never put up with his habits long term and at 53 he ain't changing is he?

[itwillgetbettersoon]

Although he is 53 if he has no commitments then why shouldn't he be out every night! I certainly would if I lived on my own - too boring sitting in on your own. He has developed a sociable life. I think you should just go with it. Far too early to be making long term decisions. It will soon become clear if he isn't interested when he can't find time for you. Just enjoy some fun for now - as a single parent you deserve it.

[OhGood]

Nice to be sociable, but you make him sound a bit shallow. What's the context? What does he have in the rest of his life? Hobbies, interests, passions? How does he relate to the rest of his family? What are his plans for the future? Or is he all about the partying?

If you think he has problems with alcohol, that's a big worry. Also, I agree with Ehric a bit - leopard/spots.

[Jan45]

Give it a chance before you write him off, so what, he's popular and sociable, hardly bad traits, yes, his drinking is too much but he even acknowledges that himself and wants to settle down more, nobody is perfect and you wont ever find the perfect partner, we all have flaws and bad habits of some kind.

Far too soon to decide how it will pan out, people do change, especially if it means staying with a person they are in love with.

[CheersMedea]

He is very sociable, loads of friends, goes out every night, drinks a lot, stays up half the night.


Who is he out with? Work buddies? Social buddies? Kids parents?

I think the context matters and things do change.

When I first met my DH he used to go to the pub a lot more after work because his colleagues were younger and wanted to go out drinking. His work group changed and now they are all rushing off home to be with wife and kids.

Sounds to me like you are over-worrying. I'd chill out and if you like him, just see where it goes.

[LegoAdventCalendar]

Sounds like an alcoholic. I'd run for the hills. Very social=old soak/barfly.

[CogitOIOIO]

I'd also cut your losses. If you already disapprove of his lifestyle and it's only early days then you're really not going to feel warm and fuzzy a few months down the track. Drunks are usually pretty boring.... that's why they drink.

[SweetsForMySweet]

Does he work? How can he go out getting drunk and staying out late every night and hold down a full time job? At 53, he is unlikely to change. He talks about it but actions speak louder than words. The fact that he goes out, leaving you home alone almost every night is a red flag for me. It might be that you have incompatible lives. You have responsibilities and he doesn't (or at least he is behaving like he doesn't). In the long term it could be a problem for you.

[DoIknowitschristmas]

He is doing part-time work at the moment and says when he is back to full-time he will be going to bed early (not sure if I believe him!)

He socialises in the local pub.

Thanks for your replies. Some of you have given me hope it could work out. I suppose I will soon know if he is still partying after Christmas.

[LegoAdventCalendar]

Sure he will, till the next holiday/excuse to binge. Up half the night boozing at 53? What a loser.

[NoRoomAtTheGin]

I was going out with someone who was 9 years younger than me (41) and his friends were all younger than that. I felt completely at odds with all his clubbing and drinking. I also suspected drug taking at raves (!)

I gave him up as it wasn't 'right'

[Joysmum]

I think it's a mistake to assume somebody will change, even if they say that's what they say they want to happen.

You're with the person they are now.

Even if they did try to change, it'll be forgotten that this was something they supposedly wanted and you'll get the blame if it done any work out for them.