Realising the "truth" about my childhood

[KiltedKoala]

In shock here. I've just completed the circle of security parenting course and it's made me face some harsh realities about my own childhood, which I've always thought was "not that bad" because it wasn't like I was abused or anything.

Circle of Security is all about communication and attachment and meeting the child's needs, and the importance of "being with" them in their emotions. The idea is that the child feels safe with emotions and isn't frightened or overwhelmed by them. Some of the key things which affected me were the importance of not minimising issues, not blaming the child and trying to identify the underlying need. I think maybe I needed time and support from my parents, but they thought I was just attention-seeking and blamed me for being a "problem child". I still don't really deal with emotions particularly well and I now think this might be something to do with this.

I can't talk to my DM about it as she's the one who spent years telling me it wasn't that bad, and my DF died when I was 11. My DM just twists anything I say about it and conversations get very heated very quickly so I just don't bother any more.

Sorry for waffling, I don't even need any replies, just needed to get it off my chest. Don't know if any of this makes any sense.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Makes perfect sense to me and no you are not waffling at all.

I would suggest you look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

[KiltedKoala]

Thanks Attila, there you go, in my typically emotionally understated way, I didn't think my situation was bad enough for stately homes because I didn't think my family was dysfunctional (because my DM said it wasn't). Even writing that I realise how stupid it sounds

[ninetynineonehundred]

Makes perfect sense here as well.
Try and be kind to yourself and to accept any feelings that come along now as being normal and 'allowed'.

The old attention seeking as being a bad thing idea is very prevalent in society but it's rarely considered that someone seeking attention needs it for some reason.
Take care

[Hairylegs47]

Koala, you survived! I think the 'realisation' can take years.

We weren't well off enough for stately homes - I was a 'wicked lassie' in a run of the mill Northern working class family - but so much of it rings true with me. It took my DD1 to point me in the direction of the thread. I swing between anger and sadness, but also relief I didn't 'conform' and bring my DC up the same way. My DM thinks I'm the worst person ever born and my DC should've been in prison - yeah, they are doing really well, thanks mum for asking .
I just don't see my parents anymore.
I wish pasts could be changed and damage removed, but they can't be.

Focus on healing yourself and focus on the good you've done

I always hope that toxic parents have a realisation themselves, but I've found those few, most try to play it down and ignore.

It'll get better, I promise. She won't change, but you can move forward and have broken the cycle.
Best wishes to you and your family

[Lottapianos]

Perfect sense here too. That course sounds fantastic and well done for wanting to become a better parent.

It can be very unsettling and disturbing when you start to see certain aspects of your childhood clearly. Not talking to your mother about it sounds like a good idea, as you think she wouldn't be able to hear you anyway. You may feel the need to talk about it a lot - use us on here if its useful. Personally I found professional support invaluable when it came to understanding myself better and coming to terms with shitty parts of my own upbringing. I see a psychotherapist and my life is so much better for it