Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My H's 'birthday weekend'

(130 Posts)
MindReader Sun 30-Nov-14 22:55:09

My H's birthday was on Tuesday.
He is one of those people who say: 'no no don't get me anything' (quite forcefully) but then go up the wall if they don't get a fuss...
We agreed to celebrated this weekend as weeknights v busy.

We have NO money atm so the celebration is extremely modest.
On Sat am we went for lunch at Asda (told you we were broke!). It was hugely busy so I suggested one of us sit with kids and one go and order. I sat as I have a mobility problem. He was furious at having to queue as he expects me to do that. I asked him to order me a burger. When the food came there was nothing for him. He said: 'there was only 1 burger left and I knew you'd make a fuss if I had it' (?). Apparently, there was 'nothing else on the menu' he wanted. So, I asked him if he'd walk around the block to get the cinema tickets for the new release we wanted to take the kids to in case it sold out. Perhaps he might find a sandwich from the chiller that he fancied to munch on the way round?. NO.
So, we eat our lunch and it gets to time to leave so we can get tickets on time and he decides he wants Mac and cheese (for the 1st time in 17 years?). So, we are late and stressed for film. After, he huffs and puffs and is grumpy all evening and stomps off to the spare bed.

This morning I get up and cook a slap up brekkie. He snaps about everything and I ask him what the problem is so he goes up in smoke and stomps off again. Kids and I eat the 'birthday breakfast'. He eventually comes down (after both ds and dd have been up showing him the menu they've made on the pc for him sad) and opens kids gifts and mine. Mine is ignored but used (new boots which are not acknowledged but put on). Rest of day is silent treatment (an hour in the car in total silence, anyone?, trip to Garden centre to see Santa in total silence anyone?). He then has another huge huff when I call him down for Roast Beef Dinner (by his request) as he was 'helping dd with hair like YOU asked'. Dinner is also in silence. He then faffs around and as soon as the kids and I are settled watching Frozen he goes to bed.

Apparantly, I am a 'mad witch'.
I am SO tired.

pictish Sun 30-Nov-14 22:58:18

Not surprised...he sounds ghastly. Selfish, childish and quite happy to see everyone suffer for his melodrama.
Is he like that often?

pictish Sun 30-Nov-14 23:00:18

Although I have to say, in the interests of balance, if my birthday treat was lunch in Asda cafe, I'd be depressed as hell.

AnyFucker Sun 30-Nov-14 23:01:09

he sounds like a self centred, tantrumming child

how do you put up with it ?

pictish Sun 30-Nov-14 23:01:32

I'd rather a picnic with homemade sarnies in the park. Asda cafe food is not good.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 30-Nov-14 23:01:48

He's a pillock. Let him fester, alone.

kinkyfuckery Sun 30-Nov-14 23:03:24

Is he always like this?

Canyouforgiveher Sun 30-Nov-14 23:04:13

He's certainly hard work isn't he. I hope he has compensations.

If this is his normal behaviour then you need to do something about it because that is no way to live.

If it is unusual behaviour then maybe chalk it down to not liking being a year older/broke and when things calm down ask him not to blank you like that ever again.

antimatter Sun 30-Nov-14 23:07:27

If OP has mobility problems she may find it difficult to get to park hence cafe convenient for cinema.

When my ex used to behave like that I would challenge him with words: "would you talk/behave like that at wok? If not ' then stop acting in that manner now"

MindReader Sun 30-Nov-14 23:07:45

Yes, lunch in Asda IS depressing, (specially with him).
We are beyond broke, but needed a quick cheap hot meal between swimming lessons and film and it was that or Greggs blush

To be fair, the breakfast and Roast Beef with trimmings provided today were real showstoppers, but they tasted like ash due to the atmostphere.

Yes, he is like this often and increasingly often too.
Usually 'with bells on' if I am going through something else that is difficult in some way. To wit Thursday, when, despite a very very difficult meeting at work and being so tired I was almost in tears, he had me fill out a form for some free tickets for something today (he cant do it as he's dyslexic). Then, today, decided he 'didn't want to go'. I KNEW he would.

AliceinWinterWonderland Sun 30-Nov-14 23:11:16

Sorry, any lunch I didn't have to cook would be fine by me. grin

He's kind of a twat, isn't he? hmm

MindReader Sun 30-Nov-14 23:14:56

antimatter It took me a while to realise that of course he can't behave like that at work as he would lose his job (customer service based). He doesn't speak to neighbours etc like that (he changes as soon as he comes back into the house though).

I have asked him and he just says it is MY fault for upsetting him and I would 'try the patience of a saint'. His mother was very Religious (but not at all Christian in her attitudes - she would be the Bad Samaritan, lol) and he certainly thinks he is 'above me'.

canyou I can get the silent treatment for weeks at a time. He is nothing if not persistant.

The thing is, the children are picking up on it.
When I speak to them but they ignore me, and I say: 'please will you answer so I know you have heard' they say: 'Dad doesn't' and he smirks.
Ds notices but I can see he doesn't want to think of his Dad (being half of him) as a mean spiteful person.
Dd tends to pick up on the lack of respect and parrot it, which I find hard.

Rollercola Sun 30-Nov-14 23:17:03

My exh was like this. Nothing was ever right. He was never happy. No matter what I did or said to try to snap him out of it, he was just grumpy, moody, miserable and nasty. And the silences are an absolute killer aren't they.

This is no way for you and your dcs to live. We separated and its only now, 18 mths later, that I can see how damaging it was. I lost all my confidence and sense of fun. We walked on eggshells every day. I couldn't work out what I was doing to make him be so miserable.

Turns out it wasn't me. He asked for a divorce because 'we both deserve to be happy'. Now he's gone I'm really happy. He's still as miserable as sin grin

I would seriously consider whether your relationship should continue. You can have a very much happier life than this.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 30-Nov-14 23:18:09

Well, first thought was 'didn't you offer to share / give him the burger, then share / you have a sandwich?' But reading on, bloody hell. Sounds like mutual kindness and affection disappeared a long time ago.

He sounds angry, resentful and determined to make your life unpleasant, even at the expense of his own enjoyment - wallowing in self-pity and vindictive, yuck. I'd be focusing on detaching and enjoying myself without / despite him.

makemineapinot Sun 30-Nov-14 23:25:12

Can only agree with rollercoaster! My ex was similar- dc and I gave been so much happier without him! He is still miserable! But not saying ltb as only you knows if you are at that stage, but the fact your dc are picking up on it would worry he. Could you insist on going to counselling? My ex refused so I went on my own and it was great - even though I had amazing family and friends who I talked to all the time, the counsellor was different somehow. He sounds like a rest who is emotionally torturing you - you need to do something to sort it and get your confidence back x

MindReader Sun 30-Nov-14 23:29:00

If I have a problem with anyone (not that I do a lot), but, eg problem with window cleaner / problem with school / problem with dc) he will ALWAYS and without fail take the side of the other person without even asking about it.

He'd offered to pay for the cinema tickets from his birthday money from his mother (couldn't have taken the kids otherwise). Then, after kids knew about treat, said had checked bank account and not enough money (very probable), so I said I'd pay. Then, at swimming, ds best friend asked if they could go along with them on Monday to the same film. H said he still wanted to go on Sat as 'he was looking forward to it'. I told H that I couldn't afford to pay for both Sat and Mon. So he said - wait for it - perhaps the KIDS could pay from their piggy banks if they wanted to go with their friends. I thought that was really unfair.
I paid on Sat from a Lottery Ticket which unexpectedly had £25 pounds on it and I will pay tomorrow for them to join their friends.

I just feel like I am married to a 3 year old, and a spiteful one at that.

MindReader Sun 30-Nov-14 23:32:40

lottiegarbanzo oh yes, I offered him the burger. I no longer do it out of affection but because I know he will go on about it for weeks if I don't.
But, of course, he wouldn't take it.
As we were leaving, I saw someone being brought a burger.
Maybe the café got fresh stock in, or maybe, they had more than one to start with?

makemineapinot we have been at the top of the counselling list 4 times over the last 3 years and he WON'T go. It's for 'idiots', apparently.

arthriticfingers Sun 30-Nov-14 23:33:14

Have a look at this and remember that you and the children deserve better.

cestlavielife Sun 30-Nov-14 23:34:22

Do you want to stay married to a spiteful three year old ?
Because you can choose not to.

Branleuse Sun 30-Nov-14 23:34:41

he despises you.

you need to leave him. Whether youve done anything wrong or not is irrelevant. Hes passive aggressive, snippy, bad tempered and foul

Drumdrum60 Sun 30-Nov-14 23:35:07

What a bloody pain. Your roast dinner sounds fab by the way. What's the arse up to. Sounds like he's out to spoil your Asda fun or any fun for that matter. Sounds to me like he can't bear you to be nice to him. Is he guilty of something? Why does he resent you so much? You sound lovely too lovely for this brute.

Malabrigo Sun 30-Nov-14 23:36:02

Why are you with him?
He is appalling. Just end it. It sounds as though you know he's no good for you or for the kids.

LaurieFairyCake Sun 30-Nov-14 23:36:42

Ltb. It really is that simple.

He's a spiteful, aggressive, gaslighting fuck wank bastard. Just fucking leave and kick him in the nuts on the way out.

TendonQueen Sun 30-Nov-14 23:39:44

If counselling's for idiots, I don't see why that rules him out at all...

But it sounds like life would get a lot better a lot faster if he wasn't around. The whole thing with the kids is poisonous. Do you both work? Whose name is the house in?

antimatter Sun 30-Nov-14 23:40:25

Every day you stay with him will make you resent him more and more.

I would tell the kids - your father us disrespectful towards me and don't copy him.

use some other man as an example if good behaviour.

if he wants to be their role model - he has to change his attitude! Tell him that too.are you working?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: