Mum's Boyfriend: would you let him stay?

[sugarsinner]

I've always had a good relationship with my mum, although she has always had low self-esteem and remained in an emotionally abusive relationship with my Dad up until 2 years ago. I suffered his abuse too.

Then, literally straight away, she met a new partner. I've supported her from the beginning and have said all along that I'm just glad she's happy. He seems nice at times, strange at others, very quiet with a unique sense of humour. He doesn't abuse my mum emotionally and seems to respect her.

However, mum has changed a lot. She likes everything he likes and moved 200 miles to live with him after 12months. She has a good job and moved to another region at work too. He doesn't work. Apparently cant find any. His family dramas (kids and ex wife) appear to dominate her life and he's madr little effort to be part of her family, or so it seems. He's always busy sorting out some sort of family problem whenever a visit to see us looms!

Anyway, mum's lost herself in this lusty relationship and seems irrational a lot of the time and I just cant work him out! Mum says it would be easier for both of them to visit us (due to finances) if they could stay with us when they visit rather than in a hotel. I have a 5 month old baby and I just cant seem to weigh this bloke up or feel I know him enough for him to stay under the same roof as my child. Am I being paranoid? When my daughter was born he shed a tear as he held her and after meeting him so little, I just found this weird. Am I being hard on him and my mum? How would you feel?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You don't have to play host to anyone you don't want to but I'm not sure what you think he will do to your baby if he is a house guest. Do you think he is dangerous? Do you have a partner? If you don't trust him then maybe point them towards some local hotels.

[newgirl]

I think I'd feel the same - it sounds too early for you to have them staying in your home. Stick to your guns - maybe it will inspire them to find some work...

[sugarsinner]

My DP supports whatever decision I want to make regarding him and my mum. I just feel that he's a stranger and would you let a stranger stay under the same roof as your baby? I don't trust anyone I don't know or isn't a certified child care worker where my child is concerned!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

No, your mother and her new man need to stay in a hotel.

It seems really that your mother has basically jumped from one previously abusive relationship into yet another poor sounding relationship.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do you think your mother has changed to fit in with her partner and his ideals?. Her relationship is really not one of equals is it, the power and control balance seem mainly weighed in his favour. Red flags really are fluttering in the breeze.

[ThirdPoliceman]

Has you Mum been with him for 2 years?
Does your Mum seem bothered by staying in a hotel?

[NomorepepperpigPLEASE]

Agree with attila

[dadwood]

Sounds like your intuition says "No" to them staying at yours. Now to find a nice way to say it..

[JeffreyGartnerEatsWell]

I think I would allow it.

I've been in an abusive relationship and although I'm glad I went four + years before I had another relationship, I think she can figure somethings out from the comfort of a 'safe' relationship even if she's lost herself.

Focus on activities that will boost her self-esteem. Without mentioning him, encourage her to do something new and watch his reaction (supportive or tight lipped?).

[sugarsinner]

Definitely Attila. She's like a different person since this relationship. She likes different foods than she used to, has ditched many of her old interests and friends, just merged into his life. When she visits my brother and I feel we don't know her. She never arrives when she says she's going to when she comes to visit, sometimes a day later than planned and says "I dont like having to keep to times" which I just find bizarre! There's usually a drama behind the reason for her lateness and it's always his family.
She didnt even tell her best friends that she was moving before she left, she pretty much just upped and went. I was 4 months pregnant at the time and felt a bit lost after being so close before.
There is definitely a lack of equality between them but I think the relationship is just so much better than the abusive one she was in before with my Dad that she thinks it's all brilliant and rosy!

[NomorepepperpigPLEASE]

jeffrey I think your four year wait would have enabled your 'twat radar' again. In my late teens and early twenties I jumped from one abusive relationship to another. The fact that no2 arsehole was very caring and loving compared to no. arsehole at first blind sided me to the fact he was actually an utter if not worse cunt.

[dadwood]

OP you say: There is definitely a lack of equality between them but I think the relationship is just so much better than the abusive one she was in before with my Dad that she thinks it's all brilliant and rosy!

I think her boundaries have been shifted by the last relationship and she isn't a very good judge of relationships at the moment. You can see better.

[annielouisa]

If you do not feel comfortable say no. I do though wonder if the new her is the one that escaped your DF and she had to adhere to his rules before. Was your DF a stickler for timekeeping so that has led to the more laid back attitude.

I think you were really hurt when your mum was not around for your pregnancy. Maybe she stayed in her awful relationship with your DF being emotionally battered and when she knew you were settled with your owen family made her break for freedom. I think sometimes when you get out of an abusive relationship you want a complete change.

[annielouisa]

Sorry that should have been own family

[pinkfrocks]

I'd let them stay. Why? because you have already said he's not integrating into your family- and this is a chance to get to know him and for him to show his true colours.

Your mum is in a little bubble with this romance, apparently cutting herself off from family and old friends. One of the best ways to expose flaws in any relationship (theirs) is to encourage contact between everyone in the family rather than shutting them out.
You'll have the chance to get to know this guy better and be in a stronger position to tell your mum if you are worried about her.

Invite them- ask him to wash up, take the rubbish out, muck in- and if he is really weird, anti social and lazy then he'll be shown up and your mum might see the light.

But I'd put a time limit on their visit- 2 nights and no more.

[sugarsinner]

annielouisa: I guess you could well be right in that this new her is the real her. It used to be Dad's way or no way and I guess I wouldn't really know the real her then would I.
However, the cutting herself off from her own family, I find to be a negative behaviour. I think Mum should be trying to establish some form of self control and sense of self rather than just adhering to someone else's way of living. She did that for 30 years with my Dad. She's now doing it again. I wish she was stronger for her sake. She even smokes more than she used to because he does. I can't see how this is at all positive. We have also never gone to visit my Mum in the 12 months she's lived with her boyfriend as arrangements just get made and unmade. There's no control in her life at all and so making plans to see her are near on impossible.
I am hurt that she missed out on my pregnancy but reckon I can detach myself enough from it to judge my mum's behaviour from an objective point of view.

[HumblePieMonster]

don't have them in the house.

[pinkfrocks]

The thing is, your mum is an adult and how she lives her life is up to her.
It seems pretty clear that she has zero self esteem and have perhaps jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. She clearly 'needs a man' and I bet she's never been without one, lived on her own or really 'found out who she is'.

People who suddenly start to mimic a new partner's interests and behaviour tend to be blank canvasses who don't have much confidence or a strong personality of their own.

But all of that is by the by. If you want to try to create a better relationship with her, then would it not be better to welcome her and her boyfriend rather than exclude him?

Imagine it was the other way round- if you had a partner she didn't like would it help matters for him not to be welcomed in her house?

It's not your job to police your mum's love life but if you want to be closer to her and maybe have some influence on her behaviour then you'll get that by seeing more, not less of her.

Have you tried being open with her about how her behaviour hurts and worries you? Might that be a conversation you can initiate?

[Fiftyplusmum]

If you are not comfortable with a person you don't know very well, I don't think you should feel obliged to have them stay in your home. Can you afford to pay a little bit towards their hotel bill - say they will be more comfortable and you haven't got the baby into a good night time routine and the crying may disturb them etc.

[ChippingInAutumnLover]

They both smoke, so they wouldn't be staying at mine. End of.

However, that aside, I don't understand your comment about not having someone you don't know sleep under the same roof as your child. I find that really odd. If you are that scared he's going to abuse your DD, then you should be doing more to get your Mum out of there, if you think he's OK but a bit moody then what's the problem?

I think you are hurt by her behaviour, which is understandable, but she's probably hurt by you not wanting them to stay there.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

I wouldn't want a strange man in my house, and whether he's my mother's new-ish partner or not wouldn't come into the equation. You don't know him at all and it sounds like you don't really like what you have heard about him. That's a good enough reason not to have them stay in my book.

[Bonsoir]

Up to a point it is really quite normal for people to change and to adopt a new lifestyle/habits when they enter a serious relationship. This can indeed be very hard on children who have known their parents for many years and are unsettled by the unpredictable nature of their newly enamoured parent.

[PlantsAndFlowers]

They've been together two years and living together for one year so it's hardly a new relationship.

[pinkfrocks]

OP you need to be honest with yourself.
This is not so much a 'boyfriend' as a new partner. They live together..?

You need to think about whether you are angry with your mum because she has pretty much deserted you when you needed her, and if you are now using your baby and her partner as scapegoats so you can refuse your mum hospitality!

I think a lot of your question depends on how long they want to stay- 1 or 2 nights should be do-able, but I'd have a no smoking in the house rule.

At some point, if she stays with this man, you will need to decide if you want to accept him into your extended family. It sounds as if you are finding this hard.

[Mammanat222]

It could be a good opportunity to see this man in action though??

I mean you aren't going to leave him alone with baby? Your hubby will be around and then you can get a very good insight into how he is with your Mum?

Although it sounds as though even if he is awful your Mum is already quite sucked in!