Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Think marriage is over?

(16 Posts)
magicgirl79 Tue 02-Dec-14 21:39:32

My head is so mixed up right now... I think my marriage is dead in the water but don't think I can face the facts.

We have 1 child, I work and cover all bills, house etc, my H does not work, he can but doesn't. I think I have become resentful but most of all just so tired of it all. I find myself snappy, gurny and just so unhappy, like carrying huge weights when I am getting about.. but im scared at the same time, im scared of hurting him.. i realised today I go out of my way to keep others pleased rather than me.

Sorry I just needed to get all this down as I don't talk to anyone about it, my life probably looks cosy from the outside.

thisisnow Tue 02-Dec-14 21:42:58

Why does he not work? Hope you're ok? Do you want to leave or do you think you can find the courage to leave? Stage one of stopping being a people pleaser is to please yourself smile

magicgirl79 Tue 02-Dec-14 21:56:56

He just chooses not too, he always claims he is looking but he isn't..

I want to leave I think, I think I would be a better, happier person apart from him, and our lifestyles as in both of us would be better. In a lot of ways I have grown up and apart from him, just feels so sad, but in my heart I know it is done.

thisisnow Tue 02-Dec-14 22:15:27

So what will your first steps be? I'm in a similar predicament myself OH works but only because I found him a job, pretty embarrassing isn't it blush How old is your child have you thought about where you will live, childcare etc?

Tobyjugg Tue 02-Dec-14 22:18:33

If he isn't providing material support and, from what you say, he isn't providing emotional support, what use is he to you?

magicgirl79 Tue 02-Dec-14 22:19:03

I would hope to live in the house we are in, it is in joint names but I have paid solely from my bank account for the past 10 yrs, our child is 6, which worries me as I don't know how she will cope. I will not need child care as I have family close by, but I do worry about custody etc and have no idea how that works.

It is very embarrassing and can almost be like having another child to look after x

thisisnow Tue 02-Dec-14 22:34:01

I think your next step will be to see a solicitor and find out where you stand. Plenty of people on here are going through a similar thing and can offer amazing support... hope you are okay flowers

kittensinmydinner Wed 03-Dec-14 07:55:44

Is your dh the primary carer for your child ? Is he a sahd ie does he get lo ready for school, do shopping, housework cooking ,playdates etc whilst you work . Or do you do it all as well as work ?

magicgirl79 Wed 03-Dec-14 08:11:18

I do it all whilst working to pay the bills. He does cook the odd meal though!! I feel a mug putting that in writing!

kittensinmydinner Wed 03-Dec-14 08:48:19

In that case I'm afraid, using the inimitable language of mn, you are married to a cockwomble. Time to put a few (!) ulimatums that you are willing to follow through on , on the table, if you want things to change. If not , then a 30 minute freebie with a lawyer just to see where you stand. If you do decide to divorce there is nothing to stop you doing it yourself. I did it without too much problem, even though o.h refused to move out and I had to get an occupation order. Lots of form filling but certainly not rocket science !

Headgone Wed 03-Dec-14 08:51:32

Why do I read on so many threads that men are not working? Yes I have an ex like this too. They are perfectly fit and healthy but lazy and entitled. They should be ashamed of themselves. You will just resent him more and more if this relationship continues.

operaha Wed 03-Dec-14 09:09:11

You and your child deserve better than this. Think about the example you are setting (working mother AND covering all the bills) and think of the example he is setting. It's embarrassing.
I wish Id ended it with my ex when he ended up unemployed and sat around for 6 months talking about how too good he was for any jobs that were going. But didnt apply for any of the better ones. Argh.
Can you see this situation improving? In what ways are you happy?

CogitOIOIO Wed 03-Dec-14 12:55:15

Do get legal advice. As you are married there are certain rules and conventions, not least about property. Unless you owned it prior to the marriage or there was some other documented agreement about ownership you'll probably find it is regarded as a 'marital asset' whether he has contributed financially or not.

You'll find there is less concern about 'custody' and more about finding ways to achieve a shared parenting arrangement that works for the pair of you and also your DD. What affects DCs most is when parents are warring, resentful or unhappy. If you can be civil and cooperative it doesn't matter so much if you live in two places or one

PaisleySheets Wed 03-Dec-14 13:01:36

I think you should lay it down calmly and explain to him that you are resentful and why, and explain those feelings of resentment are causing you to feel no longer in love or happy in your marriage.

Divorce is very hard, I'd want to be sure I'd given the person and opportunity with very clear facts to improve things.

If you go out of your way to please people, he might be unaware of how unhappy you are.

magicgirl79 Wed 03-Dec-14 16:57:15

I think he must know how hacked off I am. I have to loan/give him money for things but im struggling as the prices off things are rising to do it all. I have been with him 14 yrs, he has never had a steady job, I always have, mu mum says he is walking all over me!!

When I ask my little one what she wants to do when shes older she sometimes tells me nothing!! I don't want her to think its normal.

thisisnow Wed 03-Dec-14 21:34:24

Well maybe your first step is to have a chat with him about it? And then decide what your next steps will be. If you are paying for everything anyway then it sounds like you will be okay on your own?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: