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Dp's mind games. Does he really dislike me or what?

(18 Posts)
Bogwasher Wed 03-Dec-14 16:29:28

I'm a full time uni student with a flexible hours job I do on the side. I'm allowed to work one shift a week however if I work a weekday I only earn £52. If I work a Sunday I earn £102 for the same number of hours. So naturally I started to work Sundays. Then last week dp complained that he didn't like this set up as it meant his day off (Sunday) was spent running around after the kids (my two and his two, all teens above the age of 14 so not much running around realistically!) and he didn't see why I just didn't work weekday instead. I explained the difference in pay so he said I had to be mindful of balancing family life with making money and it's not all about how much we can earn etc.
fast forward to last night and I told him I was considering working Friday this week instead if Sunday so we can have Sunday together and do the house up for Christmas. Well he went off on one, said I couldn't just decide I couldn't be arsed to work Sundays, said I needed to chip in with finances and said it was unfair of me to tell him I'm working Sunday only to swap it to a Friday????!!! I said last week you didn't want me working Sundays and he denied that and said he preferred me making more money on a Sunday. It just doesn't make sense. To top it all off he went and booked Friday off work to encourage me to work Sunday!! The paranoia in me is saying he must have had something planned for Sunday that I wasn't to get in the way of otherwise why the sudden change of heart and extreme reaction to me working Friday one week instead of Sunday??

It just seems that no matter what I do I'm in the wrong. There are other things going on too which makes me wonder if he actually likes me at all never mind loves me. We're supposed to be getting married in 2016 yet the other day he sprung the comment "well if we can't afford it maybe we're not ready?" (What with a whole year if saving up and me saying I want a cheap, quick wedding?)

He says we can pay to have the house on a deed of trust to protect my rights but we can't do it until he has £2k back in the bank which he's laid out to keep us out of the overdraft yet whenever I try to pay any if it back he stops me and says he'd rather us enjoy ourselves rather than save up money (yet the deed of trust thing supposedly relies on these savings been put back?)
He's constantly making little remarks about my past ("why didn't one of your other blokes teach the kids how to fix bikes?") as if I've had a long line of men in my life .... He denies all of this of course. Says I'm being dramatic and trying to start arguments.

One thing I wonder is why he's so obsessed with ME making money when his ex wife never worked a day in her life and he was fine with that? It just feels like he hates me sometimes.

RandomMess Wed 03-Dec-14 16:34:14

Something sounds amiss. Could there be an interest in someone else?

Is it your house or what?

Bogwasher Wed 03-Dec-14 16:36:50

I'm not sure, no other signs of that are there but it's easily hidden isn't it. The house is in his name only but I do contribute to payments on it monthly.

Joysmum Wed 03-Dec-14 16:39:21

I wouldn't put up with anyone that made me doubt myself when I knew something had happened and they denied it. That would be a trust issue for me, I'd doubt them on everything else.

worldgonecrazy Wed 03-Dec-14 16:41:43

He doesn't like you. It's called gas-lighting and is a form of abuse.

Why waste your time with someone who wants to play games with your emotions?

RandomMess Wed 03-Dec-14 16:42:37

Okay do feel you contributing fairly as a "renter" or a "co-owner", in you don't marry and your name isn't on the deeds you will very unlikely get any money back or a share of the property. If things don't seem okay then I would be concerned you were being used to keep his household going at your own expense. However as a student you may be saving money on rent etc.

TheHoneyBadger Wed 03-Dec-14 16:43:37

it certainly sounds like you're being made to jump on hot coals and not find a safe place to rest.

how long have you been together and how do your children feel about him?

AMumInScotland Wed 03-Dec-14 16:55:49

Anyone who leaves you feeling you are always in the wrong is not someone you should be planning to rely on in your life. The Friday/Sunday business does sound to me like he has plans for this Sunday that he doesn't want you to know about. In a good relationship, you could guess it was something like Christmas shopping, but I'm not sure I'd be that optimistic in this case.

It doesn't sound like you're in a good position financially here, with the house in his name, a situation with savings that sounds odd, and vague statements about a wedding which delay you getting the legal protection that would give you.

What do you want out of this arrangement? Is it working for you? Do you think it can be modified to work better, eg by getting financial and legal advice?

Bogwasher Wed 03-Dec-14 16:57:46

To be honest I've kind of given up on the house situation, this deed of trust thing has been going on for over a year now, excuse after excuse or when he does agree to it he makes it really awkward saying he wants the sofa and the table and chairs and the car and any debts and any money in bank etc etc put into it. At worse I just see it as though I'd be paying rent elsewhere so whatever kind of thing. I just wish he'd consider my feelings on things rather than just constantly argue with me and make everything difficult. Constantly changing goalposts and making out that I'm unreasonable/argumentative

TheHoneyBadger Wed 03-Dec-14 17:00:49

would a man who was committed to you and your children go to so much trouble to get out of being financially tied to you in any way?

yes you'd be paying rent anyway but you'd be doing so to a landlord who wasn't sharing your body, your children, your sanity and domestic work and impacting on your self esteem.

it sounds like you know he's deliberately playing games and trying to get out of putting you in a fair financial position. does that not concern you?

RandomMess Wed 03-Dec-14 17:03:22

Think I'd start contributing less so you can save up to leave asap. You deserve better than being treated like this.

AMumInScotland Wed 03-Dec-14 17:04:14

So what do you get out of this arrangement? He doesn't sound like someone I would want to be in a relationship with, personally. How much of your life do you want to spend with someone who does not seem to want to make a long-term committment? If it's practical for now, then fair enough. But at what point do you turn around and say 'Actually, life without him would be better than life with him'?

He sounds like he's either deliberately playing games with you, or is so ambivalent about the relationship that he can't decide from one day to the next if there's any future in it.

Holdthepage Wed 03-Dec-14 17:30:16

I agree with RandomMess, start a secret savings fund for yourself & your DCs you need to be financially independent from him.

HumblePieMonster Wed 03-Dec-14 17:37:36

leave him. peace of mind is worth a great deal.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 03-Dec-14 17:45:08

"The house is in his name only but I do contribute to payments on it monthly".

Why for goodness sake are you doing that?. That's the very last thing you should be doing here. You're subbing his mortgage payment on his property!. That is money you will never get back either in the likely event that you separate.

He's horrible anyway and your relationship bar is way too low here.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

And you are really together because?. This is really a disaster of a relationship and he hates your very being. Such abusive men like the one you are currently shackled too actually hate women, all of them.

ImperialBlether Wed 03-Dec-14 20:00:15

I started to read this thinking, "Oh god, I'd hate to be married to a man like this." When I realised you weren't married and you didn't share children, my first reaction was, "Oh that's fantastic, she can leave him without any problems."

Do you really want to marry this man? He sounds horrible, tbh. Why would you want to tie yourself down to this prick?

FabULouse Wed 03-Dec-14 20:03:12

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WillkommenBienvenue Wed 03-Dec-14 20:08:49

This relationship sounds painful and hard work. No listening, no understanding, no problem solving. Just blame and attack. You must be exhausted OP.

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