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Messing with my head

(18 Posts)
Pamelaaa Fri 28-Nov-14 01:50:15

Have name changed but long time poster and lurker!

I had a short term affair during the summer with someone I was working with for 6 months. I work in a mainly female environment and had my head turned with the attention and being made to feel sexy again. I know, I know!
It wasn't completely full on the whole time and once it stopped we carried on working together professional without recriminations. He started seeing someone else and it became a purely working relationship.

We finished working together about a month ago but have had to have intermittent contact to tie up lose ends. Today was one of those days and after a couple of months of purely professional interaction he has now sent me provocative texts both during his lunch break and during the evening.

I can't help but find this man incredibly attractive but thought that we had put all that behind us but now I feel I have gone backwards.

I am not sure what I want from this post. I don't need judging. I know what is right and wrong. I know that I am a cow that I want my cake and eat it. I know I need to tell him to leave me alone. But after a 15 year sexless relationship with my DP knowing that someone finds me attractive enough to get an erection and to want to fuck me is very flattering.

I had got things sorted in my head even though I struggled initially when the affair ended and now it all feels messed up again. We haven't talked today or for some weeks about where we both are and if he is still seeing someone because we had finished with the personal bit. I presume his relationship has finished because of the change today. I just wish I could hate him and not fancy the pants off him. Am now back to sleepless nights with a messed up head.

dowagerinacab Fri 28-Nov-14 01:55:37

Why are you staying in a sexless relationship?

Have you thought about alternative forms of relationship, like open marriage or polyamory?

It doesn't have to be one thing or the other. There's more to life than heteronormative monogamy.

Tinks42 Fri 28-Nov-14 02:49:37

Not sure about the use of the word "affair" here? are you both or were you both in relationships when you met? Are you asking if he's playing you? if so Id say yes.... If you have to have sleepless nights about another person that obviously means they are not as into things as you are. A messed up head means you have far more invested in this than he has.... I personally would tell him where to go.

Tinks42 Fri 28-Nov-14 03:01:50

being with another person and falling in love does not equal that amount of angst, what you are doing is exhausting, you either have to think about why you do that or have a radar that says he's a wrongun..... its tough, of course it is but better to be with someone that makes you "shine" rather than be with someone that makes you crumble...

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Nov-14 05:47:06

If your relationship with your DP is not working then deal with that rather than torturing yourself canting after other people for a scrap of affection. This man is probably using you.... you are probably using him..... and whilst it appears to be symptomatic of the low self-esteem that can result from repeatedly being rejected sexually, affairs do nothing for your self-respect long-term.

badbaldingballerina123 Fri 28-Nov-14 08:52:59

I've no idea how you've coped with a sexless relationship for all these years. Like others say if it isn't working you need to end it. Neither man is able to give you what you want .

Pamelaaa Fri 28-Nov-14 21:16:24

Yes he is using me for a cheap thrill and stupidly I respond to it. I had a sleepless night last night as a result . I have tried to put it behind me but judging on yesterday I obviously haven't succeeded. I just want to not feel this way about him.
Our work together should be coming to a complete end next week and although in my dreams I would love to be able to run away with him and be with him for ever that clearly is not going to happen.

DH has ED as a result of diabetes. He tries to be physical in other ways but it really isn't the same.

HelpWhatCanISay Fri 28-Nov-14 21:38:12

Hi Pamelaaa three weeks ago I could have written your post sad so I have some idea how you must be feeling. I have NC for this because I can't stand the bloody backlash and tutting.

After nine months on the roller coaster I got off. I think I do have some insight into what was going on but like you, my head is quite messed up!

I think sometimes single guys get off on fucking a married women, getting you to feel/or say you will leave your marriage for them. Its an ego thing. I never once suggested I would, and over time he simply seemed to think "can't have this toy, so I will break it" and he very nearly did. Like you I had sleepless nights, lost so much weight that even he commented and said I was wasting away, I was literally.

I think he is playing games with you, sorry. Knowing what I know now, I would say that if you ever met anyone you wanted to be with, make sure its long since you left your marriage. Affairs generally don't have happy endings. Ignore his messages, get on with work and count down the days until you don't have to work with him. Find things to distract yourself, take some exercise, see friends, go out drink wine with the girls, book a family holiday or go shopping...anything.

Pamelaaa Sat 29-Nov-14 08:45:43

Thank you Help.

I too have done the sleepless nights, lost two stone in weight, etc over the summer. I deleted all his texts, emails, number etc when the main piece of work we had been working on finished. When we worked together on Thursday there was clearly a lot of sexual tension crackling in the air but I could have managed all that if he hadn't then started texting me with lots of flattering and sexual comments. Had more texts yesterday but I managed to put a stop to those.

Have got a busy weekend with lots to do so am going to try and stop checking my phone and put him out of my head.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Nov-14 09:17:40

And what are you going to do about your partner? If nothing changes you're either going to go back to your OM, find a replacement or sink into depression or resentment. As you appear to struggle with your conscience.... and some would declare it an 'open relationship' and not have that problem.... I don't think this is going to go out of your head.

lemisscared Sat 29-Nov-14 09:25:27

So your dh has ED and is physical in other ways??? Have i missed something? Get a vibrator

lemisscared Sat 29-Nov-14 09:30:19

If a woman came on here saying that she had a physical reason she was unable to have full sex but tried nevertheless to be physical in other ways and her husband had an affair. The husband would be called a selfish cunt and to ltb. Rightly so.

Unless i have missed something i am baffled by this thread. Poor op can't get sex at home and now her fuck buddy is messing her around hmm hypocrisy

SolidGoldBrass Sat 29-Nov-14 09:30:42

Because the partner has ED doesn't mean the OP just has to put up with it. She has options and choices - she could leave him or negotiate an open relationship.
And, ED aside - is the partner a nice man in other ways, or a selfish lazy sod?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Nov-14 09:36:24

If the husband was the one writing lemisscared then they probably would be told to 'LTB'. No-one's telling the OP that they are in the right - and they are well aware of that themselves - but they have asked for help and that's what they're getting. No point haranguing someone just for the sake of it.

lemisscared Sat 29-Nov-14 09:38:12

Sex is a massive part of my relationship with dp and i would be bereft if that couldn't happen. As i imagine he would. Yes there are other options , oral sex is very nice for example.

Yes her dh might be a pig but the op hasn't said so.

I should imagine this other guy sees the op as an easy option so of course he is going to try it on when his preferred options are not available. Ive been that easy lay - itsnot nice being used.

HelpWhatCanISay Sat 29-Nov-14 22:42:01

Yes turn the phone off, put it in a drawer and get busy. Well done. Just try to ignore. I know its difficult.

Pamelaaa Sun 30-Nov-14 20:01:48

Have worked hard to keep distracted this weekend but have been tempted to text him on a couple of occasions.

I can't work out how to play it on Thursday when I see him again. It's like picking at a scab. I know he's using me but at times I would walk away from everything for him even though I know he isn't long term partner material.

I have been reading the thread about getting over an infatuation and hope that I can do this and we can be no contact by Christmas as the work project should definitely be finished by then.

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Sun 30-Nov-14 21:16:11

Why don't you leave your DH?

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