Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Marriage and fantasy romances

(38 Posts)
Tempy Sun 30-Nov-14 23:03:35

How many long-time married people conduct fantasy romance relationships in their heads? Is this common or weird? Mine are with people I know in real life - one lasted about 10 years, and the current one is nearly a year now. In both cases I think they might reciprocate in real life. Have I just gone mad?

Drumdrum60 Sun 30-Nov-14 23:10:38

A bit. Sounds like your marriage is not fulfilling your needs so you're looking for new ways to seek them. Sounds slightly obsessive! Maybe just have celebrity crushes or revive feelings with Dh. At least you know it's a bit bonkers.

Angleshades Sun 30-Nov-14 23:14:28

I can't see the harm so long as it's just kept as a fantasy. I bet more people do this than care to admit.

Drumdrum60 Sun 30-Nov-14 23:16:06

Just to make you laugh. Saw my window cleaner worse for wear in the pub and he admitted to a crush. Said he saw me at a do and wouldn't stand near his Dp in case I saw him. I was oblivious to his dilemma as it all had gone on in his head. Hilarious.
Imaginations run wild.

Tempy Sun 30-Nov-14 23:18:41

Oh dear. Now I feel weirder. Doesn't anyone else do this? confused

AuntieStella Sun 30-Nov-14 23:19:07

Fantasy life, pretty normal.

Wondering about reciprocation? Could be a slippery slope.

Drumdrum60 Sun 30-Nov-14 23:22:44

Don't worry about it! Just put it down to experience and the daft things we all do.

Drumdrum60 Sun 30-Nov-14 23:24:41

I once had a thing for a celebrity and thought we'd get married in Venice. Of course.

PrincessOfThemyscira Sun 30-Nov-14 23:27:45

I have long running fantasy lives in my head. Makes the rest of the day bearable when I can daydream now and then.

Tempy Sun 30-Nov-14 23:28:49

Auntie Stella - it started with them apparently liking me - obviously you can never be sure in what way someone likes you - unless they get drunk and blurt it out - but when everyone is being civilised - and then I started thinking about them (not at the same time, I'm monogamous in my fantasies!) - then I was like developing a whole fantasy relationship with them - maybe I should write novels instead? But then what if they recognised themselves..... blush

Nope, never done it.
Haven't got the energy even for a fantasy relationship, tbh.
In fact, if anything ever happened to DH (God forbid) I don't think I'd ever get into a relationship again.

Oakmaiden Sun 30-Nov-14 23:30:46

Um... No, you're not the only one.

Tempy Sun 30-Nov-14 23:32:19

Princess - thank-you! Is it a romantic one?

Tempy Sun 30-Nov-14 23:33:57

OK I realise it might be difficult for people to say if DP / DH is in the room - I have in fact name-changed for this thread......

brokenhearted55a Sun 30-Nov-14 23:39:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessOfThemyscira Sun 30-Nov-14 23:41:15

Romantic, occasionally steamy. And totally in my head.

I see him about once a week through work and he has no idea. I've had celeb fantasies too.

unclerory Sun 30-Nov-14 23:41:35

HIMYM had a bit about this, the guys were taking the piss out of Marshall because he had to start all romantic or sexual fantasties about other women with Lily being seriously ill, him looking after her, then being a heartbroken widoweer for years before finally meeting the girl he wanted to have the fantasy about. Very funny. Anyway, the point is, I'm guessing if they put it in a TV series that happily married people have fantasties about other people then it's fairly common.

Tempy Sun 30-Nov-14 23:51:14

OK I'm feeling a bit better about it now. But I think it might be getting out of hand - I very nearly called DS by the current fantasy object's name recently - that would have been very awkward. I think I should stop doing it but I don't know how to switch it off.....

chopinbabe Mon 01-Dec-14 00:41:07

There is an old saying, 'The chains of marriage are heavy: it takes two to carry them and sometimes three.'

Sometimes, the best way of doing this is to have a fantasy romance.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Dec-14 09:02:24

Fantasising or having crushes on others is not unusual or necessarily unhealthy but if it is starting to impact negatively on your life or causing you concern then it's probably getting out of hand. Are you very bored with your life, job, family, partner, whatever that you can devote so much thinking time to other people?

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Dec-14 09:10:45

I used to do this when i was married to XH (we were married for 15 years). I thought it was normal and ok. It got me through.

I have remarried (been together 8 years) and i can see now the fantasy stuff in my past was a symptom of something lacking. IMO it was part of what's know as 'settling' with X. I feel no need or desire to fantasise any more.

uglyswan Mon 01-Dec-14 11:05:41

Ha! Completely normal in my book (usually just filthy fantasies, but perhaps that's just me...). But do yourself a favour and stick to fictional people - TV, literature or your own creations - in future; less chance of impacting anyone's life that way. And def write a novel! Go oooooon!

Tempy Mon 01-Dec-14 11:40:47

Thank-you everyone. A couple of people have suggested changing it to a celeb or fictional character - but I think it's the fact that the fantasy objects are real life people that sustains it. Bored, settling, hmm - have been married a long time and it sometimes doesn't actual feel like it's a relationship any more - I probably miss the excitement of the new stages of a relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Dec-14 11:43:44

Sounds like you and your husband need to have a pretty urgent talk about how to refresh your relationship. Too easy to let things slide, turn into 'housemates with rings' and self-medicate with various stimulants... shopping, food, crushes, alcohol.

Noellefielding Mon 01-Dec-14 11:56:03

Very interesting and very common I think.

But CogitoErgo is absolutely right, it sounds as if it could well be impacting on your life.

Cause could be numerous. It could have been a childhood strategy to help you feel safe which you've adapted to adulthood. It could be low self esteem and this is boosting it. It could be that there are things you need to do to give your life excitement that you don't have the courage to do. the fantasy life is an escape for what you need to do maybe?

I sometime think, what would I do if I had a week to live? Would I cherish the loving relationships I have or daydream about unreal relationships.
The fantasy lover who you know is an untested thing. You could have a dalliance and it be nice and get away with it but it is by it's nature very unreal and very liable to destroy what you have. You have to ask, how would I feel if I lost my partner? How would the fantasy work then?
I think there is much falseness in the fantasy lover, it very often turns to dust when it touches real life. Whereas a long marriage can be a solid and beautiful thing, hard fought and of great value.
I think the answers are inside you and they could well be in the bits of your head you least want to go into. Maybe an extreme fantasy is an escape from an extreme fear?
I believe now in loving what you have if possible and cherishing the real people in your lives.
So many of these affairs that start in the shallows end up ending in the shallows, pointless and destructive.
Sorry for negativity but good luck, keep in reality if you can, that's what pays off in the end ime.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now