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Meeting dad's new girlfriend - causing problems

(13 Posts)
LittleRedRidingHoodie Tue 02-Dec-14 13:54:31

My dad, late 60s, and mum announced two months ago they're getting divorced. No major shock. my mum recently had a two year affair during which my dad lost tonnes of weight leaving me and my sister thinking he had cancer.

My sister is devastated. She has found it really hard to accept all this. She still sees mum but I don't anymore (long story, we went non contact a while ago).

Last weekend dad tells us he has a new girlfriend and its 'quite serious' and he wants us to meet her. At the same time he doesn't want mum to find out because the divorce is going through and he thinks she will become difficult. At the moment mum and dad are still living together (!). Mum
Instigated the divorce and is apparently not seeing anyone.

My sister and I are both pleased that dad has met someone as mum has been making his life a misery for years.

LittleRedRidingHoodie Tue 02-Dec-14 13:57:34

My sister really doesn't want to meet the new girlfriend because a)it's all too much for her b) she feels as about being asked to keep it a secret.

Dad is desperate for us all to meet. He talks about 'we' and 'us' all the time in relation to his new gf. He clearly thinks it has a future, and I hope it does, but as far as we know it's early days.

I suppose im asking a few questions - how can I support dad without upsetting my sister? Should I be putting my sister first as she's so upset and dad seems fine? What's 'the done thing' in these situations?

Hissy Tue 02-Dec-14 13:57:54

so what is the problem then?

none of this is your worry, you have NC with the DM, and your DF is happy.

stay WELL out of it and be happy

kinkyfuckery Tue 02-Dec-14 13:59:31

He should not be asking you to keep it a secret.

He split from your mum 2 months ago. How serious can this new relationship be? Is it possible it is in 'revenge' for her affair?

How long is the divorce likely to take? Can't he wait until afterwards to introduce the new girlfriend?

Hissy Tue 02-Dec-14 14:00:52

These people are all adults. let your DSIS talk to her father about this. Tell your Dsis that you appreciate her nerves, but that you have come to terms with the situation long ago and whatever he decides to do is fine with you and when she has come to terms with it all, she will too. she is clearly still frightened of her DM.

as long as your dad is not making stupid decisions that could affect him financially etc, then let him live as he wants to.

ivykaty44 Tue 02-Dec-14 14:01:46

I would explain to your sister that you can understand her not wanting to get involved St the moment with your dads new relationship...but that doesn't mean you can't meet dads new girl friend as your relationship with your dad is also just as important as your relationship with your sister and you want to support both of them

LittleRedRidingHoodie Tue 02-Dec-14 14:06:15

It is possible it's a 'revenge' affair and that its been going on longer than he's told us. He says the divorce will take 'several months' and when I suggested if it's so important it's a secret that we'd be best meeting her after the divorce is sorted.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant. He told me that the new gf 'can't wait to cuddle my baby' and she has given dad some photos of herself to show me and my sister to 'help us.' Dad has reassured us that she won't become 'our new mum.' All this is a bit much. We are both in late 30s - not toddlers!

Dad is clearly full of the jollies of new love which is nice but I'm wary for him. Some of you must have been in this situation - what should I bs bracing myself for?

LittleRedRidingHoodie Tue 02-Dec-14 14:08:18

I think my sister would find it hard if I met her. She is my priority. We are very close and she's supported me when no one else has. If it came to it I would choose her side, but I hope that's s bit melodramatic!

Hissy Tue 02-Dec-14 14:10:57

Tell your dad to back off with the blending of families though, it'll come from you, not from him and not from her either. If he forces it, you'll go NC with him too and he'll lose it all. The photos thing is weird and he needs to know this.

if he is worried about the ex, I agree telling him to keep things on a low profile until the decree absolut comes through is the best option. insist on it.

Ultimately it doesn't matter why he is with this woman, if it's a revenge affair or whatever, he's owed it by the looks of it.

LittleRedRidingHoodie Tue 02-Dec-14 14:34:49

Yes hissy - I don't really mind or care why he's with her, that's not my place. I'm pleased he's happy. I'm wary for him but he's a grown man and hasn't asked my opinion.

The photos thing is weird (studio posed photos too). I'm also not over the moon about her being excited to hold my baby when I've not even met her myself yet. I am fine with dad having a gf but I'm not fine about a stranger assuming the role of 'granny.' Shudder.

Hissy Tue 02-Dec-14 14:47:40

hmm, tell him (and her) to back off a bit, that they need to be sensitive and not make other people lie or feel uncomfortable for them.

the studio shots are probbly for her online dating profile wink

heyday Tue 02-Dec-14 14:54:57

Personally I would tell your father that you are pleased for him but at the moment you really don't want to meet his new GF. If you love your sister and want to support her then I think you should agree not to meet his gf for now. Tell your sister that you are pleased for your DF and that you will meet his gf once the divorce has come through as then the whole ridiculous and unfair scenario of keeping secrets won't be relevant. This relationship might be a flash in the pan and therefore it won't matter if you don't meet her or else it's a long term relationship and if so, then you will have plenty of time to get to know her in the future.

Laquila Tue 02-Dec-14 14:57:32

I tHink that really all you can do is tell your dad that you're really pleased that he's met someone and is happy, but that given that he doesn't want you or your sister to mention the gf to your mum, and given that he still lives with your mum, you think it'd be most appropriate to wait until the divorce is finalised before meeting. You can say that you're looking forward to getting to know her, but that you just don't think the time is right yet. Good luck!

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