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Dealing with awkward family dynamics without going nc...how?

(7 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Wed 03-Dec-14 13:01:05

I am a single mum and I live in the same town as my dad . I moved back home when I got pregnant and split up from the child's father. Mum was alive at the time but passed away a few years ago.

I am one of those people who yearned to get away from my parents as a teen. Unfortunately I developed some mh problems ( largely due to a very abusive upbringing at the hands of my mum and due to abusive ex.) My mh problems mean that at times I need to support of my family as I get vulnerable and yet my family caused me some mh problems. catch 22.

My dad never believed that mum beat me and belittled me as she always did it when he was away and told me he would leave her and I'd get taken into card if I told. I did tell but he didn't believe me anyway.

I love my dad but there are some issues with him. He is over involved with dd and my life and yet I don't know how I'd survive without his support as I'm completely single and struggle with romantic relationships.

Dad has a girlfriend who is lovely and I have known her for years but I was upset when he got with her just 5 months after mum died and I can't quite forget that feeling of annoyance and disapproval even though I'm glad he has someone.

His gf dd is an old friend of mine but our friendship can sometimes be described as toxic. When we were younger I felt that she was always competing with me and she went out with 2 exes of mine. It pissed me off for some reason. She still competes with me through our children.

Our daughters compete too and there have been some major tantrums.

I love my dad but I feel trapped by this situation. I'd love to meet my own dp and live a more separate life. My mental health means that this isn't always possible. Dad is lovely and helps with sitting and DIY but I have some sat resentments.

I don't wan to go no contact and dd and him are very close. We go over every Sunday for a roast and if can be lovely but family gatherings with his dp and her kids can be tense with an underlying resentment( from me I expect.)

My sister and I don't have a relationship and she lives miles away. I always feel a but like the black sheep. I feel like the family dosnt ale me seriously as I've had mh problems.

This here is just the tip of the iceberg!!

superstarheartbreaker Wed 03-Dec-14 13:01:43

Care even!

superstarheartbreaker Wed 03-Dec-14 13:02:43

Sorry typos

MerryMarigold Wed 03-Dec-14 13:12:06

I'm not an expert so hopefully there will be someone wiser along soon. I think you need to be careful not to destroy some good/ ok relationships - if they are good/ ok. On the face of it, they don't seem that toxic. It will always feel like there is some competition, I think. I am very close to my sister, but our daughters are in the same year at school and I do 'feel' it if her daughter succeeds and mine doesn't. There's no overt competition though. I think if your 'friend' makes comments like, "My dd made school councillor. Did yours?" then that would be different, but if she is just sharing news and you feel like it's competitive then maybe it is more in your mind. Could you be more explicit about the competitiveness? Maybe you just need to control it more. Bring it up in private with your friend and say, "I don't like it when you....it's not good for our dd's."

How old is your dd? Do you think her relationship with your dad is healthy?

This resonated with me: I always feel a but like the black sheep. I feel like the family dosnt ale me seriously as I've had mh problems. I think if you have MH issues (I do) you tend to feel like the black sheep and often read more into things than actually exist. I would try and tell yourself that they are just negative thoughts and they are not real. People are not thinking that.

superstarheartbreaker Wed 03-Dec-14 13:39:28

In the past competition between us has been things like ; I've lost lots of weight in a good way; she tries to feed me cake.

I think it's the unsupportive comments that get to me. I fancied a guy at work. She said " oh it will never happen." When we first met she said " at least your not that pretty! " shock . So maybe it's more between us. More fool me for poor boundaries. A bit late now isn't it?!

superstarheartbreaker Wed 03-Dec-14 13:43:12

My dd is 6. She keeps telling me hat my dd is like a teen. She isn't. She likes 1 direction but is not boy crazy. Her dd had some massive tantrums when my dd refused to play as she wri don't feel like it and I was told it was my dd fault that her dd was angry for 5 days after said strop.

MerryMarigold Wed 03-Dec-14 14:54:17

Hmmm...sounds like that is the challenging relationship (though not worth going NC over). Tbh, for blended families, it doesn't sound too bad. When you first me, must have been a long time ago? Maybe time to let that one go!!! You just need to ignore her a bit more, let go of your resentments, and protect your dd if it's getting to her at all. But it is not worth cutting a relationship with your Dad over, I don't think.

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