Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Bitter feelings for my father.

(6 Posts)
ChristmasBlingFest Thu 04-Dec-14 13:36:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heyday Thu 04-Dec-14 14:02:50

Sounds like your DF was probably having an affair before your DM died, also sounds like your DM possibly had a heart attack, perhaps brought on by the stress? Lots of possibilities.
It sounds like this happened a little while ago but is obviously something that you are struggling with.
You could have this out with DF but he will probably get angry and deny anything untoward. Why not just have as little contact with as possible. If you continue to see him then I think you will end up blurting your feelings out and this will have a detrimental effect on your relationship. Our parents are only human and therefore fail and make mistakes.
What's done is done. You can't turn the clock back.. You have 3 choices, have it out rationally with him, stay quiet and have no contact or stay quiet, stay in touch but let the past go. Relationships, they're not always easy.

HumblePieMonster Thu 04-Dec-14 18:55:51

I did some reading about bereavement a few years ago. Some people need to embark on a new sexual relationship immediately (or are vulnerable to advances) because they need convincing that they haven't died, that life will go on for them.

I don't think what you've written suggests that your father was having an affair before your mum died, though I suppose he might have been.

Get counselling for you, and leave your dad and his partner in peace.

Holdthepage Thu 04-Dec-14 19:11:07

I have heard about this happening so many times it can't be just a coincidence. Someone I worked with once had her DF say to her at her DM 's funeral, I hope you will be happy for me if I meet someone else, 2 days later he was dating their cleaner!

It is pretty shocking how quickly some people move on.

ChristmasBlingFest Fri 05-Dec-14 07:13:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meerka Fri 05-Dec-14 09:19:59

Yes, he could christmas.

Sometimes people do have some really odd grief / shock reactions, it's odd but not that extreme, there's way way worse. But if he felt the need to get off with someone immediately, rubbing it in his childrens' faces was pretty shit.

Actually when someone becomes a parent they make a commitment to a vulnerable young person who they need to look after physically and mentally until they are grown up. That's the commitment they make. When one of the parents die, the other parent needs to step up and to look after and nurture their children through that time.

Now, 18 is technically adult but to loose your mum suddenly is one hell of a shock. It would have been much better for your father to be discreet for a period of months. Much better. It was very crass of him to have this woman there at that time. I'm not surprised your mother's family allowed themselves to loose touch.

At first I thought there was no evidence that they'd been having an affair but actually when I think about it, for her to be present during the post-death visits - yes, it does seem quite likely. It's not impossible that they got together just 48 hours after your mother's death, but it's really pretty unlikely.

You were in an impossible position - loyalty to your father and loyalty to your mother - and probably in shock yourself.

If it's weighing on your mind all these years - well, weigh up the consequences of speaking up or not. This kind of thing can fester forever. Blurting it out can cause a lot of upset but might make you feel better. (and frankly his feelings here are irrelevant - he didn't exactly consider yours did he?). The downside is that if his partner dislikes you, speaking up could give her the perfect opportunity to ensure they cut you out.

I hope you are okay, that must have been a very very hard time.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: