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i want to leave my husband for my om.

(31 Posts)
PinkyPonyPie Wed 03-Dec-14 14:56:41

Please don't jump on me.

I have a om. He is amazing. I found him in January of this year after being married a year, together 7 to my husband.

My husband was my first love. We met at 16. He moved in 3 months later and I didn't really get a say. I feel like I have been stuck here since. We have two children. I should have left years ago but I had really bad pnd and needed him even though he didn't help.

he's a great dad but he shouts a lot. And swears a lot.

He works hard and pays the bills though.

We've had some awful arguments were he has broken some of my stuff.

In January I met om. He is the same age as me. We would go out on days out and for lunch. He calls me gorgeous and beautiful daily. He is my best friend.

In May I had the weekend to myself. Om toke me London for the day and the next day we went out and had lunch and just hung out. It was the best weekend iv had in years. On Monday I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He kicked off obviously. Smashed by bedroom up. I thought he was going to kill me. So I rang the police.

The police wouldn't do anything and just asked him to leave.

He kept messaging me. He went to my sister's and they messaged me telling me I'm selfish.

I let him back. He promised he would change. He was put on anti depressants and he changed for a few months. He told me to never contact om again. I couldn't :.(

Om treats me like a queen. He buys me things, sends flowers to my house and recently asked to take me and the children out for the day. He's never met the kids yet but wants to obviously this isn't going to happen.

i don't know what to do. I don't love my husband. Well i do but not in love.I Hate the thought of hurting him but he's hurt me so many times.

We rent and it's in both our names. He isn't going to leave.

What do i do?

I feel so much for om. I love being with him and he makes me feel amazing and safe and loved.

punygod Wed 03-Dec-14 15:00:41

Leave him, then.

It really is that simple.

PinkyPonyPie Wed 03-Dec-14 15:02:10

It isn't. I have no money, I have just rang get council and the waiting list is7 years even with domestic violence

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Wed 03-Dec-14 15:03:05

How do your kids cope with all this?

PinkyPonyPie Wed 03-Dec-14 15:05:40

They get upset with how daddy shouts at them. But they have no idea about om.

TheHermitCrab Wed 03-Dec-14 15:07:28

You say you rent and it's in both your names, but you have no money?

Do you not work or pay the rent then? Is your partner the sole provider?

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Wed 03-Dec-14 15:08:36

How do you explain away the flowers?

jasper Wed 03-Dec-14 15:08:40


jasper Wed 03-Dec-14 15:09:03

be aware OM might not work out

TheHermitCrab Wed 03-Dec-14 15:10:19

You're lying to your children, lying to your partner and he's delivering flowers to your house etc I'm presuming knowing you are STILL in a relationship, so clearly your partner is going to be angry and upset (I'm not condoning the violence/aggression)

But you can't have the best of both worlds. You have to leave him whether this om continues to shower you with gifts, likes your children or not.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 03-Dec-14 15:11:05

I'm ignoring the stuff with the OM.

You have an abusive husband. I'm assuming he is abusive to your children also, as you referred to them getting upset when he yells at them?

Police have been to your premises and made a record of his DV towards you.

Call Women's Aid. They should be able to help you.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Wed 03-Dec-14 15:11:30

When did your husband's abuse start?

YouAreMyRain Wed 03-Dec-14 15:12:31

Om is being lovely and seems more attractive because you are in the early stages of romance. It may not work out but your DH/DP sounds not very nice.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Wed 03-Dec-14 15:12:42

You promised never to contact om again. You lied.

This om is a fairy story shite. It's not real life. He's playing you.

You need to leave your husband. Have some time on your own.

If om truly loves you, he'll wait.

But I bet he won't.

magpieginglebells Wed 03-Dec-14 15:15:53

You need to leave your husband and be on your own for a while. Do you or can you work?

Summerbreezer Wed 03-Dec-14 15:16:06

There are two separate issues here.

The OM is a fantasy. You do not know him. He is not your knight in shining armour. He will not rescue you, nor do you need him to.

What you need to do is get away from your husband for the sake of your children. You have never been alone. Being an independent woman, raising your children, content in your own company, not relying on any man for your survival - wouldn't that be wonderful?

That is your goal here. Forget the OM. Think about you and your children.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 03-Dec-14 15:40:42

If you want to be a woman with dignity and honour, you have one choice; leave your husband. You don't love him anymore and he mistreats you. There's no reason to stay. Your H will have to pay child maintenance, you can find a job to supplement that plus whatever benefits you may be entitled to. Renting makes it easier, no house to haggle over, no continuing mortgage payments to make. Just find your own little place with room for you and your children.

The OM is a red herring, he may or may not stick around after you leave (It's amazing the number of men involved with married women who run for the hills the minute she is 'free').

HelloitsmeFell Wed 03-Dec-14 16:28:04

What kind of man sends flowers to your house when he knows you are still with your husband, who gets very angry and upset about his existence?

It doesn't really sound like he has your safety or wellbeing at the forefront of his mind, does it?

Also if he's only 23 he's unlikely to cope with living with two young kids who are not his. What both of you are experiencing now is a fantasy, not real life. However, it's clear you don't love your husband any more so do the decent thing and ask him for a divorce. You have obviously outgrown the relationship and you will leave him eventually anyway whether for this man or the next so don't prolong the agony for everyone.

MajesticWhine Wed 03-Dec-14 16:38:03

I agree you need to take OM out of the equation and just think about ending your marriage. Get some legal advice if necessary. Work out what kind of benefits you would qualify for and what kind of rent you could afford by yourself. If you have no money, then you will have to get a job. You say you don't want to hurt him, but you are hurting him more by staying and carrying on like this with OM. It would be much better to make a clean break. It is better for both of you. If you really are not prepared to go it alone, then you have to try and work on your relationship and stop cheating and start being decent to each other. But to be honest, it doesn't sound very hopeful.

Joysmum Wed 03-Dec-14 16:46:08

You need to leave your husband.

Do you honestly think you're worse off than the thousands of other women who have no means of their own and separate? They find a way and so can you.

Separate and end you marriage. Only once you're sorted should you consider your future with OM. If you swap one for another, you might be doing so for all the wrong reasons and fuck up yours, OM's and your child's lives in the process.

dirtybadger Wed 03-Dec-14 16:54:44

Leave your husband. You have a lot to sort out without some other bloke in the picture...I won't even get started on what a bad idea he is.

Contact women's aid, a solicitor and Citizens Advice. Especially if you're financially dependent upon your husband.

LadyIsabellaWrotham Wed 03-Dec-14 17:03:02

You need help OP. This is a potentially dangerous situation, and the OM is a distraction. Can your family support you? Talk to your sister and try to get her to understand that your husband is a genuine threat to you (and the children) and she may need to refuse to tell him where you are.

Talk to Women's Aid. Good luck.

DuchessofNorks Wed 03-Dec-14 17:06:46

Your Husband is being abusive towards you and the children and your sister appears to be blind to his behaviour towards you.

Disregard your sisters opinion and take OM out of the equation

Your sisters opinion on whether you are selfish or not doesn't matter. Don't kick him out and then let him back in because she decided to pass judgement on you. She likely has NO CLUE what your relationship is really like.

It is too late to stop your Husbands hurt as you have already hurt him, so that won't change even if you do stay with him. Ask him to leave and get a good solicitor. Tell them everything, especially WRT the way he treats you, contact Womans Aid and seek out their help.

Contact the benefits office and ask what you are entitled to. Don't be afraid to ask your Husband to leave in the meantime, as you can catch up with bill payments and arrears. Contact the citizens advice bureau and speak to them about this and ask them if they can help you get your other finances in order (i.e transferring bills into your name and making sure you have all your paperwork in order)

We are here for hand holding, but right now your priority should be your children, yourself and the breakdown of your marriage, NOT your OM.


GoatsDoRoam Wed 03-Dec-14 17:29:12

Your husband is abusive and you need to leave him.

Do it for you, do it for your DC. Call Women's Aid for advice: tell them what you told us here about your husband's behaviour.

The OM is a distraction, but if it's one of the things that helps you realise you need to leave, great. Don't see him as your salvation, though. YOU are your own salvation. You can leave your abusive husband on your two feet: you do not need a knight in shining armour to do it.

CogitOIOIO Wed 03-Dec-14 18:23:58

Just adding my voice to those saying that the most urgent problem to solve is getting out of the marriage. If your husband is abusive on a regular basis and has become more aggressive since you told him it was over then you are in great danger. Please call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and ask for refuge for yourself and your DCs.

BEWARE of the OM. He seems to be kind but, set against your husband, the devil himself would look like a good egg. He is not treating you respectfully I'm afraid, he is rushing you, and it is very common for abused women to become targets for more abuse on the rebound. It feels like a lovely big romance and that he's offering you an emergency exit, but you are really not in a good position to judge.

So please seek refuge, tell the OM to take a rain check and get your confidence back before you make any big choices about your life - and your DCs' lives.

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