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DH really shouted at me tonight - am I stupid to be this upset?(45 Posts)
Namechanged as I'm a regular and don't want to be outed. Also I'm feeling embarrassed posting this!
I know this thread is full of seriously awful stuff like abuse etc. So I'm feeling a bit stupid posting this. But the bottom line is: I suddenly feel like I don't know my DH anymore and it has changed my whole perspective on my relationship. So here goes:
Had a lovely evening planned today - we had an xmas function in school this afternoon, planned to go to our local with some of the other parents and DCs (x3) for half an hour after (think tiny village school with only 50 odd pupils, and tiny village pub), home to a roaring fire and some mulled wine and chips for tea, then for the DCs to write their xmas lists to santa whilst we listen to some xmas tunes on the radio - lovely! Now, DS aged 5 has not been brilliant for a few days, he's had a nasty cough, really chesty, but has been fine otherwise, sleeping ok and generally in a lovely mood.
So: DH goes to work today (self employed, works alone), comes back 20 mins before school function. We attend function. Towards the end DH whidpers to me:shall we really go to the pub? By then he has already checked his watch every 5 minutes. Now I know what is going on here: DH is as usual starving, as he always is, because as usual he cba to take any food to work and hasn't eaten since 10 am. But he goes on to say "DS isn't well. I really think he needs to get home". Ok fine whatever. I sort of agree with him -not worth arguing over I think. But by the time the function finishes my friend comes over and goes "So, are you coming to the pub for a quick one?" Before I even get the chance to answer DH goes "NO!!" in a really aggressive way. I was mortified. I mean really really embarrassed. My friend just said "oh ok then, I'm only going for a bit myself"
So, by the time we get home 10 mins later the kids are all moaning/crying as they had been looking forward to seeing their friends in the pub for a bit and having a coke (rare treat), I'm pissed off due to DHs snapping and DH being in a mood because of feeling like a party pooper (and because of being absolutely starving!)
So we get home and send DCs upstairs and DH says: why are you so pissed off? And I say: mainly because you were so rude to x, you really bit her head off.
This is followed by DH totally loosing it. Shouting, finger pointing, door slamming, you name it. Basically screaming that what I said wasn't true, he was never rude, didn't talk like that, etc etc. I just kept saying don't shout at me, don't shout at me and he kept screaming yes I will cos you keep accusing me of things I haven't done! It got to the point where I felt almost threatened, mainly because I kept thinking oh god, I've never seen him like this before, if he can scream like this at me what else might he do?!
Things calmed down in the end as he stormed upstairs whilst I carried on making tea. He then came downstairs to have tea and just hung around whilst I carried on doing xmas lists etc with the DCs, all the while trying not to cry.
DCs in bed now, DH downstairs and I'm upstairs in bed.
I'm so upset and I don't know if I'm being stupid or not. I think what upset me mainly was that it was all so trivial but I've never ever seen my DH like this. We've been together for 13 years. He's my best friend. But I've never been screamed at like that. By absolutely no one. And now, the one person I thought would always have my back has behaved in a way that has made me feel threatened in my own home. I thought I knew him 100%. I would never have spoken to him or anyone in that wsy. I feel such a twat.
I guess my question is: where do I go from here? And: am I being stupid to feel so let down and lonely right now? I don't want him anywhere near me right now.
U r not being stupid.
That was bullying. Maybe he knows he was in the wrong and he was deliberately frightening you in to never mentioning it again (& being scared to challenge him in the future).
It sounds like verbal abuse to me.
I hope u r ok
You are not stupid to feel let down and lonely. I don't know what to suggest but just wanted to say that you're not alone and that you're not wrong.
I don't blame you for not wanting him near you. He's behaved abominably and he frightened you. That does not make you stupid! That makes you a fearful woman who felt threatened in her own home by her own husband. The one person in the world who you should be able to trust implicitly. He's just broken that by his inexplicable behaviour.
There's probably something underlying all this but what it is, is anyone's guess.
But what you are not, is stupid. Not at all.
No you're not. He should not have shouted at you. I hope he apologises to you as that really isn't on. Did something else happen in his day that caused him to lash out at you? Not that its an excuse though
If you have been together for so long and it's the first time he has ever shouted like that, then something must be wrong. People don't change personality overnight. I would go downstairs and ask him what the problem is because you don't believe he would lose it like that over something so trivial. What's the real issue? ...Good luck
You are not being stupid. I remember feeling that way the first time my DH really shouted at me during an argument. It jars you because like you said, you think you know them well enough and they are usually loving, kind and gentle. I'd let things cool down a bit, maybe later have a good talk and tell him how his actions made you feel. It was a big eye opener to my DH how his tone and language really shook my confidence in our relationship.
I know there's no excuse but if this hasn't happened in 13 yrs maybe something pushed him to the edge today? Maybe a combo of tired/hungry/feeling unwell himself (you had mentioned a DC being ill, perhaps he's coming down with it himself?) has made it easy for him to lash out in that way towards you? Absolutely not an excuse for the behavior but maybe an explanation?
I agree with Queen, let the dust settle and have a calm discussion about what happened. People don't just flip out like that over one comment, something else is brewing.
But he was well out of order and you're not being silly to feel so upset.
YANBU but I would leave it until tomorrow to speak to him. TBH I would have a good cry because that is a horrid shock after such a long time
I wonder about low blood sugar, too. My very placid, even-tempered son only ever gets horrible when he's starving. Reading that, I'm not sure whether he should get checked out! Had your husband eaten by the time he was yelling at you?
I was wondering about low blood sugar too...
I would be inclined to think if it's unusual there is probably something wrong. Agree it could be as simple as ridiculously low blood sugar but could be something to do with work etc.
Ideally, when things are calmer you need to try get him to explain. What set him off like this. Are three issues he has been biting his tongue about? Has something happened at work? Etc.
I get hunger rage when I haven't eaten but I'm a grown up and bloody well go get myself something to eat if I'm that hungry! If it is low sugar then he should have eaten by now and realised that he was way out of line.
You're not overreacting, that was massively out of order and very reasonable to be upset, how horrible for you.
However, as you say he's not done anything like this before, I would be concerned, why has he suddenly changed? Has something happened, was he worried about seeing someone at the pub, perhaps he has a medical issue that needs addressing, possibly something else. Not that I'm suggesting his behaviour is excusable, but perhaps there is an underlying reason for the sudden change.
There has to be a reason but only he knows the truth.
I hope he is genuinely sorry.
Did your DCs hear him shouting? As someone who had this as a kid, I would say that oh boy we heard it, but sort of pretended we hadn't. It was awful.
No you are not stupid. I have felt like that as well when my oh has shouted at me during a argument. It was so unexpected but he was so aggressive that I honestly for a split second thought he was going to hit me.
You have been with your oh a long time though, people don't just change. I don't condone what he has done, and he would be in the dog house for a while but is something else really bothering him or stressing him out?
Leave a pillow and a blanket outside the bedroom door for him. If he questions it, tell him that he really frightened you earlier and you refuse to share a bed with a man who makes you feel threatened in your own home. Explain that you think it would be best for him to sleep on the sofa/in the spare room for tonight and that you would like to discuss what happened this evening tomorrow.
His behaviour was totally unacceptable. It sounds to me like there's perhaps something going on and it's really stressing him out. Like another poster said, people don't change overnight. Is he worried about anything/burrying his hand in the sand over an issue? Is his business okay? Finances alright?
Thank you for your replies. I kept wondering if I was being melodramatic for feeling so hurt.
I'm sure nothing has happened today to make him snap like this - had a nice evening last night, lovely chilled out morning and he's been working in the middle of nowhere (in his workshop) all day, literally not speaking to a soul.
I'm not ready to ask him what is the matter at the moment. The more I think about it the more I'm hoping he was upset about something else (as supposed to loosing it like this for no reason) But I don't really want to discuss it just now - I guess I'm hoping things will look different in the morning and I will feel better equipped/less emotional.
He was in a mood after having worked all day, had nothing to eat and then was expected to go to the pub. He lost his temper. I'm sorry you were upset and it wasn't right he showed you up like this in front of your friends. He's an adult and should make sure he eats regularly. But he could have other problems too.
You aren't being stupid at all, something like this really shakes the foundations of a marriage. I would tell him to sleep elsewhere (spare room, sofa, one of the kids rooms - you take one of the kids in with you) tonight and that you don't know where this is going, but it's not going to be swept under the rug.
Nobody gets low blood sugar except diabetics on medication who haven't eaten enough. He was hungry and nasty and should have had the maturity to sort himself out with a sandwich before the school event so he could enjoy the evening with you all as planned. Instead he has soured the day and badly damaged your relationship. You should perhaps pick the right time to explain this to him and ask him to apologise to you and the children. He needs to work out how to avoid it happening again too. I would be refusing to spend time with him until this took place personally. You are quite right to feel upset and disappointed.
Couldn't he have eaten in the pub?
Couldn't he have gone home and you and the kids go to the pub?
Why did you all have to go home and YOU cook him dinner??!
My DD calls this a "food mood", when lack of food puts you in bad humour but your DH is an adult & needs to eat if he is hungry & not ruin everyone else's day.
Well, yes. He could have had a bag of crisps in the pub or a sandwich. Like a grown up.
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