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'My ex is a bitch/bastard and uses the kids as a weapon. That's why I don't see them' Is this ever true? Discuss.

(60 Posts)
MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Fri 28-Nov-14 00:27:09

My brother claims to be in this position.

I'm divorced with two kids and have a lovely amicable relationship with my XH. I can't understand why anybody would willingly cut off support from the other parent without good reason. Bringing up children on your own is extremely hard!

So I would like to hear from people who honestly feel they have done nothing wrong and yet the ex partner refuses to let them have access to their children, people who have cut off contact with their children's parent for what they think are good reasons ( not abuse, though, as obviously that is a given), and people who want their children's parent to have contact but have heard that the parent is going around saying that they have refused access when they haven't.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic Fri 28-Nov-14 00:29:17

Journo?

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Fri 28-Nov-14 00:29:55

no

Isittimeforxmasnamechangeyet Fri 28-Nov-14 00:32:04

.

LuannDelaney Fri 28-Nov-14 00:33:37

My parents divorced after 12 years of lying to me and my late sister. What they did in their relationship to each other was less than their lies to us as children. I hope you're not a journo, if you are I'd like a big sad face spread.

DixieNormas Fri 28-Nov-14 00:35:52

Well you say your brother is in this position, what do you think?

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Fri 28-Nov-14 00:38:14

ffs, i've been on MN for years. Search my history. I'm interested because as I said, my brother claims to be in this situation. I know he's not a nice person so it got me to wondering how may of these claims of 'she uses the kids as a weapon' are ever true. I'd wager over 95% are not.

I know there are a lot of journos on this site, probably, but mymum, you really fucking pissed me off!angry

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Fri 28-Nov-14 00:39:38

ffs. I'll just abandon this fucking thread if people think I'm a fucking journo.

LineRunner Fri 28-Nov-14 00:40:01

I was going to contribute, but you seem bizarrely angry so early on in the thread.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Fri 28-Nov-14 00:41:09

Yes, I AM angry. Can't be arsed any more. Would you like to ask a question and be accused of being a journalist?

Trollsworth Fri 28-Nov-14 00:42:52

I have cut contact with my children's father, they see him two hours a week at a contact entre.

Since he had a baby with his partner, he has become a drug using, child smacking, inflammatory argumentative twat. He simply is not bright enough to have responsibility for my children, both of whom are intelligent and one of whom is autistic, with ADHD and a frighteningly high iq - and NO self control.

My child ended up with a dot tattoo because his father is a fucking idiot.
He ended up double dosed on his medication - because his father misunderstood, because he's a fucking idiot.
My children were coming back filthy, off their tits on E numbers, and constipated - because he's a fuckingidiot who doesn't know how to look after them. He just doesn't KNOW them, doesn't understand them, and despite having until ds2 was seven to learn, to read the book about autism I gave him, to listen about how effective simple and immediate consequences can be, he still doesn't understand how to handle them.

They disapprove of him. This hasn't been led by me, this has been led by the example all the other men in their lives set, such as my partner, my brother, my dad, their teachers.

They have noticed that nobody else they know yells at children for sitting on yoghurt that a full grow adult left on the sofa.

Nobody else they know smokes "special cigarettes that are smelly" all day and doesn't have a job.

Nobody else they know can't give them 20p for a glass of milk at the contact centre.

Nobody else they know allows their three year old to hit them (this is currently their relationship with their sister, by the way. She hits them, they don't even bother complaining because their dad can't control her, and they try to run off.)

Nobody else they know sleeps in and wears the same unwashed chef trousers for several weeks at a time.

Nobody else they know doesn't understand about tooth brushing.

He tells anyone who will listen that I am a control freak who won't let him see "his boys" (are they even his any more? Ds2 has more personality traits in common with my partner than with his own father) and that they cry to come to his house, and that I will "fuckin' regret it". His girlfriend never talks about my at all, except over Facebook where nobody can punch her. She thinks I am "so unfair" - this might have something to do with the fact that when I found out she had run me into £1500 of catalogue debt in my name, I reported her to the police and had her done for fraud.

But I don't regret it, not one bit. My children are now happy, settled, clean, not exposed to drug cultures, not in receipt of stolen goods, not pumped for their mothers financial information, and they brush their teeth every day. The only thing they are missing out on is the father he SHOULD have been, but never was.

LuannDelaney Fri 28-Nov-14 00:44:46

Op I would put money on a mother wanting her child to have a relationship with the dad.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Fri 28-Nov-14 00:46:10

OMG, trollsworth! That is horrendous. It's exactly the sort of thing I was asking about. Thank you. Ignore the thread de-railers hmm

Trollsworth Fri 28-Nov-14 00:47:01

It is horrendous, and yet technically none of it is abuse. So he thinks its fine.

WannaBe Fri 28-Nov-14 00:47:55

I think that these statements can all be separated from each other:

There are certainly people who use their children as pawns in their bitter disputes with each other. Telling the children that mummy/daddy doesn't love them any more/loves their new stepchildren more than them etc, and there are definitely parents (usually women unfortunately, but that is likely because women are usually the main carer) who withhold access to their children sometimes out of bitterness and spite, sometimes because they feel that they and they alone can be good parents. I know personally men who have had to go to court to get access to their children because their ex's refused. In one case the ex would demand her children back at a moment's notice only to drop them with their grandparents half an hour later because she was sick of them already. She was unfortunately a bitter twisted woman. The children all saw her for what she was though and moved in with their dad permanently as they became teens.

If someone can be emotionally damaging within a marriage to an adult, then it stands to reason that that emotional damage can extend to their children.

As for parents who choose not to see their children because "the ex is a bitch/bastard" (and in these cases it is usually men), I once had a conversation about this with my xh before we split up but had talked about it, and he said that he could see why some men stopped seeing their children because seeing them with another partner etc would be too hurtful to them, especially if access was less than 50/50. hmm I was shock but in fairness to my xh I can't imagine that he would ever check out of our ds' life, and we do have a 50/50 arrangement now.

At the end of the day, deciding not to see your children is a choice. if someone makes that choice then they and they alone are responsible for it, unless the other parent has removed the children to an unknown location but that is obviously extreme.

personally there is not a man in the world who could keep me from my child, and I struggle to see why not every parent feels the same.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Fri 28-Nov-14 00:49:37

Luan Exactly. That's why I started the thread. Spoke to my brother tonight, who I've been NC with for a while, and he lets slip that he's not seen 2 of his 3 kids for 'a while' because his ex is being 'unreasonable'. She's always allowed contact in the past, even when he had a child with another woman while they were together hmm. So I was amazed when he said she was suddenly being unreasonable. This is a guy who physically beats his current girlfriend hmm.

Trollsworth Fri 28-Nov-14 00:50:41

If he beats his girlfriend, that's probably why his ex won't let the kids go there.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Fri 28-Nov-14 00:54:10

wannabe, thank you for your intelligent post. I'm coming to the discussion from the POV of someone with a lovely amicable arrangement with my XH and a 50/50 arrangement. I really appreciate the free time I get and can't imagine why anybody would willingly cut their nose off to spite their face by disallowing an ex partner to have the children just to hurt them/point score.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Fri 28-Nov-14 00:55:48

trolls, yes I know this. That is why something clicked tonight and I thought, 'do you know what...I bet most of this 'she won't let me see the kids...what a bitch!' schpeal is bullshit!

WannaBe Fri 28-Nov-14 00:56:01

yes and of course there are examples such as trollsworth has personal experience of where a parent withholds/restricts contact for valid reasons but the ex is incapable of seeing reason.

My ex used to work with a bloke who claimed his ex refused to let him have access to his ds. He did go through the courts and Cafcas were involved and he did get some access. But he claimed that it was all down to how unreasonable his ex was, so unreasonable that drop-offs and pick-ups had to happen through a third party.

I don't know the in's and outs of this particular bloke's life, but let's just say that as his personality emerged in time I was less convinced that there wasn't more to the story than he was prepared to admit....

op if your brother beats up his girlfriend I'm not surprised his ex withholds access. Did he beat her up as well?

DorisIsALittleBitPartial Fri 28-Nov-14 00:56:55

It's not just parents. My sister has cut me out of seeing my beloved nephews and niece. When people want to hurt someone they know what strings to pull.

tabulahrasa Fri 28-Nov-14 00:59:18

I have a relative who doesn't let her ex see the DC for no particular reason, well no good reason anyway.

He's taken her to court a few times now, she just ignores what they say.

She says they don't want to see him and it upsets them (they were 3 and 5 when they split up) and she's spent the last few years completelely assassinating his character in front of them and they see him for a few hours every few weeks...

Basically it's because she has a new partner and doesn't want the ex involved. She's been told that she's not doing the DC any favours, but she won't listen.

So yes, it happens.

kevincan70 Fri 28-Nov-14 01:00:58

Been there, t shirt. book etc. Just stick at it. Pay the bills keep the communication going and persevere. They grow up and come back

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Fri 28-Nov-14 01:02:47

wannabe I don't know if he ever beat her. It's weird bc they had an on/off relationship for years but he always saw the kids every week. I was very shocked tonight to hear that he's not seen them for 'a while'. He didn't say how long but I got the impression it was a long time. His youngest child goes to the same school as the younger of his two estranged children, so he sees that child when he does pick ups for the younger one'. That's why I think it is super-weird. Something big has obviously happened. He said he has tried to phone his older child's mobile and she's not returned his calls. He got hold of her once and she said her phone had been damaged but then he didn't hear from her again hmm.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Fri 28-Nov-14 01:04:33

tabul how do you know, though? That's the point of my post. How do you ever really know for sure? I can't imagine a parent doing that. It's nice to have time off, sometimes. Why the hell would you take it all on your shoulders?

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