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Is he being unreasonable?

(58 Posts)
Sofiathefirst Sat 29-Nov-14 09:15:46

Last night I saw four messages on the iPad between DP of 10 years and a colleague of his. I thought they were inappropriate and challenged him about it. He said it was just a laugh. This morning I can accept this and forget it. But last night he just didn't respond as I would have hoped. In fact, he just took the opportunity to cast up an issue from a few years ago which has never really gone away.

At that time, I stupidly told him that I had had an affair with a colleague (years before I met DP). The colleague and I were both married at the time.

Anyway, the impact of this was huge. Weeks and months of verbal abuse and grovelling by me.

Last night he reminded me that his feelings towards me have changed since that time, that he has told me this repeatedly so why I am I surprised.

He says I am not the person I was - which is true. I have changed to try to deal with how he treats me. I am always on my best behaviour so to speak. I try not to rock the boat, to keep everything on a even keel. Why oh why did I mention those messages last night?

Meanwhile I am unhappy. I feel unloved, unappreciated and resentful that I don't deserve this over something that happened years ago and was nothing to do with us.

Is he being UR or is it me?

FiftyShadesofScreeeeeeeam Sat 29-Nov-14 09:22:42

Why are you being punished for your previous relationship with a colleague? That's absolutely fuck all to do with him.

What are you getting out of this relationship? Apart from misery? What is he getting out of it?

You're walking on eggshells just to placate him. This is not a normal way to live.

The messages to his colleague, where they overtly sexual? Because you seem to have let it go but I'm wondering if he's got you so worn down that you don't trust your judgement on this one. If I discovered my DP was sending inappropriate messages to anyone else he'd find his arse bouncing off the pavement closely followed by his clothes.

I'm sorry but it sounds like you're in a horrible, toxic relationship and I think the problem is with your partner.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Nov-14 09:24:18

He's being unreasonable. There's that saying isn't there.... 'the best form of defence is attack'? So rather than address the immediate complaint of inappropriate e-mails from a colleague, he diverts the conversation into something you did wrong in the past that has no real relevance to the problem in hand. Result.... you're on the defensive, 'grovelling', he pretends he's on the moral high ground, and the original complaint is never adequately resolved.

It's unreasonable, unfair and it's a form of bullying.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Nov-14 09:26:20

BTW why did you tolerate verbal abuse from him about your past affair? And why did you feel the need to grovel to him? How long have you been together as DPs? What ties you together? (Kids? Money?) What's stopping you from kicking this bully to the kerb?

SolidGoldBrass Sat 29-Nov-14 09:27:11

This man thinks he is entitled to punish you for the rest of your life for having been 'immoral' in the past. Unfortunately, you have internalised the idea that you deserve punishment for this long ago affair. You don't. Affairs are upsetting, boohoo, feelings get hurt, etc, but no one died and it was a long time ago. And nothing to do with your current partner anyway. He's a shit and he won't change - you would be a lot better off without him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Nov-14 09:27:22

" I am always on my best behaviour so to speak. I try not to rock the boat, to keep everything on a even keel."

More evidence of bullying from him .... or 'emotional abuse' if you prefer.

Sofiathefirst Sat 29-Nov-14 09:29:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Nov-14 09:32:32

The text exchange could be something or nothing. It's the pattern of bullying behaviour he subjects you to that is the real problem, you're right. In a healthy relationship, you should not feel 'worn down', unloved, unappreciated, resentful etc.... that's usually the effect of abuse.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 29-Nov-14 09:35:00

Do you really think this is innocent?. He thinks you're a mug.

You would be now better off apart. This is really on its last legs and he is not above emotionally abusing you to boot either now. He is really not worthy at all of you.

The messages between he and his work colleague are inappropriate and unprofessional at the very least. Boundaries here are being broken.

Sofiathefirst Sat 29-Nov-14 09:35:49

sad I think he is being UR. But before that awful confession, things were really great. It changed everything. I just feel so down sad

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 29-Nov-14 09:37:57

You were not even with this man when you had an affair with a work colleague but its a useful stick for him now to further beat you with. You do not deserve punishment now for this long ago affair either.

Why are you really still together at all?.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Nov-14 09:42:28

How did you come to tell him about your past affair? What was your motivation for doing so at the time? Was it something you volunteered or was it in answer to a direct question? What is the timeline between the affair, starting the relationship with DP and when you told him about your past?

A bully, you see, will take any minor weakness and exploit it ruthlessly. When you're in a relationship with a bully, it often starts off 'really great'. When they feel secure, that's when they start to be unpleasant.

What ties you to DP? What stops you from leaving?

diddl Sat 29-Nov-14 09:42:57

I think that you are being unreasonable-for staying with him!

"I am always on my best behaviour so to speak. I try not to rock the boat, to keep everything on a even keel."

If someone told you that that's how they acted with their partner, what would you say to them?

ThePinkOcelot Sat 29-Nov-14 09:44:38

Why are you walking on eggshells over something that had absolutely nothing to do with him. Even if it was him you cheated on, you should not be walking on eggshells now!! You need to take back your control. Either tell him to drop it and stop torturing you for it or kick him to the kerb. Personally, I would go with the latter!

Sofiathefirst Sat 29-Nov-14 09:47:51

I need to go out now, but thanks for replies. I will be back later. I've reported the text post in case it puts me - hope that's ok.

Quitelikely Sat 29-Nov-14 09:49:12

Now I might understand if he was the one you were married to when you had your affair!

You really need to take a form line here. Refuse absolutely to discuss your past affair. It's in the past.

Ask him why he is still with you if he thinks so badly of you?

You need to have a long talk with him about how you are feeling about the relationship in general and see how he responds.

Tbh just because you love someone it doesn't mean it's a reason to stay. There are a combination of factors that are needed to enable a successful relationship with respect and trust being imperative. Are these factors present? If not why not? Can they be worked on?

If not you're flogging a dead horse IMO

Sofiathefirst Sat 29-Nov-14 09:49:24

*Outs me

dreamingbohemian Sat 29-Nov-14 09:51:24

I don't think the texts even matter. You should leave him anyway, he's a bully and a jerk.

Even your posts here show how much he has ground you down and warped your thinking, so you feel guilty about things you should feel angry about and not tolerate.

You know you can have better, right? He is not your master, he's just a guy, you don't have to put up with this.

HellKitty Sat 29-Nov-14 09:53:02

Jesus. His feelings for you haven't changed they've just been dormant. He is using this 'affair' of yours as THE excuse to treat you like shit and keep you in your place.

1. The affair is nothing to do with him
2. It didn't affect your relationship as you weren't together.

If you hadn't told him then do you really think you'd make a great couple?

This is EA.
And I don't think his messages are innocent, or at least will lead to something. I also think that your affair will be his excuse to shag this woman to make it all your fault.

WhereTheWildlingsAre Sat 29-Nov-14 09:59:11

The texts are neither here nor there really.

What bothers me is the way he is treating you over something that happened before he met you. His bullying behaviour is intolerable and it's a way of controlling you

Castlemilk Sat 29-Nov-14 10:28:27

The texts are kind of unimportant.

He's a little bully - who thinks because he's got something 'over' you, he can do what he likes - and use it as his faithful stick to beat you with. If this is representative of the man he is, you could do better, and be happier without him.

Time to knock this on the head.

Two ways to do this:
1. Dump him. Unless he is fantastic in every other way and this treatment is a result of general insecurity etc., I'd recommend this. He's not sounding like a partner worth keeping.

2. Call his bluff. Tell him that's it. You've had enough of this treatment. Although you've apologised to him for what happened in YOUR past, actually, you didn't have to. It's nothing to do with him or with your relationship, and he has no right to use it as a means to punish you - when you've given him no reason to distrust you within your relationship. He's got every right to choose not to be in a relationship with someone he considers not trustworthy because of their past - but what he doesn't get to do is choose that relationship, enjoy it, then utilise that past as a way of controlling you. So - either he dumps you because he doesn't trust you, OR he tells you now that he is continuing the relationship because he trusts and loves you - and if that's the case, the subject of your past is CLOSED. If he brings it up again, you'll assume he simply has no trust in you and you will ditch him.

And follow through.

Sofiathefirst Sat 29-Nov-14 11:02:37

We were together for several years before I told him. He considers that I duped him from the outset and that everything before was based on lies and deceit.

We have one DD and there are 2 DSS (p/t).

I try my best to do everything for everyone on a practical level and keep my chin up. My feelings for him have also changed. No wonder!

But I seem to have waived my right to complain about anything, ever.

The whole "you were the one who caused this" chat is always there in the background ready to raise it's ugly head if I get too far out of line.

I'm so upset this morning my DD could see I'd been crying. I'd it wasn't for her I'd be long gone. I just couldn't bear to be a part time mum. She's all I've got. sad

WhereTheWildlingsAre Sat 29-Nov-14 11:07:01

I think you need to consider what her watching this relationship as she grows up will do to her idea of what a marriage should look like. I can see leaving would be really had but is it really harder than staying?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Nov-14 11:07:32

Duped him from the outset? Please tell me you can see how self righteous and unreasonable he is to say that. I'd still like to know how the 'condession' came about because I would be very unsurprised if it was engineered deliberately. ... 'tell me your weaknesses so that I can beat you over the head with them for ever'.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 29-Nov-14 11:15:39

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships here, surely not this abusive role model of one. It is precisely because of your DD that this man needs to be gone from your life.

He's already ground you down more than enough, do not let him drag you down further into his pit.

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