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Body transformation causing problems?

(8 Posts)
darkstar77 Thu 04-Dec-14 03:17:14

I am just recently turned 38 and in the past year I have lost over 80lbs and had a bit of a personal transformation. I gained a lot of weight in my mid 20's when I gave the career I had went to university to qualify for to take care of 2 close family members with serious illnesses this was my main focus for about 10 years and in that time I became isolated, depressed and let myself go totally.

I did go back to do a post grad but still lacked the confidence to find work due to my appearance. I felt so old and ugly I know I was putting people off me. So last year I buckled down, joined a gym, revamped my diet totally, did a lot of reseach into skincare, nutrition, applied it and skin tightening treatments to improve my appearance during and after weight loss. I saw a private dermatologist and was put on retin a as well as laser skin treatments and peels. I had really good results, much better than I expected and the dermatologist has said this was due to my skin having practically zero sun damage and that I had never drank or smoked in my life. I had a bobby brown make up lesson very light and natural, a hair cut ut kept my hair long and bought some new clothes.

I look better than I have perhaps ever, I was never beautiful and I'm still not beautiful but I look pretty and while I am leery to say I look younger than I am I certainly look a lot younger than I did. Its thrilling and a bit scary. I know it is something most women are used to but its very strange to find men noticing you, staring at you and approching you when in the past I was invisible to them! I did this mainly to regain some confidence to help me find the work I want but if I am honest I would like to meet a man. I don't have big groups of female friends and I'm not the sort to go online or to clubs but I do have a long time close male friend (married) who has been there for me over the years I was away from the world. I always got on well with his wife and she never bothered about my spending time with her husband but recently in light of my new look she has been making it difficult for my friend and I to spend time together. I am not interested in my male friend romantically at all and neither is he in me. I am however very interested in some of his single friends. I'm slowly doing more socialising, going to concerts and evenings out with my friend where he is introducing me to people so I am seeing him more but his wife seems to feel threatened by it all. I would love for her to come along too and hang out but while she wants to do her own thing see her friends, she doesn't want me spending time with her husband, even though we are not alone and its only once or twice a month.

I think she is a but suspicious of my "makeover" and has quizzed me about it but while I have shared a lot of what I did I am not comfortable talking about my laser treatments etc because I feel I could be judged for that. She perhaps feels I am competeing with her when I am not at all, she is a very successful woman and I am only just starting to work again after a long time.

Anyway the last thing I want to do is cause friction in their marriage so perhaps I should not see my friend for a while but selfishly I don't want to do that. I do really like a particular friend of her husbands, who is my age, very shy and a lovely man who has been a bit overlooked by other women. I could tell her that it is him I am after but I don't want to blow it and she isn't the most discreet person so she might give me away before I am ready!

What should I do?

however Thu 04-Dec-14 04:50:01

Have you told your male friend that it is him you're interested in?

however Thu 04-Dec-14 04:50:25

'him' being the male friend's friend.

WildBillfemale Thu 04-Dec-14 07:40:08

Congratulations on your make over Apart from the change in your appearance it'll be the change in your self esteem and confidence that people notice. Change can be uncomfortable for people to accept sometimes.
I think you need to ask your male friend to match make you with his single friends mentioning X in particular and see what happens, you could even mention you want this to happen to his wife but ask her to be discreet.

It may be better for you to let your married friend to contact you about friendly meet ups rather than continuing as before. You say you are seeing him 'more'.
Things HAVE changed, his wifes waryness around the 'new you' is a compliment of sorts.

Have fun and catch up all you missed out on earlier! smile don't waste energy on people who no longer accomodate the 'new you'

GoatsDoRoam Thu 04-Dec-14 09:56:08

Congratulations! Losing that much weight through exercise and change of diet shows incredible strength and determination. Well done you.

The wife is feeling insecure and jealous, which is not great but is a very human failing. It's great that you know that you are not attracted to married friend, and that you would like to explore romantic options with his single friends. So why not kill 2 birds with 1 stone by telling married friend that you like-like his single friend, and ask for his help setting you up? That way, you will be on your way to an exciting dating future, and word will get back to the wife that it's not her husband you're interested in.

Good luck to you! smile

sonjadog Thu 04-Dec-14 11:01:54

I agree with the others. Ask your friend to set you up with his single friend.

Matildathecat Thu 04-Dec-14 11:31:33


I think you shouldn't pin too much hope on this one man introducing you to Mr Right. Spread your wings, try a new hobby,join a singles holiday. You say you are 'not the sort' to do online dating. Tbh I don't think there is 'a sort' anymore, just select a site that suits your profile, The Guardian for doesn't have to be one of the huge ones.

And have a chat with your friend. Ask her for help with meeting her DH's friends so she feels included.

Good luck, it will take a while to find out who you really are now. Take your time and have some fun.[ smile]

SlimJiminy Thu 04-Dec-14 11:31:42

Tell your friend you like his mate. Could be the start of something really exciting - why wait? Congratulations btw smile

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