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Depression, kissing and betrayal

(17 Posts)
Lotsofponies Tue 02-Dec-14 11:00:34

Hi - I usualy lurk not post, but really need to get this out. Not sure what I am hoping to hear or if just posting will help. Sorry its so long.

I have been with my OH for 18 years, we have had a fantastic relationshing. Loving, communicative and supportive. When baby 3 was born 2 1/2 years ago, he was and is still not a sleeper. At this time we also moved and my partner was was relocating his business, he got in his head that he needed it done before the bay came. He then became more distant and working more and more. We have had some lovely moments, holidays, the odd weekend away but I thought we were both on the same page that we were together in the daily treadmill of work and tiredness and that it would improve when the kids got older.

About 6 months or so ago things started to get worse, classic signs of depression from my OH, distant, not wanting to partake in his hobbies (he is a classic motor bike nut), snappy irritable, working crazy hours. I suggested several times he might be depressed but he wouldnt have it. In Sept OH brother got married in Finland, it coincided with the first week back at school so it was decided he would go and I would stay home. He then decided to do it as a road trip with his sister, driving the van but taking his classis bike to do some parts of the journey - I thought great, he is showing some enthusiasm in something, even though it meant being home alone with a broken arm and two under 5's and 3 horses for best part of a week. Unfortunately his beloved bike blew up on route so when he got there he was devastated.

When he got back he was much worse, I presumed it was the disapointment of his bike trip and tiredness of a 28 hour drive. The next day he learned his Grandma had pancreatic cancer, but as the weeks went on he was being positively vile towards me. On 1st Nov we had a showdown and I said 'Why are you with me?', if you want to go then do the manly thing and go, Do you even want to be with me? do you love me. His reply to everything was 'I DONT KNOW'. I asked him if there had been someone else, he went quiet and said in Finland he had met someone he liked but nothing happened. Later in the day he said he had talked to this girl for an hour and when she went to leave she kissed him, he said he was shocked at first but responded, then broke away and said I can't so this. The next day he said after he had broken off the kiss he walked her to the door to her taxi and kissed her again. He said he knew he shouldn't, in his head he was thinking 'I don't do this sort of thing', but for some reason kissed her again, he said it was a fairly passionate snog, he said he felt 'stirrings' and that seemed to snap him out of it and he apoligised and said sorry I cant do this and walked away. He was completely drunk (unusual for him), apparently he had the best part of a bottle of single malt whiskey.

In my rage I facebooked her and she basically said 'so what', it was just a drunken snog with a man I thought was single, your relationship problems are not my issue (true) so I think I believe that is all there was to it. He said he was sure he had talked about me and the kids though.

He said he was devastated by what he had done and was going to tell me straight away, but couldn't find the right time, he felt certain that I would not forgive him and that would be the end of our realtionship, when he did tell me he was shocked at how devasted I was hence drip feeding the details to me. He understands that by doing this he has made it so much worse as he was lying.

He has seen the doctor for his depression and is receiving councellng, we are also doing relate councelling together. He says he knows loves me but at that time he couldnt see past his dark hopeless feelings and the thought that I would never forgive him.

He can't realy explain why he kissed the girl, he said she was young and pretty, but not exceptional and certainly not as attractive as me, he was flattered by her attention but mainly it was the fact that it was 'wrong' and not what 'he - Good Mark' would do, he siad being 'good Mark' was like bing in a dark hole and he wanted to secape. Sometimes I think I understand, then irrational me thinks he must have wanted her more to risk our whole livfe for just a snog.

Its been a month now, I am calming down and feeling more rational. In the first week I had a massive panic attack and collpased at work and had a short course of diazepam to get me through. I now have that Humiliation to cope with too.

I don't know what was worse, him saying he didn't know if he loved me or the thought that he had strayed, albeit in a minor way. He realy is trying hard, which must be difficult when he is also trying to face up to his depression.

Our family is being supportive but I sort of feel that Mark is the victim, he is the one with depression and I am the baddie overreacting to 'just a drunken snog'. I can't describe to them how much this has hurt me. I see a future for our relationship, sex has certainly been great but will I ever get rid of this gnawing anxiety of 'does he realy love me?' 'Am I good enough?' 'Is it because she was younger (she is 26 I am nearly 42) and prettier?. I also worry about being able to let this go and not pushing him away.

If anyone has been through the same I woulsd love to know how you coped. Many thanks

bouffanteh Tue 02-Dec-14 11:24:33

Didnt want to read and run.
I havent been through the same, something nowhere near the same (messages not actual meeting up) and it ripped me to pieces. At no point were they flirty from him but I still cant get over the betrayal of my partner messaging another woman behind my back .
But that is the kind of person I am and even that is unacceptable in a relationship imo (they were flirty from her stance, he was being polite at best).
It depends how you view these things. For me would be an utter deal breaker - not that I couldnt forgive, perhaps I could but I wouldnt be able to ever get it out of my head.
Be careful of him becoming the victim here, as far as i can see the only one in the wrong IS him.....

Lotsofponies Tue 02-Dec-14 11:34:40

Its family who seem to think that Mark is the victim, not Mark painting himslef as the victim. Mark said he realise as soon as he had done it that he had ruined everything and that nothing would ever be the same again. I did ask why he even told me when on one new or would ever find oiut and he said he wouldn't have been able to live with the guilt.

Daisywheel7 Tue 02-Dec-14 14:23:22

Hi Lotsofponies, it must be hard for you with 3 children including one under 3 and trying to help and support your partner who is depressed.
I think it is a lot! And now the betrayal!
It must feel like a kick in the teeth!
I think it has happened because he seems very confused at the moment, lots of changes and hard work and not much fun!
It's life!
Sometimes especially when the children are young parents have a tough time! And on top of it he might be suffering from depression.
Why don't you ask him to leave for a few days if it's possible to give you a bit of head space?
Time also for him to think about what he did!
On the long run it might just have been a stupid drunken mistake but it is important he stops and thinks about what he is doing and what he really wants ? He has to realise that he can't just hurt and disrespect you like that, he needs to grow up!
Good luck, you are doing great x

heyday Tue 02-Dec-14 14:31:22

Life's journey can sometimes take us down some twist and turns.
Your OH has had a major wobbly. Perhaps he was in the midst of a mid life crisis, feeling overwhelmed by long term relationship, life, his business and a new child. I am not excusing his behaviour at all but we are all capable of going off at a tangent at times in our lives.
He was having a bit of a crisis and suddenly someone attractive flattered him and he succumbed to the temptation. It sounds like he genuinely wants to be with you and is probably shocked at how good Mark had, in the blink of an eye, become bad Mark. He has rocked your world and put a lot of stress on the relationship. Nobody can foresee the future but perhaps you can, in time, put this sad episode behind you. Trusting someone again after they have hurt you deeply is a very tough call. It takes time and involves a deep sense of vulnerability.
Try to communicate with each other. Tell him you are trying hard to forgive and forget but that you are struggling. Then try to focus on the good aspects of your life and relationship. If you keep bringing this up then it will finally destroy your relationship. Believe that he wants to be with you, I doubt he would be trying to make it work if he didn't. He has been weak and has hurt you. I hope that you can, in time, work through this difficult time. Just take one day at a time.

heyday Tue 02-Dec-14 14:33:28

And I can only re iterate what Daisy has said...... You are doing great, so stand tall and be very, very proud of yourself.

Lotsofponies Tue 02-Dec-14 15:05:16

I am trying to be rational, most of the time I can cope, and the bad days are outweighed by good. Its worse when I am out and about. I look at other peole and wonder 'has this happened to you?' , 'is it just me?', do other depressed peopel go about snogging other womem. I am so shocked becasue this is so not him. One of my close single friends said she not only felt sad for me, but also herself because Mark always gave her hope that there are decent fellows out there. Even his best mate had to sit down to take it in. Very out of character.

Sickoffrozen Tue 02-Dec-14 16:38:45

There will be lots of people on the streets who this will have happened to and many of them won't even know it.

My exh was one of these reliable types to but it didn't stop him and he left me for someone else, something I never thought he would do.

You can come back from this but only if you want to. I think many women's default is to think we must make this work above all else. Mine was too!

Lotsofponies Wed 03-Dec-14 10:05:21

I do want to come back from this, I think he is worth it. He instigated all the counceling and has been trying so hard to be calm and give me all the answers and information I require, though it is clearly distressing for him. I am getting to the point now where I can talk about it quite freely without feeling anxious, I am hoping that means I will perhaps be able to accept and move on soon. The two other significant relationships in my life were bad and involved lots of infidelity so I expect this is why this hurts so much as it has opened up all the 'old' feelings, the counceling we have received has been quite useful for this too.

Saywhaaaa Wed 03-Dec-14 11:11:03

Why didn't he initiate all this counselling before he stuck his tongue down a 26 year olds throat? You said he was vile to you for ages before this too. He's so depressed that he tries to woo other women? Hmmm not buying this. Now he's getting all this attention from you trying to pander to all his problems (when you have been wronged). Sounds like another family man, bored and wanting excitement, woe is me and taking everything for granted type. This just shows what he's capable of IMHO.
Be careful and don't get lost in the I must only think of him and his needs.

Daisywheel7 Wed 03-Dec-14 11:24:28

It seems your partner is trying hard to save your relationship. That's good and promising.
I have problems with trust myself so I see how devastating it must be for you right now to revisit those hurtful feelings. Maybe see if as well as your OH you too might need some professional help in order not to overload your present predicament with old unresolved issues.
I think you are both moving in the right direction smile

Lotsofponies Thu 04-Dec-14 12:35:21

Sayhhaaaaa - harsh but nothiong I haven't asked myself. Re the depression, he wouldnt accept he was depressed until after the event, both me and his Mum (a retired nurse who has worked in mental health) had tried to broach the subject. After DD I told him to F off and he stayed at his Mums for a few days, she persuaded him to go to the GP. When the GP told him he accepted it, she also mention mid life crisis! He then organised the councelling as he is desperate to fix it, prior to this he was fixated that the only way to resolve poutr problems was to work harder and make more money.

Re the vileness. I have always said if he was ever unfaithull ion any way shape or form that would be it. He said he kinew he had to tell me, the guilt was overpowering but he couldn't because he didn't want it to be over. He said he just could play happy families and pretend it was all OK when he knew what he had done.

Re the wooing another woman, he siad he was just having a 'pleasant' conversation with the girl and it was nice to have the attention. He didn't think he was 'chatting her up and it was not his intent, which is why he was so shocked/suprised when she kissed him. The time scale was minutes and the excitement of being 'bad' was an escape from feeling so sad and hopeless.

I suffered depression when I had my oldest daughter 23 years ago and can identify with those feelings, I did destructive, stupid things just to 'feel' something.

Re attention, I am thinking very hard about things and trying to make sure that I make the right descision. He is the one trying desperately to make amends. Its his family who seem to expect me just to forget about the kiss because of his depression, he has never once used it as an excuse, but he acknowledges it may have been a factor, along with being stupidly drunk for why he made such a bad choice.

You are absolutely right though, it shows exactly what he or anyone is capable of, the problem is not to allow those thoughts to shadow the rest of your life.

mariposaazul Thu 04-Dec-14 12:59:34

Yes - a huge proportion of people are capable of an premeditated drunken kiss. A much smaller number of people are capable of the lying, dissembling & subterfuge of carrying on an affair over time.
They may be on some sort of continuum but are clearly not the same. Is it really worth leaving your marriage over this? Only you can decide.

mariposaazul Thu 04-Dec-14 13:00:38

Sorry - that should be unpremeditated - kindle always thinks it knows best!

Quitelikely Thu 04-Dec-14 13:08:51

Given the length of time you have been together, his behaviour towards you during that time, the fact you have young DC and his depression I think I would let this go.

People aren't perfect and he obviously got caught up in the moment. I'm not defending him but depression can do awful things to people and rob them of their ability to feel love and joy. I know others will say well I had depression and didn't cheat but that was you this is someone else.

Also I think he has had the wake up he needed and is now on the road to recovery.

I think the fact he only kissed her is significant as soooooo many other men would have taken it further if given that chance.

Saywhaaaa Thu 04-Dec-14 16:22:21

There you go then, you've just cleared it all up for yourself! You can get over it and obviously want to, so keep moving and do all you can to get past it.
I wish you well. Sorry if I sounded harsh, I'm just die hard loyal to people I love and can't abide disloyalty.

Lotsofponies Fri 05-Dec-14 15:17:53

Satwhaaaa, I didn't mean to be critical, harsh is good. If some one had said to me 5 weeks ago "What would you do if your partner kissed another woman?" My response would have been exactly the same as yours. He knew my views and also that I demand total honesty. Hence his dilema, lie or risk loosing me, betrayal either way.

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