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abuse quizes

(6 Posts)
dottyp82 Sun 30-Nov-14 15:12:05

Ive taken a few of these which say im being abused. I confronted him with the results, and he is now saying that i am abusing him. Dont know what do do now. Scared and confused with no one to talk to

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Nov-14 15:28:50

I'm sorry you're having a bad time. Realistically, a bully is never going to admit that they are doing any bullying. Show them quizzes or point out they are in the wrong in any way and all you're going to get is more abuse, denials, refusals to listen etc. Throwing accusations of bullying back on the victim is pretty standard behaviour, unfortunately. Sorry you're scared.

Can you say more about your situation? Are you married or partners? Do you have children together? What are the barriers to you saying 'goodbye' to this person?

AnyFucker Sun 30-Nov-14 16:20:19

Please stop trying to get your abuser to understand what he is doing (you are simply supplying him with more ammunition) and get some professional advice from womens aid

For the same reason, do not even consider joint counselling with such a person

dottyp82 Sun 30-Nov-14 16:58:50

Thank you both. You have confirmed what i thought. Will take a look at the link

AnyFucker Sun 30-Nov-14 17:29:43

Good luck. Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is zero

MagicBacon Sun 30-Nov-14 17:48:40

You don't need a label to leave. Whether or not you name it as abuse, if he is doing things which make you upset or uncomfortable on a regular basis (& I'm assuming you've tried talking about it with him and got nowhere) then you can just leave. You don't need anyone's permission. I know that sounds obvious but I think sometimes we are so tied up in what is expected of us that we forget that we're allowed to put ourselves first.

The fact that you are trying to get him to see it from your side and he has just switched it back to you says that he is not concerned about you feeling unhappy or about how he can work with you to fix things.

Those 'quizzes' are helpful to identify a pattern and to help you see what is 'normal' when your boundaries have been skewed, but every situation is different, so regardless of which boxes he ticks, if you're not happy then you have every right to change things, with or without his input.

Well done for recognising your situation for what it is. As AF has said, whatever you find out should not be shared with him. It's not necessarily 'you vs him' now as I'm sure you have things you want to try and resolve, but you don't want to arm an abuser with more ammunition, so be careful what you tell him and cover your tracks while you try to figure out your next moves.

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