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UPDATE: *....Should I return to my wife who has accused me of abusing our child?*

(7 Posts)
DadsnotBad Tue 02-Dec-14 21:17:47

UPDATE: ....Should I return to my wife who has accused me of abusing our child?

To remind you, we share more or less 50/50 custody of the children and my wife had a breakdown after we separated in October last year. We separated as she accused me of abusing our 7 year old daughter over many years etc, which in essence has come from the damage done due to her own sexual abuse as a child.

My (ex)Wife is being rather cold at the moment and very offish. She is very up and down with mood swings! In a way I'm fine with this as I am trying to distance my self so that she gains her own independence. But where as I try my very best to be friendly and chatty, she's very much more cold, blunt and non communicative.

We are supposed to be attending 'family therapy' (part of her rehabilitation) together next Monday (usually every 5 weeks or so) and then in a few weeks time spending Christmas Day together for the sake of our 7 & 9 year old, as neither of us has partners and our families are not around this year. We also need to plan the care of the children over the two week holiday, along the lines of 2 or 3 days with each of us alternatively. She says she can't consider this right now, though from past experience, the later we leave it the more stressful it becomes.

Our children spent the majority of Christmas Day, Christmas Dinner etc with my wife last year and their Grandparents and this year, well, its my turn to have them for dinner. I shipped myself off to a friends for dinner last year and whilst the company was fabulous, I felt like sh*t. We literally live 1 mile from each other in the same village. Because she is still recovering from her 'breakdown' but is now doing reasonably well (treated bi-polar) and has recently started back at work, I don't have the heart to demand they wake in my house to receive Father Christmas (I really want them to) and although I will be having them for Christmas dinner, it's been suggested that the majority of this is done in our marital home where my wife still lives, and we all have Christmas Day together. I have said my Ex is very welcome to have dinner with us etc - I still have huge guilt over her missing the kids, mostly because she attempted suicide / self harmed after we separated last year, for the sole reason of not seeing the children full time.

My issue is, firstly, should I still be doing 'Family Therapy' one year later (we are now starting to talk about our marital relationship as opposed to my wifes health) - I really don't want to provide false hope that we will get back together, I now know we will not. Secondly, as she is being so cold, rude and offish with me, how on earth can we spend Christmas Day together and how can it come across as natural in front of the children - will it just be a warped false smile al day for the children. Am I giving her and the children false hope by doing this?

Please help - I am puling my hair out trying to come up with an answer that appeases everyone and most of all our children. Thank you.

cestlavielife Tue 02-Dec-14 21:30:52

Use the family therapy session s to discuss the practical issues of Christmas. The therapist knows both off you now and can help you draw up a plan together.

cestlavielife Tue 02-Dec-14 21:33:21

Ps she didn't harm herself because u separated. She did this because she was mentally ill. Don't feel guilty. It wasn't your fault.

SavoyCabbage Tue 02-Dec-14 21:38:18

Yes, talk about the christmas arrangements with the therapist. To me, it seems reasonable for you to 'host' christmas dinner at yours and invite her to it. perhaps you can go over first thing to see them open the presents as it's your turn so to speak.

It's a pity you can't invite another family member too, to act as a buffer!

ThirdPoliceman Tue 02-Dec-14 21:49:39

This is difficult.
What would the children prefer?
Could you eat Christmas lunch in the family home and perhaps take them back to yours to play a board game that Santa left for you?
Would her illness allow her to consider your position?
You seem to be walking a line between her wishes and your own and children are so sensitive to mood and tone.
Are you living in Ireland still?

crje Wed 03-Dec-14 08:22:47

It's your turn so have them with you.
She is welcome to join ye.
You are very considerate but it's time to stop walking on eggshells.
Start now as you mean to go on.

Also separate therapy should be looked into imo

Quitelikely Wed 03-Dec-14 09:14:04

The thing is I think you have more than done your bit.

A year is a long time and you need to start branching out on your own. Because your wife can be up or down I would have the custody agreement with the children set in stone.

You can't play happy families with her if she only plays when she wants to.

What's best for the children is clear, consistent contact arrangements.

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