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Uneasy about SDs older BF and Christmas

(29 Posts)
rocket74 Mon 01-Dec-14 17:13:42

Please help me work out what to do with this Xmas dilemma.
My 16 yr old SD moved out of her mums home back in September and in with her boyfriend in a shared house with all friends/artist types etc (I am also an arty type so not a dismissal)
The problem I have is that the ‘boyfriend’ is 27 years old. She met with the group when she was 15 and doing her GCSE’s.
Neither her mum or her dad (my DH) were thrilled about this – but her mum is friends with his mum which makes it ‘ok’.
She flunked her GCSES for several reasons despite her teachers anticipating A’s etc. but I don’t think that hanging out with a new exciting older group of people could have helped.
I just feel really uneasy about this 27 year who I admit I have not met – but my mind is just jumping to phrases like ‘predatory paedophile’, ‘grooming’ or at the least ‘stupid immature fuckwit who should have backed off and stayed away from a 15 year old girl
No matter how he felt about her’.
Apparently he comes across as being about 19 rather than 27 – but this doesn’t change the facts for me.
She is now living with him – and by accounts from DH – is spending weekends helping him with his ‘work’ etc when she should be trying to get back on form doing her 2 A-levels – not the 3-4 she could be capable of.
This man has done his schooling, his degree, finding out who he is and what he wants to do – but I just feel this set up is stifling her finding out what she could be achieving by herself and she will get wrapped up in his life and not achieve her own goals.
She is very attractive, a talented dancer and artist, and when I saw her recently she looked unwashed, unkempt, wearing an old purple coat of her mums. Its like she was trying to disappear.
SD is hoping to come to us for Christmas day (totally fine and good) – but she wants to bring BF and I really don’t want him to come for the following reasons

1. I have not met him
2. He has not been invited
3. Her Nanna is mortified by it and would be uncomfortable with him being there
4. I want to grill the fuck out of him about what the fuck he is intending and what the fuck a 27 year old man is doing with a 16 year old child.
5. I will be stressed enough with 2 young kids 2 and 5, 2 mothers and cooking for all
6. I have a shit relationship with SD
7. DH is afraid of losing DD
8. I am worried I will be charmed by him and my gut instinct will fail and I will be ‘ok then’
9. I am not her mother so it is none of my business but I don’t want to give the message ‘its ok’
10. If in ten years she comes back with ‘why did you let me go with him’ I want to be able to stand and say ‘ I did not’
11. If in ten years they are still together and happy then I will be happy for her – so long as she hasn’t lost herself along the way (as mentioned above)

Do I just suck it up and go with it no matter how much my skin crawls, or make a stand and say no to BF?
I know this will lead to a massive row with DH but I just need some advice, mental back up before I raise it as something I am extremely uncomfortable with.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Dec-14 17:42:00

Tricky. I can see why you would not want to be playing Happy Families with someone like this but, at the same time, every nerve in my body is saying... keep her close and keep him closer. You can't stop her making what sounds like a huge mistake but, if you push this guy away, chances are she will leap to his defense and he'll become all the more attractive. Then you're sunk

Is there any opportunity to meet this man before Christmas, preferably on neutral ground? Tell SD that you'd like to meet him before subjecting him to the family perhaps? Or schedule them for Christmas Eve so that, if it goes badly wrong, you can show him the door?

ThirdPoliceman Mon 01-Dec-14 17:49:38

Oh Cogito is so wise.

Keep her close and keep him closer.

This is exactly what I would do.

Windywinston Mon 01-Dec-14 20:12:44

It's not unreasonable not to want someone you've never met round your Christmas table, but I agree with Cog, you need to keep her close.

Can you say yes he can come, but only if she arranges a time for you to meet him first, ideally a couple of weeks in advance (though realistically time is running out).

He may be an immature 27 year old, but having sex with a minor (though I see she is now 16) would still make him a paedophile in the eyes of the law. However, I suspect if anyone reported him they would both deny anything happened before her 16th birthday.

ChangeOfNN Mon 01-Dec-14 20:22:31

I agree with the above - keep your enemies closer.

Also, she's living with him. You can't realistically expect them to be separate on Christmas Day. I hate to think of her losing her sense of self like that.

cuddybridge Mon 01-Dec-14 20:35:18

My DD brought home her 30 yr old boyfriend the week before her 18th birthday as she wanted to invite him to her party and realised that we would freak if we hadn't met him. He turned out to be a lovely chap with a 4 year old, not ideal, they were together for 3 years, but have now split up.
I too would suggest meeting beforehand, but if she's being seeing him a while, I don't think its up to the family (nana or you) to be disapproving, as she will be more not less likely to go with the Bf, and you are the adults here.

TrendStopper Tue 02-Dec-14 11:17:29

I don't the age gap here is a problem. You are judging someone who you have never met. Why don't you invite him over & get to know him. He might be a really nice guy.

My sister met her dp when she was 15 & he was in his 30s.They have been happy for decades. I don't think it is weird, creepy or sleazy.

rocket74 Tue 02-Dec-14 11:48:44

Sorry Trendstopper but I do find the age gap really wrong at this stage in her life. She was 15 when they met - what on earth does a 27 year old man want from a child? Acting mature for her age and actually being mature with some life experiences under her belt are two very different things. Maybe he is a lovely guy but he has made no attempt to meet my DH or anyone other than her mum. He took SD hitch hiking in the summer without telling anyone.
How young would he go? What is the cut off?
He has convinced her to move in with him with no thought as to how she will pay her way. She even had to ask her Nan for her savings just to pay her bloody rent. That money (not a great amount) is for Uni or a life event not paying rent when she has a bedroom at home. Her nan refused.
He should bloody cover her share.
I Will discuss with DH about them coming over before Xmas although our house is so chaotic that dinner never happens before 9. It's DHs place to ask the questions but I certainly have a few - mainly about her education and her future.

cuddybridge Tue 02-Dec-14 13:05:43

I think you are completely overreacting, and as a result will alienate your SD. I also really don't think you should be even thinking about discussing your SDs education with her BF, its nothing to do with him.

If it needs discussed it should be with SD.

Please remember the more fuss you make the more she will be determined he's her soul mate for ever, she's a teenager out to shock you, and its working.

I appreciate you find the age gap difficult, but actually although its not usual, its not uncommon either, but this relationship is not about ages, its about 2 people.

JohnFarleysRuskin Tue 02-Dec-14 13:12:00

I don't think she's over-reacting at all.

I'd be gutted if this was my daughter.

But yes, I agree with pretending not to be gutted and keeping all doors/options open. Don't push her into him or force her to chose.

Quitelikely Tue 02-Dec-14 13:23:44

I would absolutely hate this situation but I would not let dd know. Nooooo. I would ask to meet him ASAP just so I could get the measure of him in all honesty. I would be super nice to him and let slip how important dd education is, he'd know right? Given he went to uni etc

Keep him sweet and my bet is he will try to keep you onside, then hopefully the relationship will burn out or he will meet someone his own age and go away.

Windywenceslas Tue 02-Dec-14 13:32:02

I don't think you're overreacting either, but I agree that you all need to tread carefully.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask to meet someone first if you're expected to host them for Christmas. I'd do that whatever the age of the BF.

zippey Tue 02-Dec-14 13:42:52

A 27 year old having sex with a 15 year old doesn't make him a pedophile.

Id say Cogitos advice is spot on. Don't push her away. Its her life and she needs to make her own mistakes. He might actually be a lovely guy and they might be a couple for a long time.

badbaldingballerina123 Tue 02-Dec-14 14:03:07

27 and 15 !!!!

I can't believe some people think this is ok.

Windywenceslas Tue 02-Dec-14 14:08:40

Zippey, in the eyes of the law it does make him a paedophile. Sex with a minor is paedophilia.

That said, he may not be predatory and it may be a case of two people falling in love despite their respective ages.

lostincumbria Tue 02-Dec-14 14:55:14

Nowhere does the OP day that they had sex when she was 15.

zippey Tue 02-Dec-14 14:55:36

No Windy, technically a pedophile is someone who is sexually attracted to pre-pubescent children, so usually 11 or under, but up to the age of 13. So he wouldn't be classed as a pedophile in the eyes of the law.

He could be done for statutory rape though.

We don't really know the circumstances, but there are plenty of relationships which have big age differences and survived and flourished.

nicknack9510 Tue 02-Dec-14 15:08:24

While not exactly the same circumstances, I knew a 17yo who got with a 28 yo and nearly 20 years on they are happily married with 3 children.

Needless to say, her parents were not happy at the time but they had the sense not to fight against it and just ensured that they maintained their relationship with their daughter.

I would agree with pp's that without meeting him you can't judge and that keeping them both close is the best option. Worst case scenario this is a potentially abusive situation and the last thing you want is to push your SD away, leaving her with no one to turn to.

Windywenceslas Tue 02-Dec-14 15:53:19

Not according to the Sex Offenders Act 1997 it isn't it's someone over the age of 18 having sexual relations with someone under 16z

Windywenceslas Tue 02-Dec-14 15:57:02

Like I said, it may simply be a case of two people falling in love despite their ages and they could make each other very happy. However, I think the OP is right to be concerned and want to get to know the BF, I can't see what's so controversial about that, I really don't.

zippey Tue 02-Dec-14 16:22:12

Wendy - he wouldnt be a pedophile if he had sex with her when she was 15 - he could be done for statutory rape, and be a sex offender, but not a pedophile. Pedophile = under 11.

Anyway, there is no actual evidence that he had sex when she was 15. And I agree with your last sentence. Have some concern, be on your toes, get to know the guy, he might be ok.

JohnFarleysRuskin Tue 02-Dec-14 16:29:14

I know two age gap relationships like this that have gone the distance, but I wouldn't call them happy. In both cases, the younger woman missed out on so many things and has no confidence/work experience/education/money to leave in middle age. Ops fears are reasonable but cogs advice is good.

HerrenaHarridan Tue 02-Dec-14 16:31:25

Moving forward the best think you can do is be welcoming.

Cogito was spot on in her first post.

Also as another pp said if he thinks you like him he's going to want to keep you onside. Especially if the rest of the family are openly hostile.

She 16 if you push him away she will go with him.

violetwellies Tue 02-Dec-14 17:03:54

My mother would drive unsuitable men away by feeding them her -dreadful- cooking and asking them if their intentions were honorable..

SolidGoldBrass Tue 02-Dec-14 18:38:56

It's not a question of paedophilia: what men of the type this BF may be want is a woman young enough to think they are the most wonderful man in the world rather than one who considers herself an equal partner. (This is why a lot of artists/performers etc frequently have younger partners).
Hopefully your SD will outgrow him fairly quickly but until then I agree with the PPs who say, make the wretched man welcome rather than being openly hostiled even if he is horrible. You need to be able to keep the lines of communicaiton between SD and family open.

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