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How to stop your ex p doing the pick me dance

(12 Posts)
1moreRep Sun 30-Nov-14 17:47:23

Basically I have ended the relationship with my dp of 8 years (2x dc aged under 5). I have been trying to work at the relationship/ had trouble for the past few years and he hasn't taken me seriously. Its ended up with me resenting and falling out of love with him. I still care for him and respect him and we are living together while we sort out a financial settlement/ so I can buy a place and move out and we will share the kids 50/50 (both work F/t)

Anyway when I ended it he was devastated/ begs and pleaded and now he is really trying- I tell him its in vain as its just beyond that for me but he says he needs to try. It is really difficult to see him like this - any tips? I have tried to encourage him to talk to his friends (whom he has now told) but he keeps texting and saying things to me- begging. I know I sound like a callous bitch but it is really hard

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Nov-14 17:59:31

You couldn't control his behaviour when he was ignoring you and you can't control this behaviour either. All you can do is bring the day you physically separate forward and, in the meantime, refuse to engage.

AnyFucker Sun 30-Nov-14 18:17:05

Detach, detach, detach

He is using a simple variation of the behaviour he demonstrated before to hook you back in

Just ignore it

1moreRep Sun 30-Nov-14 18:28:26

So do I just not reply to his texts or do I just say- im sorry its beyond this for me? also he is spending so much time at home now, trying to be the perfect husband but all it does it make me sad/ angry as he should have never behaved that way in the beginning

AnyFucker Sun 30-Nov-14 18:36:49

Remove "I'm sorry" from any of your communications. Tell him to stop the false perfect DP act as it is clear it is too little, too late and then refuse to discuss any further.

If you have to reside in the same house for a while, separate your living arrangements as much as possible. So stop shopping, cooking, shitwork, organising, laundering etc for him. Only do what is necessary for you and the kids

Make sure he looks after the kids on his own for set periods while you go out (if only to go sit in a cafe with a book)

Push, push, push on organising new living arrangements ASAP.

2rebecca Sun 30-Nov-14 18:39:13

If he's sending endless texts I wouldn't respond to all of them, life's too short. Respond to them briefly once a day maximum and tell him to stop hassling you with endless texts or you'll block him.
It won't help him move on if you keep responding.

1moreRep Sun 30-Nov-14 18:40:32

In all fairness he does all the laundry- ironing etc and I rarely cook- I have moved into the spare room months ago and I have been spending more and more time away from the homes as he is suddenly around all the time he isn't in work- which has never been the case previously.

He keeps wanting to do things as a family (which we have never really done) and its killing me- it make me feel so guilty and the kids are loving having mummy and daddy together so much- its hard but its me who is ending it and I feel so bad for being selfish but I cant live a lie

AnyFucker Sun 30-Nov-14 18:44:31

he is out of order to use false "family time" and getting the kids on board to emotionally manipulate you. I would lose all respect for a man that used kids in this way.

I wouldn't engage with any of it. Refuse to attend this "family time"'s a piss take if he has never been arsed to do it before

RandomMess Sun 30-Nov-14 18:48:01

If you are absolutely sure you do not want to give him a chance then I would email him that it's too late you've moved on and he needs to stop harassing you.

As an aside my dh had an epiphany about a week after I told him it was over and so far, well he's changed!

1moreRep Sun 30-Nov-14 18:53:55

I am absolutely sure- it got to the point where I just could not stand him touching me. He is a lovely man but it is too little to late.

sykadelic Sun 30-Nov-14 19:02:44

First, don't feel like it's you that's ending this. You said yourself in your OP that he wasn't taking you seriously, you tried for years, and this is simply too late. He wasn't fair to you all those years you tried and he didn't.

I think you should sit down and talk to him again (get angry if you have to) and tell him he should have tried years ago and now it's just too late. That all this family stuff is just confusing the kids. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to you. That it doesn't matter how hard he tries, nothing will undo the years of him not trying, and of you trying in vain.

That his "trying" is him being selfish again. He didn't want you when he had you, and now he doesn't have you he wants you... but that it's not just about what he wants. You wanted a happy family years ago, now you just want to be happy and that happiness doesn't include being in a relationship with him as anything other than co-parents.

Tell him to stop focusing on trying to get you back and instead focus on trying to minimise the affect this will have on the kids. Tell him you won't be going over this again. No more things as a family. No more of him trying to guilt you.

Don't reply to his needy messages. Don't go on "family" things anymore.

You said you still care about him, you still respect him - it's hard to turn that off. He's still the father of your children. He's still the man you spent 8 years with. He may just need this closure. He may just need to talk it out again. You've come to this decision and in a way that makes it easier for you. He's still coming to terms with what he's lost. He's feeling guilty, he's freaking out. He may just need for you to tell him that you don't hate him, you just don't love him in that way anymore.

RandomMess Sun 30-Nov-14 19:12:26

Everything what sykadelic says.

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