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Want to/need to get some 'dysfunctonal Family' stuff off my chest.

(3 Posts)
shadypines Wed 03-Dec-14 20:41:41

Hi, I know there is a huge thread for DF, a fair bit I have read but it's so huge I thought my post would just get swallowed up.

I wonder at what stage people realise that they indeed have a dysfunctional family? hmm I am just starting to realise it after 40 plus years. In a way I feel guilty for saying it as my family are loving to me but there is still of lot of crap going on at times.

The main crapness was my DF relationship with my DM ( she died severa years ago) and his relationship with my DB. Re the parents first, I can never really remember them having a proper friendly relationship, it's not that my DF shouted a lot or hit my DM, he didn't (as far as I knew), but there was abuse in the form of control eg with money and he would constantly belittle what she said or what she cooked to the point where she was totally ground down to a shell. You could liken it to a constant dripping tap of negativity. Since the age of 14 I can't remember them going on holiday or night out or any sort of trip together (unless it was a family funeral ...). Several years ago there was a birthday get together in a pub for an elderly relative, they sat totally apart all evening. Thinking of it makes me cringe with embarrassment as if it's somehow my fault?

So DFs relationship with DB is sort of similar, DF is very negative towards him, I never see or hear any signs of friendliness, never hear them chatting on the rare occasions my DB pays a visit ( which are much rarer since DM died), my DS reckons she cops my DF pulling his face at my DB when he goes out of the room. All very petty and nasty and makes for a really uncomfortable atmosphere. To be honest, I begin to dread the Christmas family get together from about the beginning of October....

I should say that my DF did have an abusive 'father' when he was young, although he never really knew his real father, . I believe a lot of his negative and awful behaviour stems from that ( how the toxicity spreads from generation to generation eh?) The other problem is that I feel my older DS 'absorbs' a lot of this crap and in her attempt to deal with it she trys to 'look after' my DF all the time and does not seem to be able to have another life at the moment (worse since DM died). I find her constantly trying to please and watching what she says ( and I remember DF being like this with his mother funnily enough), and she is CONSTANTLY saying to me "don't tell dad this, he doesn't need to know" or if she goes out anywhere it will be "don't tell dad about it" etc etc. she doesn't want him to know because he makes a big fuss about ANYTHING, or wants an inquest or talks down to us in a patronising kind of way, he's always been the same. The thing is she doesn't need to keep telling me, it drives me up the wall, I KNOW not to say a word about ANYTHING (and it can be all sorts of trivial shite I mean)

I just wanted to get a bit of it off my chest, does you good to write it out doesn't it? I know lots of people have much much worse to cope with but this doesn't make it all easier to deal with and as I say , I dread Christmas.
If you made it this far, thanks!

SpidersDontWashTheirHands Wed 03-Dec-14 21:16:54

I think you know that abuse isn't always physical; it can be a constant, grinding, undermining of someone. It sounds like that is how your father treats your family. Good for you that you recognise his behaviour is wrong and that you are trying to break the cycle thanks

shadypines Fri 05-Dec-14 23:03:42

thank you spider ( you must have the weirdest mumsnet name, congrats!), and thanks for flowers smile

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