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Amicable break up?

(10 Posts)
HaventAbaldy Sat 29-Nov-14 22:17:47

I think DP and I have finally found the balls to call it a day.
After 16 years.
We have talked tonight and agreed that in the new year we will put the house on the market and go our separate ways.
I am crying and he has cried but we know it is the only thing to do.
My head knows we have to do this and even my heart is a little bit excited at what might lay ahead for me, but to walk away from a beautiful, funny, cool, generous, smart kind man because we have become like siblings (no sex for 2 years and constant bickering etc) after 16 years of shared everything is soooooo hard.
Please help me to be strong enough to see this through this time.
I'm 39, I've probably lost the chance to have children and I can't remember how it feels to be wanted/loved but we've been here before and the pain (and upheaval) of really breaking up has kept us unhappily together.

Hassled Sat 29-Nov-14 22:28:00

It sounds unbearably sad, and I'm sorry. Do you think you'll be able to salvage a friendship out of it?

worserevived Sat 29-Nov-14 22:28:38

Firstly you haven't necessarily lost the chance to have children. I had my first at 40, and an pregnant with my second at 42. Do you want children? Is this a factor in your break up? I only ask because the children issue was a significant factor in significant problems in my marriage. We were never on the same page at the same time, but never really talked about it. If it is, talk about it.

overslept Sat 29-Nov-14 22:33:09

I was with my ex for 5 years, not long at all compared to 16 but I'm only 26, so most of my adult life really. When we separated I was tired, we bickered all the time, silly things annoyed us. We would rather do our own things (well I would and he would resent me for going out on my own etc). We split and remained friends. He had massive regrets after we separated, which I did not think he would. I did not have any. In fact when he left I felt amazing, I could go out, come home to peace, not have to worry about what he would say/do/think about anything I did. not have to listen to his opinions and what I was doing either.
After separating I was very happy, happier than I had been in years, I felt no need to completely cut him off though. The man knows everything about me and there is no resentment there. He finds it harder than me as I have moved on and have a new DP and he wanted me back. We are still friends though. You can separate and remain on good terms so long as you both respect the other and respect new boundaries. I only chat to my ex online, I would not meet him in person as I would not want to complicate things when I'm happy just to send the odd online message, cause him any upset and most importantly I wouldn't want my DP meeting his ex, so I wouldn't do that to him.

makeitabetterplace Sat 29-Nov-14 22:38:09

Oh so sad :-( it's going to be a lonely, unsettling journey for a bit but there will be happy surprises along the way. You can totally remain friends but you'll probably need a period of distance first. I split with partner at 36. Now, at 38, I'm pregnant and married. Never saw either of that happening for me - good luck to you thanksthanks

wasbumpers Sat 29-Nov-14 22:40:13

Me and my DH have had the split up chat so many times over the last few months and each time the thought of not being with him results in us 'giving it another go'. I've been with him 15 years and can't imagine life alone without him around. Our relationship has been hard for too many years, but it seems impossible to make the break. Sorry to hijack, but it's consuming me. I feel your pain.

HaventAbaldy Sat 29-Nov-14 22:50:39

Thank you all.
worserevived we went through 4 rounds of IVF a few years ago (unsuccessful, unexplained infertility). Given that it's unlikely I'll ever get naturally pregnant, chances of ever having a child are slim to nil.
wasbumpers sounds very similar, sorry. I know exactly what you mean about not being able to imagine life without him. We have been through so much together. I've spent pretty much every day of my life with him since I was 23. I hope you find your answer and I hope it isn't too painful.
I think I might be around here a lot over the next wee while.

Queenofwands Sun 30-Nov-14 03:42:31

Just want to say good luck, I split with an ex in similar circumstances after 15 years. Ex is still in my life and is now very happily married. I am with the one and couldn't be happier. You will find yourself when you move on. I wish you both all the best. (Flowers)

Queenofwands Sun 30-Nov-14 03:45:28

Sorry about the (flowers)

bitofanoddone Sun 30-Nov-14 04:37:53

Haven'tABaldy, I applaud you, I really do. We are there but are just not brave enough to do it. Probably because we are from different countries, live in a third and have 3 small children. That just seems insurmountable but I wish i was waking up to being single tomorrow.

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