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Abusive relationship advice for dsis

(11 Posts)
Doubtfuldaphne Sat 29-Nov-14 19:43:25

Dsis has been with her dp for about 2 years. He seemed full of charm and she thought he was me perfect.
She soon after found that quite a few of things he had told her weren't true. She then found he had been married (he didn't tell her) and he later admitted to her that it was true.
Still they've carried on. He's financially and emotionally abusive. She works more than she ever has before and has less money now than she ever has. She pays for them to go on holiday - he complains that he doesn't like it and causes arguments - and to his country (where he leaves her with the women in the family who speak no English)
He can be fine for a while and she says how happy she is but then I get messages saying he's gone crazy with her again, putting her down, shouting, leaving her and telling her not to contact him until he returns, throwing food back at her that she's made him, the list is endless.
All I can say is please leave him as it will get worse/he won't change etc
It's good that she tells me every time but on the other hand it makes me feel very stuck as there's not much I can do.
To make it worse she wants them both to come to our house this Christmas. Obviously I'd love to spend Christmas with my sister but not him. If I say he can't come I will probably not see her.
What can I do? I really hope someone has some advice for me.
She's won't listen to anyone.

Doubtfuldaphne Sat 29-Nov-14 19:44:48

'Thought he was perfect' not 'thought he was me perfect'!

Steben Sat 29-Nov-14 19:46:54

Do they have DC? Does she say she wants to leave? What is stopping her from confronting him?

Doubtfuldaphne Sat 29-Nov-14 19:51:00

No she's in her twenties and does want children which makes me worry as they'd not be growing up in a nice environment if she did.
Apparently according to my father she does stick up for herself and he thinks she is no push over.
She's told me that she's replied to him and he's got even more abusive. She then chases him and repeatedly phones / texts him asking him to come back. A lot of the time he causes arguments before he's due to go out with friends.
So as far as I know she doesn't make it clear this is unacceptable she's very much the peace keeper.

Tonight he lost it and complained he has fewer friends than he had before he met her.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Nov-14 20:05:28

It's frustrating to watch someone you care about throwing their life away on someone who is abusive. If she feels she's giving as good as she gets she'll be reluctant to admit she's got this one badly wrong. All you can do really is keep close. Let the abuser know that she has people who care about her and let her know that you are there when she needs help getting shot. Point her in the direction of Women's Aid when there is another episode of abuse. If you are really worried about violence at any stage, bypass her completely and call the police

Doubtfuldaphne Sat 29-Nov-14 20:25:33

Thank you yes I'll do that. I really don't know what to do about Xmas!

Rebecca2014 Sat 29-Nov-14 20:28:14

This is her path to take. My sbeh was verbally abusive and my family still welcomed us for Christmas because they wanted me there.

dirtybadger Sat 29-Nov-14 20:32:56

Would he be bothered if she went to yours on her own for a few hours? If it'll rub either of them up the wrong way you can frame it as bring "for" you (you've been feeling low, or miss her, or whatever other excuse)?
As much as I would want to see and support my dsis on Xmas day in your situation it would stress me out if the scumbag dp is there- and you do deserve a stress free (ish?) Xmas!

Steben Sat 29-Nov-14 20:43:12

I would rather have my sister near me at xmas - perhaps show her this thread? Might make her realise hmm

Steben Sat 29-Nov-14 20:43:18

I would rather have my sister near me at xmas - perhaps show her this thread? Might make her realise hmm

Doubtfuldaphne Sat 29-Nov-14 21:01:24

I am considering showing her this thread. Her dp doesn't even celebrate Xmas as he's Muslim! I just wish I could get her to leave him before Xmas.
Sadly I'm powerless

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