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Am I wrong to want/expect to see my man more than just at weekends?

(40 Posts)
excitedbutscared Mon 01-Dec-14 00:13:53

Hi everyone.

Regulars here will know I have posted before about the struggles I've had with the relationship I am in, but things seem to have got a lot better and my DP has demonstrated a lot more commitment towards me and our relationship. I think his casual-ness approach to 'us' was because he was in a long-term relationship with someone who only moved out of their home about 2 or 3 months before our relationship began. I, on the other hand, had been single for about 3 years apart from a casual matey type relationship I had with someone I would regard as more of a friend.

I think I'm looking for outside, onlooker's thoughts on my current situation and maybe give me a reality check!

When we are together, he is completely doting, loving, seems completely genuine when he says he loves and adores me. In terms of commitment, he has planned for him and his daughter to come to mine for Christmas, has said he wants me to go with him to visit his family of the Christmas period and we have even just booked a 10 day holiday to The Maldives together! So I know he is serious and thinking long-term. We rode my motorbike to his house today to put it away for the winter and he talks about us going out riding together again in the spring time - so he is definitely thinking into the future.

We live about 35-40 miles away from each other and both have busy jobs. Here's the thing. We only seem to see each other at weekends. As early as we can on a Friday and I, or he, leaves the other on a Sunday afternoon to sort kids/work out for the next day.

We initially met in January, dated for about 3 or 4 months before we became 'exclusive' and we declared love for each other for the first time in July.

My thing is that I would like to see him more often than this. I suggested a month or so ago that we had a week day 'date night' where we would take it in turns to stay at one of the other's house. He seemed to happily agree provided he didn't have a difficult day with travel/work commitments the next day and we saw each other on the Wednesday that week. Since then, it hasn't happened. Every time he says he is shattered/stressed, or has to be in London the next day and needs to prepare etc. I do get this, but it would be nice if he made an effort to see me another night instead. I left his house this afternoon and he has not mentioned seeing me during the week at all and I don't know whether to bring it up. I seem to be the one to, once it gets to Tuesday evening, ask on the phone if we are seeing each other the next day and I feel I am starting to sound like a stuck record always with the same reply.

Am I asking too much at this stage? Being too needy? Or should he be making the effort to see me more than just at weekends? We haven't talked about the future in terms of living together or anything yet and I'm not too bothered really as I have two DD's that I couldn't just up-root and he needs to be near his work and his own DD. But, can our relationship progress the way it is? Should I just be happy with the wonderful, fantastic relationship we do have when we are together and look forward to the future? (although I don't know if his idea of the future is the same as mine!)

Thanks for taking the time to read this and respond. I find it so helpful to get all the different responses

JeanSeberg Mon 01-Dec-14 00:19:19

Weekends seems to be fine, given your current situation. Just enjoy it and the time it gives you to follow other interests.

LineRunner Mon 01-Dec-14 00:35:26

Can I ask, what happened on the Wednesday that you did see each other? Did you/he sleep over?

How would you go to his if you have young DCs?

I do sympathise - my OH lives about five minutes away and I didn't see him at all last week, during the week, owing to DCs / work / illnesses etc.

davejudgement Mon 01-Dec-14 00:43:23

Would you prefer to live with him all the time?

PlantsAndFlowers Mon 01-Dec-14 00:55:51

What you've got sounds fine to me. The thought of a week night 30 miles away would stress me out.

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 01-Dec-14 01:06:05

You met in January and both kept seeing other people till April, before you became exclusive? Did you shag before exclusivity?

A couple of questions...

1. Who approached whom first? The very first contact you ever had - was it you contacting him, or him contacting you?

2. Who asked whom to become exclusive?

3. In general, do you feel you're the one pushing this forwards? You say you usually call on Tuesdays. Are you also the one to suggest other dates, Christmas, meeting friends, etc? Do you text more than he does, call more, say ILY more? Is this what's getting to you, that you're the one keeping things moving?

What do you mean "drove my bike to his house to put it away"? Are you storing your bike at his house all winter? Why?

If you're worried, there's a really simple solution. Stop suggesting things. Don't stop seeing him, just stop initiating. Step back and see what he does on his own without any influence from you. That'll tell you how much contact he's happy with. If that's a different amount than you're happy with, maybe he's not the guy for you.

I think after almost a year, I'd want my bf to want to see me more than just weekends. But it sounds like it's been quite casual from day one really (not exclusive for 3/4 months).

Just don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to tread carefully so as not to scare him off. Finding a nice relationship shouldn't be like stalking a gazelle for 8 months, staying cautious so as not to scare it away. Fuck that. He should be dying to see you.

excitedbutscared Mon 01-Dec-14 08:36:49

liferunner Yes, he stayed at mine but I have also stayed at his during the week on occasion. My DCs are 16 and 18 so it's not a problem as long as I make sure they have had dinner etc

davejudgement That's a difficult question. The idea is nice, but I think it would be too soon as I don't know him completely and I wouldn't want to spoil things

whatsgoingoneh I didn't actually see anyone else during the initial 3/4 months and not sure if he did either. It just wasn't until then that we made it official verbally. Yes, we did sleep together. 1) he contacted me first (OLD)

2. I initiated the conversation but it was more me saying I wasn't sure where this was going.. He responded with telling me he wanted to be with me and only me to which I responded with the same.

3. I used to feel that way yes up until recently. Now I would say it was equal and it's just normal practice to see each other at weekends. It's just what we do so neither of us need to suggest it. If there are events he has been invited to, he always invites me to go with him as his partner but these are nearly always at the weekend anyway.

Yes, I am storing my bike at his house because he has a garage (and a motorbike) and I dont. He suggested this so that it is kept safe and not sitting outside my house. He also says he doesn't like the thought of me riding in the winter (not in a controlling way)

I do feel a bit like that to be honest. I couldn't go on forever being afraid to push things forwards in fear of scaring him away but wonder if I should be more patient - some people just need more time than others don't they? Especially if they had only just come out of a serious relationship. I just don't know how long to give it! I don't want to give up something that is great if it is worth 'waiting for'.

SelfLoathing Mon 01-Dec-14 09:08:44

I am storing my bike at his house because he has a garage (and a motorbike) and I dont. He suggested this so that it is kept safe and not sitting outside my house. He also says he doesn't like the thought of me riding in the winter (not in a controlling way)

For some reason, I don't like the sound of this and I'm not sure why.

It maybe your phrase "not in a controlling way" - which would never have occurred to me. So maybe your use of it suggests that you do think he is controlling and you are having to justify his comments?

Maybe because you live 40 miles apart - what if you want your bike? would you normally never use it over the winter at all? What if you have an emergency and need it?

Maybe because the way you describe the relationship all sounds pretty casual and I wouldn't like the idea of an item of significant value such as a motorbike being out of my control and in the possession of someone who I had that kind of relationship with. If you break up, it's not like a couple of CDs or a pair of jeans that you can just write off and not bother retrieving.

excitedbutscared Mon 01-Dec-14 09:33:59

self I only added that bit on because when I re-read it, I didn't want to paint the wrong picture of him. I only passed my bike test in May and have a car, so wouldn't ride it in the winter really - it's just a hobby thing.

I take your point about what happens if we break up and it was/is a concern that the bike is there. But I decided to proceed with it knowing we are both grown up, professional people and if I kept avoiding it or not doing it, it would seem as if I was the commitment-phobe and didn't want to send the wrong signals either! This may sound stupid but I kind of saw it as another demonstration of his long-term commitment to me too.

Selendra Mon 01-Dec-14 09:44:30

I think you need to think about what it is exactly you want/need. Don't worry about asking too much, just think what it is you do need, and be open with him about it.

It sounds like you're focussing on seeing him more in order to meetnyour need from this relationship to feel that he is more committed to you so you can relax and feel safe in the relationship. In your situation I would get that reassurance from talking to him more about the future and feeling the emotional connection build rather than seeing him more often, given the distance.

It sounds like big changes to the relationship might be a long way off. But seeing someone once a week and not living together doesn't mean that that the relationship is unimportant or not serious and committed. Some people have lifelong relationships and still don't live together. How you feel about each other is what matters right now.

Selendra Mon 01-Dec-14 09:45:41

And I think, for me, being open with someone about needs and wants is how I feel closer to them and build that trust.

WannaBe Mon 01-Dec-14 09:58:47

not seeing each other during the week when you don't live local to each other isn't necessarily an indication that the relationship isn't going anywhere it may purely be down to circumstance.

Me and my dp only see each other on weekends because we live 2.5 hours apart. But we make the absolute most of the time we spend together and we communicate all the time during the week. And occasionally I will go up there in the week when ds is at his dad's but it's always a bit of a juggling act between money and timing etc and knowing that we can afford it and then I feel guilty and as if I don't want to go but I do it just isn't always practical.

It can be hard not to feel rejected when someone says no to seeing you during the week but tbh I would talk to him and see if you can see if you're both on the same page wrt where you think the relationship may be going. Remember it's only just been a little under a year, it's not much time at all really in the context of a lifetime.

LineRunner Mon 01-Dec-14 10:06:05

The first year I was with my OH (which was last year) we didn't even see each other on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, even though we were both at home and only five minutes away from each other. Everybody's DCs, even though they were all teenagers, came first.

This year we are aiming to maybe see each other briefly. It's a slow build up!

Have you got Christmas plans?

excitedbutscared Mon 01-Dec-14 11:28:07

Yes, we are spending Christmas together with all of our DC's - so I'm lucky compared to you in that respect!

It's more a question of should I be able to expect him to make time for me during the week at this stage in our relationship? Or if he is genuinely busy (and tends to compartmentalise work and social) - should I not see this as a negative thing and not take it personally. Or actually, should I take it personally?!

Thanks for your comments wannabe and selendra - both very rational and helpful. You're right Selendra, I need to be open with him about what my thoughts are for the future to make sure we are thinking along the same lines! I think we are, but it would be awful if in another year's time I suggest moving in together and he says he was never considering that! How awful would that be!

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 01-Dec-14 14:08:04

Thanks for clarifying. smile I don't think it's controlling about the bike - it's protective. Sweet.

I have two thoughts on this. One, that perhaps he's just not a very proactive guy. You've had to initiate the relationship milestones so far, and that suggests that you'll always have to. That's not a "bad" thing, really - many women (most, I'd say) are the ones who set out to define the terms and conditions of relationships. But if that's annoying you, or you're starting to worry that maybe he's just not as interested as you are in having a future together, I'd understand.

However I don't think a Big Future Tawk is what you really want. Later on, it'll just feel like yet another step YOU initiated.

You've felt for a while that you were the one pushing things forwards until recently. But you have never actually required him to push things forward! If I can be frank, you slept with him without defining the relationship or being exclusive, and accepted (or to him, appeared to accept) that you'd be the one suggesting dates, etc, until now (when he's not being more forthright, but he has just been allowed to slip into a holding pattern of seeing you every weekend without making any effort). In short, you haven't required him to put forth any effort at all. YOU have made all the effort!

Are you happy with that? If you are, fine. But if you're not, just do what I said before and SIMPLY STOP INITIATING PLANS. Become the "passive" one in the relationship and WATCH WHAT HE DOES WHEN YOU STOP MOVING. Does he take up the reins and keep things moving? Or does he do nothing? That'll tell you everything you need to know.

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 01-Dec-14 14:16:43

Sorry, I said I had two thoughts but only really talked about one. My second thought on this is that he might not be as interested as you are. But again, you'll discover the truth on that if you take your foot off the accelerator and see what he does.

Make plans for yourself during the week. If he doesn't ask to see you, then he doesn't get to see you. You'll be off doing something else. A book club or a night with a GF or a panto with the DC or a romcom and a facepack alone on the sofa or SOMETHING else. If he doesn't text you a sweet message, he doesn't get to hear from you. If he doesn't ask you out on a date (a nice date, not always just dinner at his place or a group night out with friends), he doesn't get to see you and have your company and lovely sex at weekends. Set entry requirements! REQUIRE him to make an effort to see you. Don't be Little Miss Easygoing who lets him fall into being a boyfriend without realising it. THAT'S how he'll get scared - when he wakes up on your wedding day and realises he didn't do a thing but it all got arranged for him, quietly and easily, and actually, shit, he didn't want it.

Just pull back and see what happens. Don't be scared you'll never see him again. Don't be scared of anything.

It's time for the hunter to become the hunted.

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 01-Dec-14 14:25:51

Or, if none of that rings true, then I'd just drop the week-date thing. He's clearly not that bothered about it, and I'm sure you can find other ways to spend your nights during the week that are more productive than trying to get to see him, so just drop it. Make other plans and don't worry.

I've just moved in with my fiancé and I'm rather unexpectedly nostalgic for my "old" life when I only saw him 2/3 times a week and had whole days just me and my kids! Your current set-up is fine. He's like a wonderful addition to your life, a weekend treat. A lover. smile

Plus, your doing fun stuff all week, every week, is the surest way to make him want to start seeing you every Weds night. I bet at the moment you've been keeping that night free in case he wants it? Sod that nonsense! Find something interesting to do on Weds evenings and start doing it. Don't have a TAWK about it, just quietly get busy and do it. Tell him about it only if he asks you what you did last night. Don't make a big deal out of it.

Then he'll feel like "his" Wednesday's (that he didn't even want) are being taken away from him and suddenly want them back.

chrome100 Mon 01-Dec-14 14:47:22

I think that you live a huge distance apart and I would hate to have to travel in the week to my partner that lived 40 miles away. It's a huge ask after a day at work and with work in the morning. I think every weekend is very frequent. I understand you want to reach the next level of commitment, but I think given your circumstances that will mean moving in together as I can't see how you can realistically spend much more time together.

excitedbutscared Mon 01-Dec-14 15:19:42

WhatsGoingOnEh you're brilliant!! I like the last couple of scenarios a lot and is definitely how I would like myself to be thinking. It's actually turning a negative into a positive isn't it and also at the same time, giving him a bit of a wake up call and you're also right in that how he responds to it will tell me such a lot. It will be interesting to see what things will be like in another 3 months (whether he pushes for week-night dates when he realises I'm not going to sit in pining or keeping myself available and yes, by the way, I have been doing that)

If he doesn't, and things trundle along the way they are, I guess I'll have to decide whether that is 'ok' with both of our busy schedules but having my 'weekend tipple' haha. Thank you - you've really helped.

chrome Thank you also. It's good to hear what other people's expectations and opinions are. It is quite a lot of hassle to be honest to make week night visits either way... I guess Ive always been a bit of a 'go getter', a bit excitable, whimsy, spontaneous etc and do like a bit of drama so going that extra mile isn't a problem to me. I kind of thrive on stress but we're not all the same and I have to respect that. The rest of the relationship is absolutely fine and he gives me no reason to think he is just playing games or I'm just a weekend thing as he does always keep in contact during the week, calls me usually every night and plans future things. They are mostly instigated by me I'll admit and What's comment about him waking up on his wedding day thinking 'how did I get here!' is pretty scary! I will definitely avoid that!!

Thanks again guys/girls (can never tell these days haha) - you've been really helpful

excitedbutscared Mon 01-Dec-14 15:27:50

But, what's still bugging me, is that I asked him a while ago if we could make a week night meet up official and do it regularly - and he agreed. Since then, there has been one and he has cancelled the others. Does this not mean that I have just let him agree something to me (that should have been considered as important) and then poo poo it? Should I not address this... or just let it go and 'be busy' seeing as he has cancelled the other ones.

bananamilkshake1 Mon 01-Dec-14 15:42:14

This is an interesting thread. I have been with my DP for over 5 years now & in the main, we see each other at weekends & for holidays. We only live about 10 mins apart, speak every day & will occasionally get together during the week depending upon what we are each doing.

It's a situation which has taken some getting used to but actually now, I wouldn't swap it at all - it works for both of us & suits our lives. He gets to go to the gym on weeknights & I either relax at home or see my friends! It was a struggle at first as I had come out of a marriage, and DP although had been dating, was very used to being in long distance relationships where weekends only were the norm!

We are planning a future together which will involve living together & thus seeing more of each other, but for now, we are both perfectly happy with the arrangement. Weekends are generally "our" time although occasionally, we will each want to do things like go out with friends which can't be arranged for weeknights. It all works well and I never doubt his commitment to our relationship. I think in our case, we are both happy with the arrangements so neither feels abandoned or let down.

You need to make sure your DP understands what you need and why. I realise living 40 miles apart is tricky, but perhaps every few weeks you could both take a Thursday off & spend the day together doing something special. It then makes a bit more of an event and less stressful than an 80 mile round trip in the space of 10 hours.

WannaBe Mon 01-Dec-14 15:42:22

if his weeknights are generally taken up with other things then it's easy to see how things might have got cancelled even though the idea was for you to meet up more regularly.

My dp and I talked about getting together during the week last year, I went up once or twice in the afternoon, stayed overnight then went home again in the morning, and after that it hasn't really happened due to circumstances really. I did go up once last month and again we've talked about it being a more regular thing, but tbh there are often reasons why it just doesn't happen, i.e. he's had a lot on at work so has had to work late/ds has been ill/I haven't had the money (I don't drive so it involves a train fare) etc etc. all of these could be seen as excuses but actually they're not - they're genuine reasons. But because of the communication that exists between us we talk about these things before they happen iyswim.

What's your communication like? not do you call/text regularly, but do you have the confidence to talk to him about things that are important? Can you sit down and say to him "how come we never got together during the week then even though we talked about doing it?" if communication is good he should be able to tell you why, don't ask him as if you're accusing him of baling out on you and he most likely won't answer on the defensive. hth

arsenaltilidie Mon 01-Dec-14 15:52:50

Its always better for the woman to set the pace of a relationship. Because nothing turns off a woman than a man trying to move things too quickly when she is not ready.

As for your relationship
When we are together, he is completely doting, loving, seems completely genuine when he says he loves and adores me. In terms of commitment, he has planned for him and his daughter to come to mine for Christmas, has said he wants me to go with him to visit his family of the Christmas period and we have even just booked a 10 day holiday to The Maldives together

And you see each other on Friday as soon as you can.

And you will spend Christmas together

Have booked a holiday together

Offered to keep your bike in his garage

* live about 35-40 MILES AWAY from each other and both have BUSY JOBS*

Sorry but sometimes you women love to complicate things.

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 01-Dec-14 19:03:32

But, what's still bugging me, is that I asked him a while ago if we could make a week night meet up official and do it regularly - and he agreed. Since then, there has been one and he has cancelled the others. Does this not mean that I have just let him agree something to me (that should have been considered as important) and then poo poo it? Should I not address this... or just let it go and 'be busy' seeing as he has cancelled the other ones.

Really, it's not a huge deal. I don't think this is a battle you need to fight. Let it go. He probably agreed to it to make you happy and only realised later what a hassle it'd actually be to travel that far midweek. He's clearly not as go-getty as you are.

Long-term, his lack of "oomph" will probably frustrate you! But right now, if he's calling every day, seeing you at Christmas, generally being lovely and you're not constantly plagued by insecurity, I'd let this go.

Set a 3-month plan. Between now and Valentines Day, just adopt your new attitude. NO INITIATING. You're only allow to react, not act. You are the passive one now, in this relationship. In your own life (work, friends, kids, etc) you can be as dynamic as you like, but in love you are now officially THE FLOWER, not the BEE. See how you like that. It'll be a big shift for you - you'll not be allowed to control stuff which will feel scary for a while. You might also panic and think everything will stall completely without your influence. But try it. He might like it too. If he's being protective over your bike, etc, he might secretly want to see himself as the "man" in your relationship, and prefer to be the one planning dates, venues, when to get together, etc. Give him that chance, it might bring out his inner Alpha Male.

Plus yes, it's a positive. You now have a full week to be dynamic and productive in your own life, do fun stuff all the time, start a new business, write a book, redecorate your house, exercise every night, play poker, listen to podcasts, see family, chill with the kids, watch every De Niro film ever made, read the classics, do 5000 crunches a night -- WHATEVER YOU WANT -- and then you get to relax at weekends and let HIM be in charge. No more micro-managing! You get to chill. It could be blissful.

Then see where things stand on V-Day. Nothing to lose.

velvetspoon Mon 01-Dec-14 19:32:40

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to see him other than at weekends. He sounds tbh a bit set in his ways. That wouldn't appeal to me, though I can understand why you might want to overlook it, however I do think in the long run it will become annoying / frustrating.

I've been with my bf since May, we live about 30 miles apart. We see each other for a full weekend (Fri eve to Mon morning) every other weekend, and on the alternate weekends when he has his DC just on the Sun. We also see each other 1 night in the week, 2 nights on the weeks with shorter weekends. It's about as much time as we can possibly spend with each other short of living together (which logistically is 3-5 years off) and it still doesn't always feel like quite enough. About a 2-3 day break between seeing each other is bearable, anything longer leaves us both feeling a bit mopey. So I can see how only seeing each other at weekends would be hard to bear. I think I'd be inclined to suggest meeting midweek when you're together the preceding weekend, rather than leave it til the night before. You should feel able to say what you want. A midweek meet up isn't unrealistic and the distance isn't that far really.

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