husband relocation to qatar .. help

[MoJo5]

I'm frightend. My husband is being made redundnant in July. He has tried several times at jobs in UK and Europe but no luck (he works for health service). He announced 2 weeks ago that he had applied for a job in Qatar. He had already had 4 interviews and in provision said yes.. without consulting me even to let me know he was applying for this role. I have three children aged 10, 6 and 2. I don't own anything as everything is in husband's name and we rent the house we live in. The two flats he owns with his brother are not in my name. He has one remaining interview in Qatar this Sunday coming. We both fly out for four days on Thursday. The problem is I just can't stand the thought of moving there and uprooting from UK. I am 43 and this is a nightmare situation for me as he is older than me and wants to retire to Spain after a 5 year stint earning meggabucks in Qatar. The situation is I feel scared I will have nothing to come back to in the UK as my mother is a hoarder and I haven't been allowed in her house for 15 years. What do I do? I will go with him to see Qatar but if he gets the job there is no way I want to uproot all to live there. Our kids are very happy here in UK and all my family and friends are here. I know I would be unhappy in Qatar with my personality and I would always be looking for an escape. So scared.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you're already adamant that there's no way you're going to Qatar I think you have to call off the visit and tell him that if he gets the job, he's going alone. He didn't consult you before applying and that was very wrong. Don't feel obliged to validate his actions any further.

[Quitelikely]

Could you not ask him if you could stay here and then have him fly home every month? And you and the dc go there in school holidays?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Ask? He 'announced'.... I think the OP is entitled to 'announce' that they are not going any further with this project.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What were his reasons for not informing you about provisionally saying yes without consulting you in the first place?. Or does he really not think that your opinion is actually worth anything.

I would tell him that your children and yourself are not relocating to Qatar and that if he does go, he will go alone.

[dreamingbohemian]

I totally agree with Cogito. He is not your master and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Especially if your children are happy in the UK, and especially given your precarious financial situation (do you work or have any income coming in?)

How do you feel about moving to Spain in five years? Or is that something else you're just expected to go along with?

[jakesmith]

He's either not cared about your opinion, which is really bad for sucha serious life decision, or for some other reason has done it secretively. I have to say it is not possible to tell which one from what you've written. Do consider this though - some people are so proud that they would be deeply ashamed at not being able to provide for their family, also he might not have wanted to jinx the application by telling anyone. On balance though he should have told you. It sounds from the way you describe his ambition to retire to Spain as though you weren't consulted / aren't too keen on that either?

No point you going out there with him to see what it's like if you have no intention of joining him - sends wrong signals and wastes your time. If you are even remotely open about considering it you could go & just see?

How would you feel about him living there alone and visiting / you visiting in holidays? That sort of lifestyle doesn't suit everyone but it does suit some.

If not then you need to have a frank and open talk. I wouldn't think that because assets aren't in your name that you don't have a claim to a share of them also.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW... as your post mentions quite a lot of things that are making you feel financially insecure, you might find it useful to talk to a lawyer about your financial rights within the marriage and also if it were to fail. The equity in the properties that he owns with his brother, for example, would probably be classed as marital assets. Even if you're not thinking about divorce, having this kind of information might give you more confidence to object to his one-sided plans.

[MoJo5]

I don't work.. well I have a freelance job from home but it is very sketchy.. ie they give me work when they feel like it and then I hear nothing for weeks on end. Plus the money is poor. I care for my three children. He didn't give me any reasons when he didn't consult me in applying for the job other than.." I was applying for loads of jobs .. i wasn't going to tell you about them all..
Regarding going to Spain in five years (when he retires or plans to retire) .. I really don't feel clear about that either. Infact my road isn't following his.
I will go for four days this Thursday cos he can't accuse me of not ''seeing for myself''. I pray he doesn't get the job. If he does it will be interesting to see what he does. Back down or take it. I have no intention of going there with the kids. But it will be really hard the separation as the kids love their father. Plus I'm not sure if he will turn nasty and not pay the rent of this four bedroom house that I fought to get in (and went behind his back 3 times to get it).. so I may have to live in the 2 bed small flat he owns singly with 3 kids but to hell with it I would rather live like that then in a huge house in Doha with maids.
My friends and family have said they will support me whatever I do..
This is throwing my life upside down .. I have stopped applying for jobs cos I just can't concentrate.

[MoJo5]

I have been trying to get a solicitor and it is very expensive. I contacted rights for women website advice line but it is permanently engaged. I have run out of time now to consult a solicitor before I travel on Thursday.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you think he'd turn nasty and refuse to pay the rent on the roof over your head then you've got bigger problems than a job relocation.

You keep saying you're frightened. There's more to this isn't there?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Were you trying to call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247?

[MoJo5]

I restate I am going to see for myself. At least he can't turn round to me and say I haven't tried to understand the culture there. Plus he is the father of our children and I have a right to know where he is and what it is like if we do separate/live in different countries etc for their sake as well as mine.
I know it was a difficult decision to make to go with him for four days but I know my decision to not go won't be changed by the exoticness and heat .. and feeding of golden cherries by dh's potential employers in the richest country in the world.

[mariposaazul]

That is a long lead in to being made redundant - which is good - but means its too early to apply for most jobs that will be available next July. Wondering why it all has to be decided now The only possibility I can think of is that its a very very senior job so money, where you can afford to live etc wouldn't be much of an issue.

[MoJo5]

I was trying to call rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/ their advice line for women in London is permanently engaged.
I could try Women's Aid.

I think the fear is that I would relocate there, uproot all.. and not be able to have a property to come back too in the UK. As the flats he has with is brother are rented and I can't go to my mother's house as she is a serious hoarder. Also the fear is that if I am unhappy there and want to come back I won't be able to bring my kids back.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's very one-sided. You don't think you're entitled to say 'no' unless you go on a wild goose chase to some other country for four days.... and even then you're frightened to say 'no' because you think you'll get shitty treatment and thrown out of your rented home out of spite. He doesn't seem to think he owes you so much as the courtesy of sharing his plans..... He may be the father of your children but surely it's up to him to bring the family along with him rather than emigrate and expect you to all meekly chase along behind.

It's not right on any level

[NettleTea]

Are you sure that its only for 4 days? Because in some countries, once you are in the ME you will need your husbands permission to leave, and also to take the children with you. please check this out, especially if you are frightened.

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

Consider also that if you relocate the children there, and you and your DH have problems, will you need his permission to take the children back to the UK?

[davejudgement]

Is he from Middle East

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I've read threads on here when not very good relationships moved abroad and the wife was left high and dry miles away from home, and unable to move back so just beware.

[LIZS]

if he takes this job will he not forfeit his redundancy package by leaving early ? Where will your dc be when you go on your visit ? Even if you are not named on the deeds to the flats you have a right to the asset if you are married. It makes little financial sense to have money tied up in buy to lets then rent yourself , unless his plans have always been transient.

[Vivacia]

Why on earth spend four days there? You can just say "no".

[MaybeDoctor]

I think that you might have more power here than you realise, because at the end of the day you can refuse to get on that plane.

I would be very wary of going at all and certainly not with your children.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

You do not need to see for yourself: you already know your answer. No. (I wouldn't go there either.)

[PoppyField]

What? He had four interviews for a job and didn't tell you until he got to the fifth one? This man has no respect for you. He is treating you like a mere chattel, a voiceless 'thing' not a person at all. Just say No. He has no right to expect you to follow him. What happened to equal partnerships? Or presumably he doesn't think you are equal partners - given what he has done.

You need to get angry with him. Properly angry. How dare he do this and think you're going along with him? You don't need to go for 4 days to get the moral high ground here - you've already got that! If you go on the trip and then refuse to move once he's got the job he will use it against you anyway. You know that. And you know you are not going with him if he gets this job so why go for a visit? It will blur your case and the very clear message that you want to get over. Just don't go. Vote with your feet. You will be hung on it anyway... if he gets the job and you refuse to move he'll say 'But you came to Qatar with me for a look-around! I thought you were on board and now you're the one going back on the deal!'

Why not just get it over with now by nailing your colours to the mast? You are perfectly within your rights to be totally unhappy about this. Don't wobble!

You have two options:

1. Refuse to go on this four day tour and demonstrate now that you will not be treated like this and you will absolutely not going to Qatar. He goes mental and accuses you of breaking up the family.
   
   
2. Go on the four day tour, he gets the job and then refuse to move with him. He goes mental, accuses you of leading him on and then breaking up the family.
   
   Either way, he is will refuse to see how wrong he is in this situation and he will completely blame you for whatever happens. I would go for 1) - it is totally honest and reasonable position and you make it clear from the get-go that what he has done is totally and utterly UNreasonable!

[PoppyField]

p.s. you do own stuff - you are married so, as a rule of thumb, you own half of everything.