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Pregnancy hormones or reasonable requests?

(34 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Putthatonyourneedles Tue 02-Dec-14 18:18:01

Baby no.3 is due 06/12 and I've been measuring 5weeks ahead since 32 weeks. All the baby clothes are in loft and due to being the size of an airship and being a fat cow I'm too heavy/too large to get into the loft. I am actually over the weight limit for the ladders. I've just finished annual leave and start maternity leave on Saturday after working full time as a ward nurse. So I am shattered.

I've been asking DH to get the baby bits down now for over 6 weeks and they still aren't down, he got the Xmas tree and decorations and the 6-12month child clothes down but not the 0-3months/Moses basket/new born bits ie the bits I will actually need.

He works less than 20 hours a week and all we do is argue because I want to have the bags packed for hospital and still need to wash and dry the baby clothes. Apparently I'm not giving him time to himself/to do what he wants.

If I'm honest this is the latest thing in a long and ever growing list of things that I'm pissed of about.

I had to miss my friends leaving party (worked with her for 4years)as we didn't have money apparently but he was able to go out drinking with his mates.
Missed my bosses leaving meal as he wanted me to move all my shifts that week around, despite my shifts being done a month in advance, because he needed to cover a shift at work. So I was to tired to go to the meal after a 12 hour shift and then do another 12hour shift the following day.

Now he told me that is works Xmas meal is on our due date which he is going to, I know baby won't arrive on due date but I'm getting tired of this.

He lies to me under the pretense of "not wanting to stress me out" We haven't seen his step-m and df for 2.5 years since they took dc1 for a weekend trip and lied about where they were taking her. They told us that they were going to visit a household relative who hadn't met dc1but in fact they took her too see family who we are nc with for various reasons. OH then got dc1 to lie to me for weeks about what she did and who she saw. No apology from the in laws.

Well in laws got in contact, I asked OH if them visiting could wait until after dc3 arrives as I'm struggling at the moment and I'm facing a difficult delivery (vaginal birth after two c-sections) so lots of appointments and meetings to get to attempt a normal delivery.
The next thing I know he is making arrangements for last week and when I objected it ended up in a three day row where he lied to my face multiple times.

SusanIvanova Tue 02-Dec-14 18:20:47

YANBU and as nicely as possible LTB.

Sn00p4d Tue 02-Dec-14 18:31:58

Ooft he's an arsehole. I don't know what to suggest, I sincerely hope he has some redeeming quality that you haven't mentioned otherwise I have no idea why you are with such a waste of space?!
Good luck with the birth, I hope you have supportive friends and family around you!

Discopanda Tue 02-Dec-14 18:32:09

YANBU he's being a tw*t, if I were you I'd put laxatives in his coffee.

Putthatonyourneedles Tue 02-Dec-14 18:36:56

Ooops hadn't finished, popping out to buy more baby clothes is kind of out of the questions as I've paid all the bills this month (as I always do)

He doesn't see an issue with withholding things from me (apparently it's not lying) as it's done to stop me getting upset.

His work mate popped round yesterday to disconnect the cooker, he is lovely and I have no issues with him but he told me that OH has been telling him and a girl at work private things in detail about our relationship, sex life and to others at his work (5 or 6 people in total) about my mental health issues. I'm mortified as I wouldn't tell a lot of the things this friend mentioned knowing to even my closest friend. (I know he has to talk to someone, not objecting to that but telling multiple people about my mental health when only two out of three of my bosses know)

How the hell do I show my face at his workplace (shop I visited frequently)?

I'm just so tired and stressed out with all of this that I'm just not enjoying what is planned as my last pregnancy.

Shootthemoon Tue 02-Dec-14 18:38:56

shock I'm so sorry you feel you need to ask!

From what you say, your DH is BVU all the way. There would be no need to 'nag' if he actually just did something that is necessary. He's being a dick.

I think you know that though. Is he always like this or just when you are stressed, tired, and vulnerable?

QuietsBatmobileLostAWheel Tue 02-Dec-14 19:09:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Putthatonyourneedles Tue 02-Dec-14 19:22:43

Snoop4d, I've got two good friends from work but they both have a hell of a lot going on in their lives so I'm trying not to load too much on them. No family,toxic mother. He is good with the kids.

Disco panda, I have access to some at work that would turn him inside out.

Shootthemoon,it's always been there I think but it's definitely got worse recently, combined with me getting pregnant and him working at this new place. The housework is slipping as I'm so tired and to be honest it doesn't bother me as much as him. The kids are fed balanced meals ,in clean clothes, homework done for the eldest (10), youngest is played with(2). Ok I haven't mopped the floors, hoovered or dusted. The dishes are done when I'm able to (morning sickness plus no one scrapes their plates).

And you know what I'm angry, angry that I've had to do the maternity appointments on my own, I've had to battle with crap midwives(now changed), consultant appointments where I've been told that myself,the baby or both have a high chance of dying if I go through with this vba2c (in front of my 10yo), the stress and research I've had to do on my own.
The 2yo is particularly challenging, hitting,not sleeping until 11pm and the normal 2yo battles.
I mean there are days when I just sit and cry when he has gone to work, I cannot go back on antidepressants.

And then he has the cheek to moan that I don't want to dtd ever when all he does is talk about one bloody girl at work and how she and the other girls rate him etc. When all I want is him to come home and ask how I am, how the baby is and to put his bloody phone down (another bloke who takes it every where even to the toilet)

Shootthemoon Tue 02-Dec-14 19:28:44

OP, if I could, I'd give you a cup of tea and a hug.

You deserve to be angry. You obviously feel that he is controlling and selfish. He certainly sounds it.

There will be wiser women here who can help you. Why don't you post on Relationships instead of AIBU? No one in her right mind will say YABU.

Maybe Women's Aid can help advise you. I guess you have to figure out why on earth you keep him around if he helps with nothing, is financially and emotionally abusive, and minimises your feelings. Do you really want your children growing up thinking that's a normal relationship?

Honestly, please try the Relationships board instead.

DoJo Tue 02-Dec-14 19:35:13

Honestly - do you think your life is easier with him in it, or would it be a relief if he weren't? Because your list of things that he does are all pretty poor individually, but added together they suggest that he is an immature, selfish and thoughtless person. You are about to have a baby, and he is prioritising his 'down time' over helping you to prepare? You are carrying his child and he is running off to work to have his ego boosted by a girl that he imagines fancies him? He's moaning that you aren't that keen on sex when he can't even ask you how you are feeling? He sounds like such a wanker I don't really know what to say.

Mulligrubs Tue 02-Dec-14 19:38:47

Does he have any redeeming features? Because he sounds like a total waste of time. If also ask for this to be moved to relationships board, lots of very wise posters on there. I am sorry I can't be of more help.

ChickenMe Tue 02-Dec-14 19:40:01

Oh God he sounds like one of those over grown children. What an absolute baby.
Toxic mother is a bit of a flag as in a reason for him apparently having zero respect for the mother of his three children.
All I can think is, when you're calmer, sit down and think of your main grievances with him and confront him with them.

Ohfourfoxache Tue 02-Dec-14 19:47:42

Fucking hell sad

Erm, can I suggest you get this moved to relationships? Yanbu at all - he sounds like a first class tosser sad

Nanny0gg Tue 02-Dec-14 19:49:12

I'd get a friend to go in the loft (you shouldn't have to, but it saves stress).

I'd have the baby and then when things are settled down with the newborn I'd have a good, long think about what I wanted. And I'd start making plans for the future.

Cos something tells me you'd do fine on your own.

Putthatonyourneedles Tue 02-Dec-14 21:48:52

Erm redeeming features....he cleans, cooks occasionally, is good with the kids.

Chicken,its my mother who is toxic. His mother who he hadn't spoken to for a while manages to find time to message him on Facebook to slag me off, he doesn't defend me at all. When I've sat him down with the current issues it's always the same crap he brings up which is that I don't do this that or the other around the house, every bloody time. I can predict what he will say next.

Tonight is a classic example, I txt him at work to ask where he put the painkillers when he tidied up as my back is spasming again and got no response. He came home, got his tea,got his phone out and that's it. No how am I or how's my back.

I think i will have to wait until after baby arrives and my hormones settle down as I don't know paranoid from rational at the moment. Changing passwords on his email/Facebook, being glued to his phone even taking it to the bathroom, chatting/flirting to the girls at work, watching porn on pc when I was at work,

Putthatonyourneedles Mon 08-Dec-14 17:37:42

Update-finally on 06/12 the baby clothes and Moses basket made their way down from the loft. No sign of baby yet sad

King of the fuckwads(OH) went out to the works Xmas party last night,woke me up when he got in. This morning one if the girls from work has been whatsapping him pictures of herself in bed (in pjs/under covers) but I don't get why she would feel the need for this. confused

He spends more and more time on his phone on Facebook/whatsapp chatting to someone.

Ohfourfoxache Mon 08-Dec-14 17:44:47

Is this the same one he keeps talking about? sad

AdamLambsbreath Mon 08-Dec-14 17:50:45

Jesus, this guy is total wankshaft.

I'm sorry you've had to put up with this. It's not paranoia or hormones. It's that he's a twattish manchild.

Putthatonyourneedles Mon 08-Dec-14 17:54:10

Yep, it's driving me nuts. Best part was when he mentioned that he was going to go Xmas shopping with her to "get some ideas for me for Xmas gifts" as apparently me and her share interests. I admit i went batshit mental over that one. But apparently I misunderstood as he then claimed he was going to go with a group from work.

In the few minutes it took me to type this his phone has bleeped three times.
Maybe I am being paranoid but why else glue your phone to your side, rejoin Facebook (despite me asking numerous times before he started working there) change all your log in details to Facebook and email etc.

Ps-I've asked to have this topic moved to relationships

Ohfourfoxache Mon 08-Dec-14 17:57:46

Fucking hell. He really is a fuckwit, isn't he?

You're not being paranoid about this. This is not your hormones. But I think you know that.

DoJo Mon 08-Dec-14 18:22:53

You can't change him - you know that he is a shiftless wanker and you know that, even if he hasn't done anything with this woman, the thought is never far from his mind. Even if he's just getting an ego boost from having her contacting him, the thoughtlessness of doing this so blatantly when you are carrying his child and dealing with the side-effects of being pregnant.

I don't know how you are putting up with this OP, but save to say that when you are ready to take action, the good folks of MN will be here to cheer you on...

QuietsBatmobileLostAWheel Mon 08-Dec-14 18:47:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notagainffffffffs Mon 08-Dec-14 18:53:05

You need to kick his ass out. You know that.

JennyBlueWren Mon 08-Dec-14 19:21:48

I'm in a similar boat and have found that getting his sympathy works better than nagging.
DH has been out of work for a few weeks now (with good redundancy and some possible prospects so not economically bleak) and has been much slacker than I'd like on housework etc. I'm 29 weeks pregnant. Cot and moses basket was delivered but he left it in the dining room (and really in the way).

I nag and he gets defensive and we argue. I came home with a bag of shopping the other day and flopped down in my chair with a groan. He looked all concerned and I said how tired I was, my back hurt etc. He said to have a rest and went to make me a cup of tea (without being asked!!) and encouraged me to rest. "Ah, I would.." I said, "but I need to get clothes washed for work, and the dishes need doing..." "Oh I can do that" said DH and did!
I started trying to carry the big and heavy stuff upstairs with lots of groans and other noises and he looked very guilty and came and did it for me.

For financial reasons I want to try to work to 39 weeks but have pointed out that I can't do a full day's work and do work at home too. If I have to do the cooking/cleaning then I'll have to leave work sooner (after Christmas) and then we'd get short on money if he doesn't get a job soon enough. I've told him that everyone at work thinks he's so good for looking after me like he does (they don't -they think it's what I should expect!).

Try going for sympathy and see if it works.

MincePionaMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 08-Dec-14 19:32:30

Evening folks. We're going to move this thread to relationships in a moment at the OP's request.

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