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Living together! Should/shouldn't be like this??

(144 Posts)
Mini05 Tue 02-Dec-14 23:41:30

so partner and I have been living together for 11 years.
I have a grown up son who also lives at home with us. Over the last 18 mths things have been up and down in our relationship with quite a lot of argueing between us., more so since he retired I'm also at home.

When it got heated last time things were said that keep going through my mind, and I moved into the spare bedroom I feel resentful towards him.
He said that he as paid for my son's food for the last 11 years and now he's a pensioner he's no longer paying towards it (son pays keep) and a few other things. So now the shopping money is split between us, and anything son has he won't pay for! So now all shopping as to be added up excluding bits for son which comes from my shopping money.
I am angry still inside, we are now talking and I have said we need to discuss about the house situation and he just says yes ok. He as also started not asking me to go places with since the big argument, so every afternoon he goes out on his own for about 1-2 hours. It's like we just share a house.

I need to hear from other on what they think of this situation? And I'm not just being petty about supporting my son in the food situation,and also the way we live is not (normal)!!!

LadyLuck10 Tue 02-Dec-14 23:43:56

How old is your son op?

happystory Tue 02-Dec-14 23:46:51

How old is your son and does he work? Cos I don't think many people who are retired would want a grown up son or daughter living with them if there was an alternative? I see what you say about dividing up the food bills, that seems petty but why should your partner subsidise your son?

Lovingfreedom Tue 02-Dec-14 23:55:05

So..you don't get on well, he doesn't think much of your son and you don't want to either spend daytime or sleep together. Time to call it a day? Or just a 'bad patch'?

OvertiredandConfused Tue 02-Dec-14 23:55:24

If your son pays for board and lodgings then that money should either go in the joint pot and the food for the three of you come out of the joint pot OR you keep the money to pay your son's share of the food and other bills.

On a wider point, it does sound like you are at different life stages or have different expectations. If the relationship is import at to you and your DP then you'll need to have some honest conversations and both be prepared to compromise.

Mini05 Wed 03-Dec-14 00:26:17

Son is 25 he works on minimum wage, he pays keep which we now have half each.
Son money used to go into joint acct for bills/food, but since he turned 60 this year he's changed!
Partner as no children, so doesn't know the love you feel for a child(even when there grown up)
We do seem to be at a stage where that's all he thinks about at moment is cars,he won't listen to going on holiday (doesn't what my son left in house/his cars son can't even drive!!! (Incase he has few mates round)

So what am I / would you do when yours reach that age chuck them out and say your on your own? I was still at home with my mum till I was 28.

I can't seem to do right anymore!

Tobyjugg Wed 03-Dec-14 00:32:21

Keep son; dump him. I'd get legal advice regarding your financial position and take it from their.

Tobyjugg Wed 03-Dec-14 00:32:55

*there

fluffapuss Wed 03-Dec-14 06:28:35

Hello
Sorry to hear about your situation
Looking from the outside, how long do you think that you can continue to live like this ? another month, another year ?

Staying in the same house with no communication is very stressful
I would decide if you want to make up or break up and make positive decisions to improve your current situation, which ever way you decide

I would attempt to resolve the situation sooner, rather than later.

I would suggest you write a list of what you want from the future & ask your partner to do the same and see if it leads to stay together or split

I think your son is a slightly different issue
How much does your son pay to stay at home ? i am asking, because to rent or buy is very expensive, even without bills & food on top.
At 25 what plans does your son have for the future ?
At 25 why does your partner not trust your son
If your son is going to stay what can he do to help the household more or make efforts to move out ?

How about you looking for some part time work or voluntary work so that you have some interests outside the house ?

Some things to think about

Good luck

JeanSeberg Wed 03-Dec-14 06:37:09

Poor son.

Who owns the house?

TallulahTwinkletoes Wed 03-Dec-14 06:41:04

My thoughts are that at60 he was looking forward to a peaceful retirement with you. Your son is still there and he probably isn't getting the peace he wants. He probably thinks your son is far too old to be paid for and should be paying his own way. Is that fair? At 25, I'd say so.

To be honest, there's no reason he couldn't flat share at 25 on minimum wage.

After 11 years together, do you think he loves your son as his own? I see you say he has no kids and doesn't understand the love but I imagine the love he feels for your son is as close to that as your do would be able to get?!

However, you're not living with two children. He needs to be told to grow up. Treat you with some respect!

gamerchick Wed 03-Dec-14 06:45:47

He's stopped you going places with him?

JugglingChaotically Wed 03-Dec-14 06:47:33

Is 60 a pensioner??
I certainly won't be retired at that age!!
Sounds like a late midlife crises.....
He needs to get a grip.

Loveleopardprint Wed 03-Dec-14 06:52:22

Is he struggling to come to terms with retirement? Could he be a bit depressed and looking for something to control in his life? I think some people find retirement hard and then take it out on their nearest and dearest.

Hissy Wed 03-Dec-14 07:01:02

on a minimum wage job in this country... exactly how is he expected to move out?

your P is being a wanker OP. he's clearly been biding his time, pretending to be a nice bloke.

no decent man would do this.

ScrambledEggAndToast Wed 03-Dec-14 07:04:43

Your partner is being unreasonable but on the flip side, I don't understand why your son doesn't want to move out. Working full time, even on the minimum wage, he should be able to afford a house share. At 25, he can't enjoy still living at home.

fluffapuss Wed 03-Dec-14 07:54:37

Hello

I just wanted to add that some of the house hold issues may be related to questions about

Respect
Trust
Being taken for granted
Boundaries

Hope this helps

Some more things to think about

Joysmum Wed 03-Dec-14 08:22:56

Tbh I'd hope that a 25 year old would be looking to move out!

I moved out ASAP and rented a room. I'm not in the camp that supports 'children' until they can afford their own place. Why should they be able to afford the luxury of their own flat from the start?

In the mean time, whilst they are at home they most cover their own costs by paying 'rent', no matter how little money that leaves them. Ideally even a bit extra which should go into a saving pot for a deposit when they are ready to move out.

The aim of patents to teach kids how to be independent.

I'd be interested to know how much the 25 year old pays and how much he earns.

CogitOIOIO Wed 03-Dec-14 09:34:25

If I was retired and adult DS was working but still hanging around at home, I would possible be making things financially less cosy for him as an incentive to get him to be more independent. Loving children IMHO means preparing them for life without you and encouraging them to go it alone.

If there's anything going on in his head like that, however, then it should be an open an honest discussion including your DS rather than a unilateral withdrawal of money. Family meeting?

Vivacia Wed 03-Dec-14 09:41:36

Who owns the house?

Mini05 Wed 03-Dec-14 10:33:46

Ok mixed feelings here, will try to answer questions

I not sure how much longer I can carry on like this,as the last few months havnt been very good. He just carrys on like normal, still chats to son like nothing is any different but for me this doesn't seem like a sharing/loving relationship it's become money orientated. Partner is nowhere near short of money by the way yet he's penny pinching to the degree you owe me 50p

First son pays £250 month, can I just mention all but 1 of his friend Still live at home with parents. He's out at work from 7 in morning, then after tea he will go and chill in his room, and goes to bed at 10.30 as up at 6. Weekends he is out with mates. So no way in the way,no loud music,friend round etc. son is quite an introvert and likes hhis own space.
As you may all now renting is now become very expensive(no excuses) cheapest 1 bed is £450 excluding bills/food so wouldn't leave him hardly anything left. I don't know what son's future plans are. He mentions get a flat but when he's added it up knows it's not affordable at moment.theres chance he may meet somebody in the future.

We both own the house, though I have more equity(from previous house, all written down legally)

As to the not going out in the day together, he just goes now on his own rather than asked "where shall we go today, fancy a coffee etc" which we used to do, think he prefers to go on his own, as I liked to look around the shops and he gets fed up so sometimes became stressful.

He proberly is struggling with retirement, as he's not the type to stay in he's very fit and finds it hard to sit and watch tv programme for more than half an hour!

I know in my heart that this isn't what my relationship was like upto a couple years back,and the changes/distance between us isn't right.
Yet when I mention discussing about it and to set a time for it, he just says ok but never brings it up again. The situation of me being in the spare bedroom, it's like it's normal now he never even says anything regarding to me be there(which upsets me)
If I mention it, he just says do what you want. I don't know if he means it,fed up with me mentioning it or what??

In my head I'm thinking I will wait now till after xmas, as it's not really the time for upheaval(if that's the way forward) so many questions in my head.

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter Wed 03-Dec-14 10:55:26

I agree, Mini, this is like housemates going wrong never mind a (supposedly) sexual relationship! Your partner sounds like an arse - and, given what you've just shared about "You owe me 50p", I rather suspect he's been a miserable bastard all the time but you didn't see the full picture while he was working full time.

Previous posters seem to have slightly lost touch with what life's like for 20-somethings trying to get financial independence off the ground.

I'd advise ditching Misery Guts, keeping Hard-Working Son - and, finances/leases permitting, doing it before Christmas so he can't cast a freezing fog over your celebration.

TallulahTwinkletoes Wed 03-Dec-14 11:27:11

I don't think previous posters have lost touch with 20 something's making a start. I am a 20 something and bought my own house at 24. Yes there were two of us and yes we were both earning over minimum wage at the time (I think 18 and 20k iirc) but we did it all ourselves and we rented for many years before that. We lived in a three bed terraced that was 575pcm. I earnt 170 a week (after tax) for most of that time and DP was on 15k mostly. Less when we first moved in. Our first house was 400pcm and only DP was earning as I was a student.

I think his age and wage are not good enough excuses.

Mini05 Wed 03-Dec-14 11:30:03

Also forgot to add, he comes in from picking any shopping whilst out even before taking coat of he will get list and work out how much I owe him and will remind me constantly if I don't pay him there and then.

He got fairly big retirement lump sum and denied I'd given him 12k in 2007 when I had a large payout. This made me see Red!! Eventually he gave it to me but made me wait till he decided,this too upset me as why would I say I gave him money if I didn't him seems to have changed so much everything as to be it seems his way.

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter Wed 03-Dec-14 11:37:05

Hmm. Just checked, and DS's take-home pay is £1,012 pcm. It could be done, but it'd be a heck of a squeeze for a 25-year-old. If he's going to save and/or get out & about enough to form relationships, he's better off with Mum.

More to the point, DP's behaving like a whining tight-arse and not exactly contributing to the sum of OP's joy. This thread's about her relationship, not young people's financial predicaments, and I still say dump him and his 50p debts.

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