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dating for 2 months and now the ex wife wants him back

(51 Posts)
loubiethenewbie Mon 01-Dec-14 13:51:47

ive been seeing someone for 8 weeks, when i met him (on a dating site) he was separated - instigated by his ex wife, she filed for divorce..... all was going brilliantly well until around 4 weeks ago when she decided she wants him back.... when im with him now she is constantly calling - 100 times this weekend just gone, she has made all sorts of threats to herself and trying to speak to him saying one of their children has had an accident, just to get his attention.
She says she made a mistake ending their marriage - she firmly believes he will go back to her, ive no reason to doubt him when he tells me he wont, however the situation is driving me mad, i never wanted to end up with someone like this - at times i feel like the other woman..... if and when i meet his kids im sure they will see me as the adulterer due to what she says to them. He was married for 20 years, their marriage was the only relationship he had before meeting me.
thanks for reading ! any helpful words would be appreciated smile

CocktailQueen Mon 01-Dec-14 13:53:18

100 times in a weekend??! Wow. What does your boyfriend say about it? Sounds like he needs to switch his phone off and tell her in no uncertain terms not to harass him.

CheersMedea Mon 01-Dec-14 13:54:06

Life is too short. It's only been 8 weeks.

I would just end the relationship and move on. He'll probably go back to her and you'll save yourself a lot of heartache. Even if he doesn't, you are in for a rough ride.

Are you single yourself? No kids?

There are A LOT of men in the world. Throw this one back is my advice.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Dec-14 13:59:46

What you're really saying is that he put himself back in the dating game before tying up the loose ends. Please tell him to sort out his past in his own time and part ways. Dating is meant to be fun.

GoodKingQuintless Mon 01-Dec-14 14:01:32

It wont get any easier. Just move on.

HelpWhatCanISay Mon 01-Dec-14 14:06:24

20 years is a long time. She knows him better than you, and she thinks he will go back.

SlimJiminy Mon 01-Dec-14 19:10:25

I'd cut my losses and get rid tbh. WAY too much hassle after a measly 8 weeks - you're meant to be enjoying each other's company, having fun, etc, etc not worrying about harassment from exes and will-he won't-he go back to her debacles. Move on.

Viviennemary Mon 01-Dec-14 19:15:54

It's anybody's guess how this will turn out. If you want uncertainty and misery for months or even years to come then carry on. Of course you don't. So end it now.

LadyLuck10 Mon 01-Dec-14 19:25:05

I would leave tbh. Your 8 weeks on her 20yrs is nothing. He might go back to her, even if he doesn't there will be a lot of wavering on his part. Are you up for all of that?

Parasites Mon 01-Dec-14 19:32:59

If you really like him I'd tell him you don't want to deal with an ex like that and let him sort it out. She's prob just jealous and making trouble. (My DPs ex did this for a while when she found out about us.) the way he handles her will tell you if he's as into it as you.

If you're not that bothered id move on.

Don't have your life dictated by some crazy ex though. You need to be making decisions for you. That's just my tuppence worth.

Alternatively "park" it for a bit and then pick up when he's divorced...

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Mon 01-Dec-14 20:22:07

He's not free really, this will only end in tears.

dirtybadger Mon 01-Dec-14 20:29:09

End it. Maybe he can get in touch if you're both still single in a years time when the divorce has gone through, or whatever. But after 2 months this isn't what dating should look like.

missnatalie70 Mon 01-Dec-14 22:13:36

Send him back

DevonFolk Mon 01-Dec-14 22:16:25

Back off. Let him sort it out and if he still wants to be with you once he's divorced then fine. Like others have said, dating should be fun.

Lovingfreedom Mon 01-Dec-14 23:01:59

If he starts taking calls and texts from someone else when he's with you it's time to remember you left the oven on/want to catch the bank before closing time/have to meet a friend in need

MistressDeeCee Tue 02-Dec-14 02:11:19

All this, after 8 weeks? I guess its not his fault his ex-wife suddenly decided she wants him back (I wonder if she knows or suspects he is in a relationship now and thats what prompted her rethink?) but still - its too much to take on in the short time you've known him. This should be your fun and wonderful period with a new man, still feeling excited and getting to know him. You need to sit him down and tell him you are taking a step back so he can sort out his life. As others have said, he may very well go back to her no matter what he tells you. & even if he doesn't...staying with him will be a hassle for you as his ex-wife and her behaviour will be the spectre in your relationship. Really, its not worth the angst. Find someone who is free or if he has baggage - at least, not this much!

notmrscookie Tue 02-Dec-14 05:13:15

What sort of arrangements have been made regarding him seeing the kids? Do they have anything to deal with re house etc . I only ask as I am currently divorcing my ex and clearing out house etc whilst my stbxh does nothing and I have had to chase him to do \ give permission to get rid of thing or agree to pay for jobs . Is he still seeing kids etc or have they in her eyes been dropped for you ? As others say isd it worth the hassle .

Rebecca2014 Tue 02-Dec-14 06:09:44

How long were they split before you two got together?

PedantMarina Tue 02-Dec-14 06:24:00

OK, the mitigating factor of "this is only his second relationship" gives him one - ONE - extra chance in my book. But he needs it explained all of the above (this should be the fun times, baggage, etc). But, even if you factor out the wife-of-20-years angle, taking it down to simple civilised behaviour, somebody that distracted by anybody's calls/messages in the company of others is being a rude guest/host.

That's the nicest spin I can put on it. Less-nice is you (and ex-wife) might be facing the "Pick Me Dance" (Google chumplady).

AuntieStella Tue 02-Dec-14 06:28:46

Were you with him for the whole weekend?

I was wondering, because did you actually hear those 'hundreds' arrive (and or read/hear) their content. Or are you relying on his description of a crazy ex?

Frogisatwat Tue 02-Dec-14 06:59:52

Very good point auntie!

tigermoll Tue 02-Dec-14 09:31:50

Bear in mind that you only have his version of events to go on. I'm not saying that he's lying, but consider the following 'facts' he has told you:

She ended it, leaving him in no doubt that it was over.
Heartbroken, he picked himself up and bravely began internet dating a few weeks later
Now she has changed her mind and has GONE CRAZY with wanting him back
He's not very experienced with the laydeez on account of only having had two r/ships in the past. The poor innocent flower.

As well as possibly being true, they also are all things that a liar might tell you if he had hooked up with you whilst 'on a break' and wanting to retain access to your knickers.

Is there any way you can corroborate any of what he's told you?

loubiethenewbie Tue 02-Dec-14 09:43:26

hello all and thanks for your responses, which for the vast majority i agree with, he does see his DC's - she wants him to have them a lot (they are older teens) - he believes its so he is limited with his spare time.... ive not seen the majority of the texts - but he has read a few of them out..... she now knows he is involved with someone.
We do have a great fun time when were together and for 8 weeks have managed to spend a lot of time together.... weekends away etc - whole weekends, he makes plans for the future and it feels like we have been together much longer than 2 months. BUT i am very of how much this is taking its toll on him, how can he be emotionally available to me when he is so entrenched in trying to move on from his past.... and like some of you have said i run the real risk of him thinking its not worth it and going back to her, although he's promised he wont let me down. I believe he is really into me but im coming to the conclusion i need to give him space - time to sort himself out - emotionally and practically - divorce etc.
'If its meant to be it will work out' a friend said - i think this is right smile

Meerka Tue 02-Dec-14 09:47:36

If there is any future at all in this he needs to get a grip of his life within the next weekend.

That grip mainly means being decisive and determined. As in, deciding how to handle his maybe-ex and sticking to it. He needs to turn the bloody phone off, set up an email folder that her mails automatically go into, and decide what the hell he's going to do about the kids. She could start playing games with access and pressure etc etc from what you hint at.

All this will take time for him to get through to her that it's over. During that time he's not going to be in a position to really enjoy a new relationship. It's also going to be very difficult for anyone that he's seeing, inevitably, no matter how determined he is.

It doesn't sound like he's in a position to be dating right now.

If he can handle all that .... well, is it something you want to go through when you've only been seeing each other 8 weeks?

tigermoll Tue 02-Dec-14 09:55:26

she wants him to have them a lot

What, like 50 per cent of the time? Sounds reasonable

he believes its so he is limited with his spare time

Or cos his kids miss him. One of the two.

Doesn't he want to see his kids as much as possible? Even in your words (which are really HIS words, aren't they OP?) I'm afraid is he coming across as something of a bellend.

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