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Feeling alone, don't know what to do.(13 Posts)
I don't know what to do. I love my DH, but I'm not sure he has a positive effect on my life. He has MH stuff, and his family are very controlling. I went back into education a couple of years ago, which is a huge thing for me. My dad is also unwell, extremely so. I am aware that DH needs more support than say, the average partner. Am I selfish for needing support from him?
He is mostly fine, just maybe a bit awkward and a bit detached to be around. When he drinks, he goes off on one, and has a shout at me about his delusions, ridiculing me for problems that I have had in the past. He's told his family about all my stuff, which i told him in confidence. Without saying too much, when drunk, he rants about not being able to take drugs, because for a million reasons, I cannot be with a drug-taker. He was never a drug-addict, yet resents the fact that I took his option away to use drugs. I am a recovering addict, been so for 8 years.
Tonight he went off, telling me he wanted to take a particular drug that I used to be addicted to, after he'd been drinking all day.
I've read this back, and thinking wtf?? I do know that a lot of it is the way his MH condition affects him. But mostly, he's a sane, rational person, who knows how much all this shitty behaviour affects me.
Don't know what I'm asking, mostly I just wanted to write this stuff down.
He sounds like a complete and utter wanker!
Why on earth would anyone want to share their life with someone like this?
Let him go and take his drugs if that's what he wants because he clearly is only with you under sufferance, and it all comes out when he's pissed.
When I read OP's like yours, it just reminds me why I'm single,
He is with me under sufferance isn't he? I guess I was the more appealing option to his family, who he lived with when we first met.
He once told me that if i went back on the drugs (not a chance btw) he would leave because he "couldn't handle seeing me like that". Yet taunts me with the fact that because he's with me, he now doesn't have the option. Even after 8 years clean, i still have to remain vigilant. If he doesn't want to support me, fair enough. But to actually jeopordise it...
I met him 4 years into my recovery, after deciding to stay away from relationships. I'm beginning to remember why...
It sounds terrible for you. He's an addict. Is he saying that he has no choice but to drink/use because of you?? That's nonsense. It is his own choice.
You are a recovering addict and you need to put that first.
He uses the drugs thing to hurt me. He knows that I have to put my recovery above everything, so maybe feels jealous of it, if that makes sense? He doesn't do drugs, just taunts me with it. It doesn't make me want to use, just feel fucking furious that he would use that to taunt me.
He does have some MH issues, which i support him with. Even though rationally, I know that it's his psychosis talking, or whatever, I selfishly think, why is it all about me supporting you? Where's my fucking support?
You have the right to be supported by those that claim to love you, and MH issues don't give people the right to act like a total arse!! You would be better off alone, and without him clogging your life you'll have the space to meet someone who will really care about you and offer back the support you offer to them. You've done do well to stay clean, you're so string, don't let him drag that away from you x
Blimey, he's angry with you because your situation means he can't take drugs around you?!!
Well done you for getting and staying clean. Tell him to fuck off for being an unsupportive, pathetic waste of space.
It's admirable that you want to support him through his own MH issues, but yyou'd be so much better off on your own. You only have one life. Is this what you want it to look like..?
MH issues only excuse so much. You're not obliged to sacrifice your own life on the altar of MH issues and tolerate the kind of appalling behaviour you're describing. Does he get treatment, medication or therapy? Does he take responsibility for his behaviour? Apologise or make it up to you?
Ultimately, if he needs a lot of support and you're unable to provide it then that's an incompatibility that you're probably not going to overcome. Sounds like your life and your various challenges would be easier without him in it.
So why are you still with him? Can you get this person out of your life once and for all. You will be far better off.
Is he taking his medication (if applicable, I assume so if he has periods of psychosis)? Does his drinking result from or trigger the psychosis?
I was initially going to say something along the lines of;
If he's drinking and the drinking is triggering something making him be a dick, he needs to be responsible for his behaviour. If he knows he does it, he shouldn't drink. The fact he knowingly does it, repeatedly, would leave me with few options...
If he is already unwell when he starts drinking then I was am somewhat more sympathetic but in any case I'm afraid it doesn't sound like you are the person he can or should be with. You have your own problems and they need to take precedence. Specifically, his wellbeing and happiness doesn't trump yours.
Apologies if I've misinterpreted the situation but it sounds to me like this only happens when he drinks (which is a bit strange if it's his MH problems causing the outbursts, non?) so I've addressed it as such.
Yes, the dickish behaviour only happens when he drinks. He's on really strong medication (anti-psychosis meds) which is obviously incompatable with alcohol. He knows this, but still gets wasted on beer once a week, invariably turning into a twat.
I'm pretty much at the end of my tether and have been thinking about separation. I've spoken to him to him today and he's promised to stop drinking. He apologised and bought flowers. I've asked him to move into the spare room for now.
My eyes are sore from crying and I just feel so exhausted from it all.
I agree that just because you live with someone who has mental health issues it does not mean you have to ignore abuse. It seems like the abuse escalated when he drinks. Feeling exhausted and crying a lot is a massive sign that things are pretty bad. It is good that he has agreed to stop drinking.
If he doesn't succeed ask him to leave for a trial separation. It is sad when someone self destructs but you can't risk going under as well. As MNs always say you didn't create his problem and you cannot cure the problem.
Well done on getting off drugs, that can't have been easy. You are stronger than you think. Put yourself first.
Life can be So totally exhausting at times and quite overwhelming.
It sounds like you have been through so much in your life and can be so proud of yourself for getting free of the drugs. It's now the time to take stock of your life and decide what is important for YOUR wellbeing here as you have to be your number one priority.
I think, in all honesty, you need to have some time apart. I think he probably needs you much more than you need him. You have a great deal to cope with but your partner either can't or won't support you.
I think we all get into patterns of destructive thoughs or behaviours and this may be the case in your relationship. Unless you really put your foot down then nothing is going to change. Take some time to work out if you really want to continue in this relationship. If you do then you need to sit down and talk to each other and see if you can find a way forward. If not, then it really is time to start looking at your options re accommodation, finances etc.
You sound like a very strong person indeed and I feel that if you think rationally now and prioritise yourself then you will find a way out of this dark period in your life.
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