Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Need some support

(22 Posts)
Whoaminow1 Sat 29-Nov-14 00:16:58

Need some advice re x husband

I'll keep the story brief... He left me after 24 yrs ... Suddenly. I found a text he sent to a close friend, he sent her a very expensive present. In the run up to this he had been off with me for about a year, saying he didn't know how he felt about me. However he wanted things to carry on as normal. I worked looked after three kids tried to show him how much I loved him. During this time he started to meet, text a very good friend of mine. I asked her to back off and asked him to distance her. They both said I was paranoid..that there was nothing going on. I organised a big 50 th party for him , 18th and 16th combined for him and the kids. When I saw the text re present he walked. Said he hadn't loved me for ten years. I was devistated , had to tell over a100 people the party was off

His only explanation was we had grown apart, I was a financial burden to him, and I didn't understand his buissness pressures

My family were devistated, my elderly parents loved him, they both have mild dementia, lots of tears, stress over money... They helped me pay for the solicitor.i come from a big loving family and to say this was a shock is a understatement.

He refused any idea of councelling, that was it his mind was made up. Within weeks I found out he was sleeping with my friend( and bridesmaid)

And now, I have moved and I am trying to move on. However my teenage daughter is struggling with anger and depression. She is seeing a councellor who has helped. Today her Dad went with her and she told me he sat and said that "we were unhappy" and I was financially irresponsible. She came out still upset and the councelling will go on

I'm writting this because the x asked me if he could see my parents. They have said it's ok, and I'm doing it for the sake of the kids. The thing is they are very vunerable, Dad has dementia. They don't like conflict , so they have agreed. We are meeting tomorrow. I am dreading it because my husband is a charmer, very cool, buissness like. I'm sure he is going to sit there and in a relaxed fashion tell them we were unhappy for ages etc, that I was a financial strain bla bla. That for the sake of the kids we should all be friends etc. It's going to break my heart all over again sad

Millli Sat 29-Nov-14 00:47:11

Sorry, how awful for you. Don't let him meet with your parents. He just wants to tell them the same thing he said in your daughters counselling session. What he is saying is him rewriting your history because he is having an affair and trying to justify it. He is causing you more pain.

Drumdrum60 Sat 29-Nov-14 00:54:03

If it will upset you don't do it. You don't have to please him anymore. He's being manipulative and trying to look like someone he's not.
If you are upset it will hurt the children. Your parents shouldn't have to listen to his BS. Tell him no.
Good god ! That woman was no friend. Unbelievable. They deserve each other.
Fine tune your radar for the future. You are being too nice. Think about you for a change. Keep moving on and lots of good luck in the future.

Whoaminow1 Sat 29-Nov-14 00:56:51

I know, but the children keep saying Dad wants to see Grandma and Grandpa and he asks after them . I don't want to do the wrong thing. The bottom line is he still makes me feel it was my fault, that I should get over it, that the whole family should get over it ! He is still with my old friend, and in all the time she has never contacted me or shown any remorse. They both make me feel utterly worthless with this attitude

Whoaminow1 Sat 29-Nov-14 01:03:42

Thankyou Drumdrum60 you are right. I will go through with tomorrow , purely so he can't say I stopped him from seeing my parents. I want to do the right thing for my kids. I will just have to stay detatched and not speak when he sits and calmly tells them a lot of bullshit. How do you make people be honest and take ownership for there actions! It is so soul destroying to watch someone you loved so much act in such a cold, buissness like fashion.

overslept Sat 29-Nov-14 01:10:17

OP that is an awful awful thing to go through. You deserve so much better. They sound like disgusting excuses for human beings. I can't even begin to imagine how painful this must all be for you, even when it hurts though remember that you are well rid of people in your life who would treat you like this. It was in no way your fault and of course he wants to make you think it was, he doesn't want to shoulder any blame or take any responsibility for his actions.
I don't think you should let him see your parents either, they are YOUR parents. Just say no. Don't let him manipulate your family with his charm. Would they see through it for what he is really like? Any scum can have a shiny surface.

Millli Sat 29-Nov-14 01:25:33

You don't have to do this for your children either. They don't understand what you ate going through. Stand up for yourself and do something he will never expect you to do. Cancel and say that you don't want this. Be strong. He may get defensive or angry but he will also be surprised that you are being strong. The more you can stand up and start doing what you want, the more surprised he will be.

Adarajames Sat 29-Nov-14 02:38:33

Oh heavens , tell him to fuck off and keep going to paraphrase a popular mn comment! He's being utterly revolting to you, you do not need to let him see your parents, especially as they are vulnerable, and I'm sure you explain that to your children who will certainly understand why! Big hugs and strength to you, be strong and don't let him rewrite everything, tell those important to you the real story and the others don't matter xx

badbaldingballerina123 Sat 29-Nov-14 02:40:08

I don't think you should enable his manipulation of your parents. Particularly given their health. I really don't see what benefit there is to your dc in allowing this.

Your teenage daughter is old enough to be told that grandparents are ill and it isn't appropriate.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Nov-14 08:10:01

I'm sorry that your relationship broke down but, to a certain extent, your exH will be justifying his decision as the right one - to himself if no-one else. If he was unhappy, he was unhappy. The 'financial burden' thing sounds rather arrogant so you can ignore that but you can't really argue with someone's level of happiness. Not that it was your responsibility to make him happy and not that I suspect he was unhappy 'for years'... but clearly he thought life with a new woman would make him happier and that's what he's gone for. His loss....

What's wrong now is that he's trying to justify himself to the wrong people. Your DD does not need to hear a rationalisation of why he left but how he is going to restore his relationship with her now that you are not together. Your parents may appreciate an apology and a chance to express their disappointment - not a justification. I would cancel any meetings therefore as inappropriate.

FreudianGymSlip Sat 29-Nov-14 09:44:21

OP he is definitely attempting to manipulate the situation which makes me think the whole "I was unhappy for years" story is a lie which the public relations exercise is designed to cover up (and discredit you in the process).

You owe him nothing. This is not about your children. This is about you and him. My mother had dementia when my ex did and said the same things as yours. She would have told him to fuck off, frankly, dementia or not. Because I was her daughter and he had hurt me, and everyone else, beyond belief.

Have you visited Chump Lady? I think you'll find some reassuring words there - he's already served you up enough shit sandwiches and you don't have to swallow any more.

Drumdrum60 Sat 29-Nov-14 11:51:56

Why should he talk to your parents? No no no. Come on man up! Stop letting him control you and the situation!
But if you do go ahead let us know how things went and move forward.

Whoaminow1 Sat 29-Nov-14 19:52:07

Ok. So he came, and it was truly serreal . He came in smiling, sat down and chatted non stop for half an hour. Basically he spoke so much we couldn't get a word in. He just asked my Mum question after question about the family, how's so and so, how's he, how's my niece , next niece , next nephew ( about 20 in all! )Dad didn't speak, Mum was polite. He behaved like he had just popped out and bought a pint of milk a year ago and had just returned. Before anyone had a chance to say , how about you? He smilingly said he had to leave and left. No mention of his deceit, lies , the fact he left me for. Close friend. Just acted like a charming son in Law. Very very weird..... I'm well out of it . He is Definately never going to show any remorse to his children, me or my parents... I think he is a bit mental!

Whoaminow1 Sat 29-Nov-14 20:07:07

He's just sent me a text " not quite what I anticipated but Thankyou anyway"

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Nov-14 20:13:57

That sounds like a man that lost his bottle to me.....

overslept Sat 29-Nov-14 21:48:37

What Cogito said.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 Sat 29-Nov-14 22:30:20

Why is he going into the counselling with your dd?
My daughter has been receiving counselling this year ( 10 when she started) after she witnessed her father threatening suicide and she has always had each session with just the counsellor.
Personally I think she needs time to speak to counsellor without either of you there.

Drumdrum60 Sat 29-Nov-14 22:59:01

We'll bet your glad that's over and how utterly pointless it was. Just an opportunity for him to be an evasive dick at everyone else's expense. Just ignore him and concentrate on dc.
Now you know why he shouldn't go to counselling with dd because it would be more of the same bullshit.
Find your strength see the light and break free from his malign influence.
Plan for happiness from tomorrow !

Drumdrum60 Sat 29-Nov-14 23:01:29

Don't bother seeking remorse from him it's not worth it. Move on big time.

ArtVandelay Sat 29-Nov-14 23:04:24

Hugs - he is a massive shit. I hope he gets incurable arse boils. Glad he's out of your life.

AnyFucker Sat 29-Nov-14 23:05:57

That was an exercise in boosting his self deception that he's a decent bloke who has made the right decision for all involved wasn't it ?

Please don't engage in that kind of shit again.

Detach completely but watch out for your kids. He will have no compunction in manipulating their perception of him to make himself feel better

Lambzig Sat 29-Nov-14 23:07:14

IP please don't enable his stupid mind games again. I am so sorry that you have been treated like this. I truly believe that you will come out being happier for escaping him in the long run. Please remember your DD needs protecting from his need to be in the right. Take care.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: