Contemplating divorce and 'D'H just got fired

[suchabloodymess]

Have been trying to work out what to do, regarding separation following (relatively minor) DV incident involving the police a few weeks ago which was the last straw for me.. Now 'D'H just got fired from his senior well-paid job today.

Whole sorry state of affairs on previous thread:

Thread

I'm trying to gather my thoughts on what this means.

1. He's going to be home ALL THE TIME
   
2. He's asking for loads of assurances "As long as WE'RE ok, then it'll be fine" which I can't give him...
   
3. I have a bomb to drop, better to do it now, can't leave it until he has started or is about to start a new job?
   
4. But I will be the b*tch who kicked the poor, poor man when he was down.
   
5. He'll be the poor saintly house husband and über dad, and I'll be the absent heartless career woman. He'll monopolise the children and become de-facto primary carer.
   

I think it's all going to kick off, and I'm not ready and I'm frightened.

Help.

Please.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Are you in danger?

If you're not I wouldn't say anything or give him any idea right now. Maybe he will find a job quickly?

What you don't want is him establishing himself at home as he's got an inkling that you're off.

[suchabloodymess]

No, not in danger. i don't think. H looks a bit frantic, but I don't think he would harm me.

He already has inklings. What I am supposed to do when he keeps saying "Just tell me we're ok, let me know we're fine" etc. How can I say that to him?

Already been trying to monopolise the children. Now he has infinite time. And I have to earn.

Don't know how quickly he'll find a job. Is v. senior, which bizarrely makes it harder in some ways.

FUCK. I'm here at work trying to stop shaking sufficiently to go home. He picked the children up from school, he's just got back from a biz trip to India.

I don't know what to do/say. Am panicking.

[LaurieFairyCake]

It sounds too frightening for you to stay

Have you somewhere to go?

[suchabloodymess]

Have to stay. Will escalate everything to thermo-nuclear and a tussle with the children if I try and go. Trying to work out what to say/ not to say.

[BertieBotts]

Honestly? Simplistic, but, there's never a good time. Better to leave now than wait and give him the opportunity to monopolise. He's probably unlikely to look for a new job this side of Christmas. If police were involved in DV incident then he is unlikely to be awarded residency of the children if it even did go to court which is unlikely.

He's going to insist you're "the bitch" any time. Just rip off that bandage!

[suchabloodymess]

I just don't feel ready. I'll have to leave the house with the children (because he won't), and I have nowhere to go where the can go to school on Monday and I can go to work.

[molesbreath]

I don't think you can say 'yeah we will be fine' because from what you post - you won't!

Maybe a non committal 'it will all sort itself out in the long term'

What's the reason for dismissal ?

[Tryharder]

Well if he's unemployed, why he is not in a position to be the primary carer?

Playing Devil's advocate here but if you're working, why would you rather your kids spend their time in nursery etc rather than with their Dad?

I just think if this were a man asking, he would be shot down in flames for even daring to suggest that the partner who is at home FT should not be the primary carer.

What posters are basically advising is to deceive him about your intentions, make sure he's in a bad position, then stitch him up. Which is wrong.

You need to talk about how you can split amicably, what can be done to best accommodate and look after the DCs as a team albeit in separate houses rather than together. If that means he has the kids at the week, you at the weekend, then so be it.

[GritStrength]

Have you taken legal advice on the situation? If not I would as a priority.

Also in terms of primary carer, he's been out of work for a matter of hours and sounds like wants to get back into work although yes more senior roles can take longer as there are far viewer of them. I can't see that makes him default carer immediately.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Eh?

He's violent and of course she has to deceive him and make sure he doesn't get the kids?

Did you miss the abusive bit?

It's not all the same as someone who's not abusive, this is someone who was going to leave him anyway as he was abusive

[suchabloodymess]

He has said previously if I file for divorce he will seek full custody of the children. The children are in school. I want to leave, there is the issue of a trip to his home country in Feb. I can't allow him to go with the children without me in the aftermath of a split. so was biding my time. To try and prevent things being acrimonious, not to stitch him up. Now don't feel like I have that option.

[suchabloodymess]

No. No legal advice yet. Sought some online but was less than helpful. Will do first thing Monday but that doesn't help me tonight. He's not going to let me off with 'non-committal'

[Flimflammer]

Just because he said he would seek full custody doesn't mean that he will. Even if he does he would not automatically get it, its up to a judge, not him if there is a conflict. You have evidence of a domestic dispute in the street which passers by took seriously enough to call the police( why do you minimise this?). The courts know that this kind of incident is not isolated, you build up to that kind of behaviour with verbal abuse and intimidation such as you have described.

Would it be possible for you to have a chat with your mum, explaining to her that you aren't ready to go yet but you know the relationship is dangerous? You might be surprised by her response and if not, if she is taken in by his act, tell her the truth including the incident with the police. At least if he hasn't got a job you can use money worries as an excuse not to go abroad with him.

[FluffyMcnuffy]

OP if I were you I would leave now before he has a chance to take on the "primary carer" role.

[woowoo22]

Tryharder

He's abusive. Sure the DC would be 100 times better off in nursery/school than at home with him.

FFS.

[Flimflammer]

I don't mean it as a criticism but I think you are prioritising the school/work thing over your physical safety and your children's well being. The most important thing is to get out. I was eight and a half months pregnant when the dad pushed me down stairs. I didn't leave him because my brain was telling me that my notes were at the local hospital so I had to stick around for to give birth there. From what you've described your home life is poisonous.You are fearful that he will take the children out of the country and not bring them back. What if he is planning that now? I hope you have got their passports.

[tribpot]

On your previous thread you said he threatened He says he'll lose his job if we divorce because he won't be able to cope.

And now mysteriously he has lost his job? Are you sure that's what happened? It seems like this was the perfect ploy to prevent you from getting away from him. Could he actually have walked out?

Leave now. Before he does indeed establish himself as the primary carer.

[suchabloodymess]

I do think he's genuinely been fired, yes. He was white as a sheet when I saw him yesterday. I'm not surprised. He's been telling me about the "idiots" he works with for months, and it sounds like he's been bullying and somewhat tyrannical to the point that they can't work with him any more.

I think I'm telling him it's over tonight. No, I am telling him it's over tonight.

I need to at least let him know the situation so he can make plans for his future based in the reality of the situation. And it would be awful of me to leave him (or ask him to leave) when he's about to start or has started a new job. (My original plan was to leave it until after a family holiday to his home country in Feb, in the hope of not causing a ruckus by preventing him from taking them or worrying about what will happen if he takes them by himself. But I guess that's unavoidable now.)

Shit shit. Can someone hold my hand? Please? I just need to tell him it's gone too far, and that there's nothing left for me, here, now.

I don't want to leave the house? But I don't see how I can make him leave the house. I know he'll refuse to go.

I haven't made any plans, I don't know what my legal rights are. I'm not ready, but now I have to do this now, don't I.

Spent last night talking about 'our relationship' and not giving him the assurances he was demanding before calling a halt to it at about midnight. He followed me to my room to continue but thankfully left when I told him to. For once.

I feel like I'm kicking a man when he's down,, but I don't know what else to do.

SHIT. My head is spinning.

[Meerka]

The timing is shit but sometimes ... You have to do what you have to do.

There's a principle someone stated: A decent person does not cause unnecessary hurt to others.

This is necessary hurt. If you put it off and he gains custody things will be far worse for your children and you.

The timing sucks, but it's beyond your control and you are doing what I think sounds like the right thing in the long run.

[dadwood]

I remember your last thread suchabloodymess

I thought he was a gaslighter and a manipulator. Don't worry about kicking him when he's down, he does it to you!

[tribpot]

Yes. You need to do it now, suchabloodymess. He's pressured you to breaking point and here it is. What happens next will happen. You can seek advice on Monday about your rights.

Do you have friends or family you could stay with for a night or so? If the dc miss school on Monday, so be it. But this situation has to end.

[NanaNina]

Oh suchamess I'm feeling a bit concerned that you are going to tell DH tonight - I don't want to be overly dramatic but it is a fact that women are most in danger when they tell an abusive man they are going to leave, as this can tip them over into more destructive behaviour.

There isn't such a thing as custody anymore - where parents can't agree on the care of the children following separation/divorce the matter is decided by a Judge in the Family Courts, and it can all be a very long drawn out procedure. Legal aid is not available for this private law but you can represent yourself. Judges get very impatient with parents who are trying to score points over each other, so if it gets to this stage you must desist from this and keep the best interests of the children as your main concern. A Judge then makes an Order called "Arrangements for Care of the Children" and the children will have their permanent home with one of the parents and the other parent will get reasonable contact. It's not a good thing as the children know they are being fought over and needless to say this is very distressing.

BUT back to the present - I would urge you not to tell him. I think you should make arrangements to move out before you do this (if you have no relatives or friends who can put you and the children up) then contact Women's Aid (google for their number....) They will be able to help you.

The other thing that is worrying is about this holiday to his home country - you surely can't allow him to take the children alone, as there could be a chance he wouldn't return? This is much more common than people realise.
SO keep your powder dry - make plans - get the children's passports so he can't take them out of the country and gather together all documents that you will need. It will be tough but I think this is the only way to be honest.

[Twinklestein]

I think you should be careful about telling him it's over tonight. From your previous thread he is clearly an abusive bully and if you end it he will bully you into the ground until there's nothing left.

If it were me I would want to leave without telling him. It's never the 'right' time to leave an abusive man, most women have to leave in a hurry. Very often the leaving is precipitated by an event - being beaten up physically or mentally, for example, or in this case, the loss of his job.

You can't live with him at home every day because he's unbearable. So this redundancy inevitably forces your hand.

Personally I think you should call Women's Aid and ask them to help you with the optimum escape route. I think you need to make appointments with solicitors who are experienced in domestic abuse (WA will be able to recommend you) as a matter of urgency - next week.

You may be able to get orders so that you can stay in the house with the children, or you may decide to leave with the children.

There's no reason he would get custody of the children, he's just threatening that to intimidate you. If you get together evidence of his abuse then you will have a strong case.

It's very important therefore, as I suggested previously, to go to your GP and report that you are in an abusive relationship. They will be able to write a letter for you.

[suchabloodymess]

I told him I could no longer see a future for us, and that he should make job plans on the basis of us not being together, and what he'll need/want I those circumstances.

Cue 4 hours of pleading, asking me why I won't try to do our relationship differently for the sake of the children, and telling me the many and various ways their lives will be "utterly destroyed" if I do this...

He's still up and wanting to talk more, I've said I can't talk any more tonight. He's come downstairs, certainly wanting to talk more. I've locked myself in the downstairs loo to post here even though I know you're all asleep...