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How to deal with mismatched libidos?

(70 Posts)
saltedcaramelicious Sun 30-Nov-14 10:22:54

I've been seeing my partner for a year. At first it was the typical every time we saw each other we were doing it.
Nowadays though it can go over a week without anything, and we don't even live together yet (but spend at least half the weeknight a together and every weekend).
He just doesn't seem as bothered by it as me. I don't know if it's because we have an age gap, I am 28 and he is 49, so maybe it's natural he doesn't want it as much. He always compliments me and says how sexy and beautiful I am and when we do do it it's amazing, he hasn't got any problems in that actual department.
I wish I wanted it less!
Do I just need to accept that we are different in this way?

PauletteTheTart Sun 30-Nov-14 10:46:13

It depends what you want out of the relationship long-term.

Age can be a problem but I believe it's usually the other way around and women lose interest in sex earlier than men do. I'm 67 and still "up" for it but my partner is 65 and lost all interest 5 years ago. She knows I have a problem with that but is very resistant to relationship counselling.

More likely when a man loses interest at a younger age is that stress is playing its part and I certainly remember going through a time when I was less interested than my wife-at-the-time was. Due to societal traditions, men have a whole load of responsibilities thrust upon them and at 49 he may be going through that time when the future looms, rather than being something to ignore for now. Call it a mid-life-crisis if you wish (I'm on my third!) but it may be an important factor.

Another aspect may be that men often find repetitious sex becomes boring and need variety - not necessary in partners but in a change from simple horizontal jogging.

The answer? Communication.

heyday Sun 30-Nov-14 10:47:34

The age thing here is immaterial. He is still a young man really. Not everyone wants sex all the time and he is probably perfectly happy with the amount of sex you have now. Do you try to initiate sex? If so, does he reject you? Have you tried talking about it?
I guess if this is who he is then you have to decide if you can cope with it? Don't forget that as the relationship progresses then sex may well wane even more.
He obviously finds you very attractive and you generally have a good sex life, apart from frequency. Sometimes we don't always get the whole package. Could you invest in a vibrator to satisfy yourself in the days in between?
It's only you who can decide whether to continue in this relationship. Perhaps it might be an idea to look how good or bad the relationship is on the whole and weigh it all up.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Nov-14 10:49:00

I think you have to acknowledge that you are very different. Whether you accept it is another matter entirely. In the context of a long term relationship, mismatched sex drives tends to get worse rather than better. What bothers you in a minor way today can easily end up as a source of genuine resentment and unhappiness. If you're thinking of making a future with this person and physical affection is very important to you but not to him, then this is not something you just gloss over and hope goes away.. That would be foolish.

BTW... before you write anything off to 'age', my long-term boyfriend is 52 and I turn 50 in a couple of weeks. We don't live together either and we're both more enthusiastic about sex than he seems to be ... smile

AspieMan Sun 30-Nov-14 10:52:10

Man's perspective. It could be that sex has become a little monotonous for him. Males and females are influenced very differently by genetic factors when it comes to sex. This is caused by the fact that females are locked in, as it were, to pregnancy and child rearing once fertilization has occurred. A male can pass his genes down the line, theoretically, without investing the time and energy into child rearing that the female is committed to. This has resulted in prevalent behaviours in both genders that are referred to as 'The Battle of the Sexes' in biological terms.

This does not only apply to humans, rather to all sexually reproducing species. This is why males (humans and other species) are generally more promiscuous and females are generally more choosy. The female is genetically motivated to choose the absolute best partner (in humanspeak 'the man of her dreams') because she is locked into this situation once fertilization has occurred. He is actually subconsciously motivated to seek multiple sexual partners, to disperse his genome as widely as possible.

Now you understand why boy bands like the Beatles or One Direction are a thing, and why there is no female analogue. This is genetically motivated sexual behaviour. Generally speaking, females will strive to find the one perfect match and males will strive to disperse genes as widely as possible. So, your partner, like many males, may have become a little bored with sex with one partner. This is natural and sometimes unavoidable. You could try to mix things up in the bedroom and make it as new as possible for him every time to keep his interest alight.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Nov-14 10:55:06

Bored with sex when they don't even live together and have been seeing each other for less than a year?..... hmm I think it's ridiculous to tell the OP to 'mix it up'.

HellKitty Sun 30-Nov-14 10:58:00

So it's her fault? Eh?

BrowersBlues Sun 30-Nov-14 11:00:49

I agree with Cogito. There are so many posts on MN about mix matched libidos and they are very sad to read. The one thing that strikes me is how lonely and rejected the posters feel when their partner doesn't want sex with them. Please don't ignore this issue. Think very carefully before deciding whether or not you can accept it. It doesn't sound like you have having enough sex for two people who don't live together and are not bogged down in the usual issues that can put sex on the back burner.

Cogito - happy birthday in advance. I love your posts, you have a great outlook. Enjoy the celebrations!

Apols OP for digressing. I hope you can talk to your partner and work it out. You are very young to be settling for something that is not making you very happy.

AnyFucker Sun 30-Nov-14 11:02:17

Goodness, Aspieman that is a pile of evolutionary one track bollocks

Btw, did you know your name autocorrects to superman ?

heyday Sun 30-Nov-14 11:17:35

Spicing up a sex life is normally a valid point indeed but if that is really the case after just one year together and the fact that she is so much younger then sorry Aspie you are way off the mark. I think you are simply trying to put the case that she has to behave like a porn star or else the male has the 'excuse' to go off and sleep around.
Don't think for one moment that it's just men who get bored of sleeping with the same partner.

AspieMan Sun 30-Nov-14 11:35:39

I, like any of you, don't know the details of OP's relationship, just the skeletal facts provided. So anything any of us might say could be wildly inaccurate due to incomplete information. I totally concede that, I'm not saying that what I'm saying is correct. It's just a suggestion.

Men can often become bored with sex with one partner, even after a year. Yes some women will also experience this. Men will experience it more often. This is just truth. There are bird species where the female of the species will withhold sex until the male has built a suitable nest. The idea here is that the female is enforcing an investment of energy from the male making it uneconomical for him to seek a partner elsewhere as she also will insist on a nest. This promotes cooperation in raising the children.

The exact same thing happens in our species. The human version of that is a wedding ring or dowry. I'm not saying that this is forefront in our minds when we interact, but rather that these are some of the base reasons for why our society has developed the way it has. Many men will tell you that they often struggle with maintaining a truly fulfilling sexual relationship with one partner, and this, I believe, is the ultimate reason why. I'm just making suggestions to the OP that I think might help, I don't blame her for anything.

Twinklestein Sun 30-Nov-14 11:54:58

Save me from poorly digested evolutionary psychobabble.

Girls like boy bands because they fancy them. That has fuck all to do with the OP's sex life.

It's a moot point OP whether your partner has always had a low sex drive or whether his age is a factor. Some people's libidos wane as they age and some don't. Either way, looking to the long term, as an issue it's more likely to get worse rather than better...

Twinklestein Sun 30-Nov-14 11:58:49

Aspie - it's the female rather than the male who's got bored of their sex life in this case. He seems perfectly happy with once a week. He's not saying 'let's sex this up, do it more, in different and more exciting ways', quite the opposite, and that's the problem.

AspieMan Sun 30-Nov-14 12:04:36

Twinklestein, sorry I read the post as saying that she wanted it a lot more often than him. Rereading it and that is still the impression I get. I was suggesting that he could be engaged in having sex more often, if that is what the female wants, by mixing it up in the bedroom. Sorry if I misunderstood.

Arlagirl Sun 30-Nov-14 12:06:02

You sound like my FIL Aspieman.
When h told him I no longer wanted sex with him ( nice detail sharing h), FIL said its because my childbearing years are over, and I am a husk. I have had what I wanted from h (2children) and so I had no use for him.

Er no. I don't fancy him, he is a controlling depressive dull person who does not stimulate me emotionally or physically.

Arlagirl Sun 30-Nov-14 12:06:34

I may change my name to NotAHusk

AspieMan Sun 30-Nov-14 12:08:59

chamade, so you were still interested in sex with other men? If so, then I totally agree with you.

AspieMan Sun 30-Nov-14 12:15:34

Also Twinklestein you might want to rethink that stuff about the boy bands. Girls don't only like boy bands because they fancy them. I agree, they do. But, you're being a bit stupid here. They fancy them because they are genetically predisposed to be super attracted to THE ONE PERFECT MAN FOR THEM. It is not like this for young boys. There is no genetic predisposition making young guys completely lose their shit over the spice girls.

Do you not notice the difference? Are you so ingrained in your social world that it is impossible for you to objectively analyze your surroundings? It's actually quite interesting when you think about it. Female primates have a strong instinctual urge to mate with the alpha male. Do you not agree with this?

Twinklestein Sun 30-Nov-14 12:20:43

Do stop wittering you silly man. I would rethink Dawkins fixation, it's not doing you any favours.

AWholeLottaNosy Sun 30-Nov-14 12:21:44

OP I think you should find someone closer to your own age. Most blokes in their twenties can shag 5 times a night! Your bloke's sex drive is only going to decline. You're too young to not be having lots of fabulous sex! (IMO) smile

AspieMan Sun 30-Nov-14 12:24:29

Sorry, I don't mean to be antagonistic. I don't understand what you mean. What do you mean by Dawkins fixation is not doing me any favours?

PauletteTheTart Sun 30-Nov-14 12:25:45

Please, please, please don't assume that all blokes believe as AspieMan does.

I have never, ever been unfaithful yet both my exes were and I pity the poor suckers they're with now. I would still repeat my view that we generally like more variety in our sex lives than women do but that that variety is best when enjoyed in a loving relationship with one partner.

Twinklestein, just because he appears to want less sex doesn't mean he ^actually^ wants less sex - just that he may want more adventurous sex.

Call me old-fashioned in other ways but not in the bedroom!

PauletteTheTart Sun 30-Nov-14 12:29:04

Quote: AspieMan "Now you understand why boy bands like the Beatles or One Direction are a thing, and why there is no female analogue."

Have you never seen Girls Aloud!!? Works for me!! wink

TwoNoisyBoys Sun 30-Nov-14 12:39:55

I'm still open mouthed at the fact he called The Beatles a 'boyband' ......

....(sorry, not terribly helpful to the OP's problem!)

AspieMan Sun 30-Nov-14 12:46:20

Come on Paulette, have you noticed that it is not a thing for hetero teenage boys to pack out a stadium for four nights on the trot, bursting into literal tears at being in line of sight to their sexual idols? But this is very common for girls, in this time and in previous eras, they are screaming 'ringo, oh ringo' or 'zane' 'harry' etc, there is no comparable phenomenon with boys idolizing girl bands. Have you ever asked yourself why? A single example of a man liking a famous woman here or there is not a counter argument, we're talking meta-culture here. Of course there will be some males who are very happy with the girl of their dreams, and some women will only be fulfilled with many sexual partners at all times throughout their sexual life. If you can't see the distinction between general and specific then I don't know what to say.

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